Questions on Cloning

Results of the Washington Post Style Invitational, in which readers were asked to come up with intriguing questions to be considered by President Clinton's special commission to study the moral and practical effects of cloning:
Are the pope and his clone both infallible? What if they disagree about something?
Can you clone Alan Greenspan, or does it have to be LIVING tissue?
If Larry King clones himself and interview himself on his show, wouldn't that pretty much make nuclear war something we could all look forward to?
If I have sex with my clone, will I go blind?
If the DNA from the bloody glove were cloned and produced a baby O.J. Simpson, then could we maybe get an actual guilty verdict?
If Hare Krishnas start cloning themselves, how will the rest of us find out?
If you cloned Henry IV, would he be Henry V or Henry IV Jr. or wait, Henry IV part II?
If Michael Jackson is cloned, is it against the law for him to play with himself as a child?
Would there be a market for genetic "factory seconds" and "irregulars"?
Could they clone Al Gore, or would he have to be grafted?
Is it possible to make a clone of Kate Moss and then attach the two together to make a regular-sized person? Sure, she'd have two heads, but that would still be way more normal.
Would it work if I binged and my clone purged?
Would it be ethical to dig up the remains of our founding fathers, create clones from the bone cells, and place them in a theme park called Clonial Williamsburg?

QUOTES

Dickson's Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
Willie was a Chemist, But Willie is no more, What Willie thought was H20 Was H2SO4.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Worst Analogies

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the countryspeaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm,Washington)

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having leftCleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and"Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley,Washington)

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (ChuckSmith, Woodbridge)

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
T:/flw.quid55328.com/aaakk/ch@ung
but gets
T:/flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung
by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown)

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Deep Thoughts

From a newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey." (from Saturday Night Live!)

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. Age 15

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. Age 11

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. Age14

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? Age 15

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. Age 8

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. Age 10

Home is where the house is. Age 6

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. Age 13

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. Age 13

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" Age 15

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? Age 15

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. Age 15

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. Age 10

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. Age 5

PULP FICTION BRIEFCASE

If you all are anything like me then you had no idea what was in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction. So, through a friend of a friend of a friend who had a two hour conversation with Quentin Tarantino himself, I now know, and I thought I would pass along the information because it makes the movie even 100 times better than it already is.

Remember the first time you were introduce to Marsellis Wallace. The first shot of him was of the back of his head, complete with band-aid. Then, remember the combination of the lock on the briefcase was 666. Then, remember that whenever anyone opened the briefcase, it glowed, and they were in amazement at how beautiful it was; they were speechless. Now, bring in some Bible knowledge, and remember that when the devil takes your soul, he takes it from the back of your head. Yep, you guessed it. And what is the most beautiful thing about a person: his soul. Marsellis Wallace had sold his soul to the devil, and was trying to buy it back. The three kids in the beginning of the movie were the devil's helpers. And remember that when the kid at the end came out of the bathroom with a "hand cannon," Jules and Vincent were not harmed by the bullets. "God came down and stopped the bullets," because they were saving a soul. It was divine intervention.

Ezekiel 25:17 "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truely his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengence and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengence upon thee."

Interesting Facts

Bank robber John Dillinger played professional baseball.

If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.

The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

The housefly hums in the middle octave, key of F.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

If your eyes are six feet above the surface of the ocean, the horizon will be about three statute miles away.

The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural.

Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest anagrams.

Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula."

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots

The band Duran Duran got their name from an astronaut in the 1968 Jane Fonda movie "Barbarella."

Cleo and Caesar were the early stage names of Cher and Sonny Bono.

Ben and Jerry's send the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint Oreo.

The company providing the liability insurance for the Republican National Convention in San Diego is the same firm that insured the maiden voyage of the RMS Titanic.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

Dr. Samuel A. Mudd was the physician who set the leg of Lincoln's assassin John Wilkes Booth...and whose shame created the expression for ignominy, "His name is Mudd."

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble's Maiden name was Betty Jean Mcbricker.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity to swallow.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life"

It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.

Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute.

White Out was invented by the mother of Mike Nesmith (Formerly of the Monkees)

Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with "Midnight Cowboy." Her entire role lasted only six minutes.

Charles Lindbergh took only four sandwiches with him on his famous transatlantic flight.

Goethe couldn't stand the sound of barking dogs and could only write if he had an apple rotting in the drawer of his desk.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy. The skipper's real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's newscast about the wreck.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.

The "L.L." in L.L. Bean stands for Leon Leonwood.

Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been overmixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since.

Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.

The saying "it's so cold out there it could freeze the balls off a brass monkey" came from when they had old cannons like ones used in the Civil War. The cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid formation, called a brass monkey. When it got extremely cold outside they would crack and break off... Thus the saying.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.

The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows."

A walla-walla scene is one where extras pretend to be talking in the background -- when they say "walla-walla" it looks like they are actually talking.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie.

'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth.

A whale's penis is called a dork.

Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always all the same sex.

Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy.

To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs -- it will let you go instantly.

Reindeer like to eat bananas.

A group of unicorns is called a blessing.
Twelve or more cows are known as a "flink."
A group of frogs is called an army.
A group of rhinos is called a crash.
A group of kangaroos is called a mob.
A group of whales is called a pod.
A group of geese is called a gaggle.
A group of ravens is called a murder.
A group of officers is called a mess.
A group of larks is called an exaltation.
A group of owls is called a parliament.

Physicist Murray Gell-Mann named the sub-atomic particles known as quarks for a random line in James Joyce, "Three quarks for Muster Mark!"

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

The phrase "sleep tight" derives from the fact that early mattresses were filled with straw and held up with rope stretched across the bedframe. A tight sleep was a comfortable sleep.

"Three dog night" (attributed to Australian Aborigines) came about because on especially cold nights these nomadic people needed three dogs (dingos, actually) to keep from freezing.

Who is Jack Schitt?

When someone tells you "You don't know Jack Schitt", now you can prove them wrong because you will know all about Jack Schitt.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnet, who married Oh Schitt, the owner of Knee-Deep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced six children. Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt & Dip Schitt, two daughters Fulla Schitt & Giva Schitt, and another son Bull Schitt.

Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout; dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have a son Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Cowe Schitt. Bull Schitt just married his second cousin, Pisa Schitt. They now await the arrival of a little Schitt. Now you know "Jack Schitt".

AMUSING IRRELEVANT FACTS

1. In Kentucky, 50 percent of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers.
2. Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during W.W.I.
3. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.
4. In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.
5. About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it. (Who studied this and why? LOL :)
6. You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day than in any other weather.
7. An average person laughs about 15 times a day.
8. Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.
9. Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.
10. The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.
11. A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h.
12. The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500's.
13. The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.
14. A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.
15. The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.
16. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
17. The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
18. In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan.
19. Every person has a unique tongue print.
20. Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.
21. Women's hearts beat faster than men's.
22. Pollsters say that 40 percent of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.
23. Bubble gum contains rubber.
24. You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.
25. Only 55 percent of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
26. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jello.
27. Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks.
28. Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
29. The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people.
30. Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.
31. In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.
32. A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana. 33. About 70 percent of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money.
34. It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas.
35. Some toothpaste's contain antifreeze.
36. Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.
37. Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as President Bush in 1991. And, rightfully so.
38. Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific.
39. There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.
40. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
41. Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992.
42. Mosquitoes have teeth.
43. Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.
44. Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.
45. The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.
46. When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.
47. Most cows give more milk when they listen to music.
48. 27 percent of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential hell." (big surprise, eh?)
49. In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.
50. Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant "plenty of excrement."
51. Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark. (Hence, the light bulb?)
52. "Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.

More Facts

*The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
* The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.
* Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
* David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.
* Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.
* In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
* Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.
* February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
* Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds.
* The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
* No word in the English language rhymes with month.
* The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
* There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
* Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category.
* Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church.
* Cat's urine glows under a black light.
* Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator.
* The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.
* Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
* It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot. * In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
* Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.
* The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
* Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously
* If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
* The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
* Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
* No NFL team which plays it's home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl * The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver".
* In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured
* Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son.
* One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers --they saw it as competition. It is not chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine.
* The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.
* Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older
* The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan"

Quotes and Facts

During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil. ---------------------------------------------------------
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. -- Oscar Wilde
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The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" ----------------------------------------------------------
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown
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A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. -- William James
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The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words. -- From an article on the growth of federal regulations in the Oct. 24th issue of National Review
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Half of the people in the world are below average. ----------------------------------------------------------
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? -- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate
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On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK" ----------------------------------------------------------
Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a while. -- Charles Barkley, after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics
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Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress...But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
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Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front? ----------------------------------------------------------
Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea): For best results: Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For not so good results: Drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roofrack.
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"Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog ----------------------------------------------------------
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them. -- William Clayton
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If you think you're having a bad day... An Israeli woman's fight with a stubborn cockroach put her husband in the hospital with burns, a broken pelvis and broken ribs, the Jerusalem Post newspaper reported yesterday. The woman, frightened by the insect when she found it in their living room, stepped on it, threw it in a toilet and sprayed a full can of insecticide on it when it refused to die. Her husband came home from work, went to the toilet and lit a cigarette. When he threw the cigarette butt into the bowl, the insecticide fumes ignited, "seriously burning his sensitive parts," the Post wrote. When paramedics were called to the home in Tel Aviv, they laughed so hard when they learned what had happened that they dropped the stretcher down the stairs, breaking the unidentified man's pelvis and ribs.

One Line Questions

--If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
--If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
--If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
--When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?
--Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?
--How did a fool and his money GET together?
--If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
--How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
--If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
--What's another word for thesaurus?
--Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
--What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
--Why is abbreviation such a long word?
--Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
--Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
--How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
--Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
--Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?
--When you choke a Smurf what color does it turn?
--Does fuzzy logic tickle?
--Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
--Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
--Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
--Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
--If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
--What was the best thing before sliced bread?
--Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
--Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
--Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
--Is it possible to be totally partial?
--If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
--If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with the lights off?
--If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
--If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
--If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
--When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
--Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
--Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
--Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
--Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?

TV Rules

1.If a woman is running away from someone she will trip and fall.
2.Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.
3.Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.
4.Crazy people are always dangerous.
5.Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
6.Good guys are always outnumbered.
7.Good guys always win and get the girl.
8.Ugly people are always bad guys.
9.Good guys are always good looking.
10.Sex, murder, and mayhem is a way of life.
11.Good guys are the only ones that have a sense of humor.
12.Cars will explode in all accidents, no matter how slight.
13.If you jump hundreds of feet into water, it will always be deep enough.
14.The head bad guy is always smart. The guys working for him are always stupid.
15.Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.
16.Bathrooms are only made for sex, murder, and drugs.
17.Haunted houses are never locked.
18.Women will faint at crucial times.
19.Good guys will always get shot in the arm or leg.
20.All Chinese people know Karate.
21.Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.
22.Rich people are either unhappy or private detectives.
23.Teenagers are always smarter than their parents.
24.Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.
25.There are no ugly women, only ugly men.
26.Indians make good fodder.
27.Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.
28.Computers never crash.
29.When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from the corner of their mouth.
30.No one farts, except after eating beans.
31.Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 or 40 people.
32.Bad guys will make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but will leave before finding out if it works.
33.Christmas Eve and Halloween night lasts for three or four days.
34.Movies based on true stories are always made up.
35.Police never wait for back-up.
36.Undercover cops are too good to be spotted.
37.Private detective work is glamorous.
38.All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the ninth and two outs.
39.All police killings are in self defense.
40.Everyone wins in Las Vegas.
41.Good guys don't take drugs.
42.Nobody on TV has time to watch TV.

"What your car says about you:"

Acura Integra: - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars.
Acura Legend: - I'm too bland for German cars.
Acura NSX: - I am impotent.
Audi 90: - I enjoy putting out engine fires.
BMW 325i: - I have less personality than my car.
BMW 525i: - I have an intense need to impress people that I have never met.
Buick Park Avenue: - I am older than 34 of the 50 states.
Cadillac Eldorado: - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman.
Cadillac Seville: - I am a pimp.
Chevrolet Camaro: - I enjoy beating up people.
Chevrolet Chevette: - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette.
Chevrolet Corvette: - I'm in a mid-life crisis.
Chevrolet El Camino: - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government.
Chrysler Cordoba: - I dig the rich Corinthian leather.
Datsun 280Z: - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well.
Dodge Dart: - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower.
Dodge Daytona: - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car.
Ford Fairmont: - (See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang: - I slow down to 85 in school zones.
Ford Crown Victoria: - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them.
Geo Storm: - I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.
Geo Tracker: - I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.
Honda del Sol: - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all.
Honda Civic: - I have just graduated and have no credit.
Honda Accord: - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45: - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse: - I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6: - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
Kia Sephia: - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.
Lincoln Town Car: - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.
Mercury Grand Marquis: - (See Ford Crown Victoria)
Mercedes 500SL: - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph.
Mercedes 560SEL: - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole.
Mazda Miata: - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler.
MGB: - I am dating a mechanic.
Mitsubishi Diamante: - I don't know what it means either.
Nissan 300ZX: - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Oldsmobile Cutlass: - I just stole this car.
Peugeot 505 Diesel: - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List.
Plymouth Neon: - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.
Pontiac Trans AM: - I have a switchblade in my sock
Porsche 944: - I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me.
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow: - I think Pat Buchanan is a tad bit too liberal.
Saturn: - (See Honda Civic)
Subaru Legacy: - I have always wanted a Japanese car.
Toyota Camry: - I am still in the closet.
Volkswagen Beetle: - I still watch Partridge Family reruns.
Volkswagen Cabriolet: - I am out of the closet.
Volkswagen Microbus: - I am tripping right now.
Volvo 740 Wagon: - I am frightened of my wife.

Things you learn from children:

**There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
**If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
**A 4 year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
**If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
**It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
**Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
**You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
**When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
**A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
**The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
**When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late.
**Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
**A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
**A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
**If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
**A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
**Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. Duplos will not.
**Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
**Super glue is forever.
**McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
**Ditto Tarzan.
**No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
**Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
**VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
**Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
**Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
**You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
**Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
**Plastic toys do not like ovens.
**The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
**The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
**It will however make cats dizzy.
**Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
**Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
**A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

ON THE NATURE OF THE UNIVERSE

**Carl Zwanzig: "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."
**Douglas Adams: "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
**Albert Einstein: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
**Unknown: "Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things."
**Edward P. Tryon: "In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time."
**John Andrew Holmes: "It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others."
**Max Frisch: "Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it."
**Kilgore Trout: "The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."
**Woody Allen: "I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."
**Douglas Adams: "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
**William J. Broad: "The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing."
**Rich Cook: "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
**Fred Hoyle: "There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for."
**Ray Bradbury: "We are an impossibility in an impossible universe."
**Christopher Morley: "My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed."
**Edward Chilton: "I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge."
**Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson): "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."

A short history of medicine:

I have an earache...

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

How Many F's

READ this sentence: FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.

scroll down

Now count aloud the F's in that sentence. Count them only ONCE; do not go back and count them again. Then see below....

Answer: There are six F's in the sentence. One of average intelligence finds three of them. If you spotted four, you're above average. If you got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody. If you caught six, you are a genius. There is no catch. Many people forget the OF's. The human brain apparently tends to see them as V's instead of F's.

Laws of Work

--If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
--A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
--Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
--It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
--After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
--The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
--You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
--Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
--When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
--If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
--There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
--Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
--Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
--Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
--To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
--Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
--Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
--If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
--You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
--People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
--If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
--At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
--When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
--Following the rules will not get the job done.
--Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
--When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
--No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
--The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Philosophies to get through the day

->If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
->A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
->Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
->For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
->He who hesitates is probably right.
->Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
->No one is listening until you make a mistake.
->Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
->The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it
->The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
->The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
->To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
->To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
->Two wrongs are only the beginning.
->You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
->The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
->Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
->The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
->The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train

Administratium

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by chemists at South Dakota State University, a prestigious midwestern University. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur in less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic number actually increases after each reorganization. Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results are not promising.

How To Win Arguments...

Now you can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. Once people know this, they will steer clear of you at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they won't even invite you. It is easy, simply follow these rules: *************************
#1 Drink Liquor.
*************************
Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
*************************
#2 Make things up.
*************************
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level." NOTE: Always make up exact figures. If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left your soiled underwear in my bath house." *************************
#3 Use meaningless but weightly-sounding words and phrases.
*************************
Memorize this list:
- Let me put it this way
- In terms of
- Vis-a-vis
- Per se
- As it were
- Qua
- So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do not." Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say: "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money." You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D." Only a fool would challenge that statement.
*************************
#4 Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.
*************************
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevent phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are: - You're begging the question. - You're being defensive. - Don't compare apples and oranges. - What are your parameters? This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means. Here's how to use your comebacks: You say As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873... Your opponents says Lincoln died in 1865. You say You're begging the question. OR You say Liberians, like most Asians... Your opponents says Liberia is in Africa. You say, "You're being defensive."
*************************
#5 Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.
*************************
This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler." So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons.

Businessmen Make More

Proof of what we have always suspected: Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof has been discovered that explains why this is true:

--- Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.

--- Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows,

Work
-------- = Power
Time

Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have

Work
------- = Knowledge
Money

Solving for Money, we get:

Work
-------------- = Money
Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the Work done.
Conclusion: The Less you Know, the more you Make.

Puns
------
A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here."
The mushroom says "Why? I'm a fun guy."

------------------------------------------

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

------------------------------------------------------

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

------------------------------------------------------

Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other.
One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure"
"I'm positive !"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Shortsighted Quotes

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?"
--Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
--Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
--Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible."
--A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
--H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."
--Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
--Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
--Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
--Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
--Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M Post-It" Notepads.

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"
--Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."
--1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training."
--Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy."
--Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
--Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
--Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
--Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
--Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".
--Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
--Bill Gates, 1981

Adam Sandler Astrology!

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22)
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22)
You have a wild imagination and often think you are bein followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means your are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nill. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22)
You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

Stuff Found on Bathroom Walls

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
-Armand's Pizza. Washington, D.C.

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
-Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
-Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

If you can piss this high, join the fire department.
-On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet. O'Ryan's Irish Pub. Ashland, Oregon.

Beauty is only a light switch away.
-Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina.

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
-Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
-Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
-The Irish Times. Washington, D.C.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
-The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
-Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
-Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
-Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
-Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

Make love, not war. --Hell, do both, get married!
-Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.

God is dead. -Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. -God
-The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
-Revolution Books. New York, New York.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
-Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested?
-Men's restroom, American University. Washington, D.C.

A FEW RANDOM THOUGHTS ABOUT A FEW RANDOM THINGS...

Skinny people piss me off. Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. So......fuck you! In that case, you don't deserve to eat.

I'm Catholic. My mother and I were unpacking and she found my diaphragm. I had to tell her it was a bathing cap for my cat.

How many of you have started dating someone because you were too lazy to commit suicide?

They say you shouldn't say nothing about the dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills - she had 14 kids, but she didn't give a shit.

Now they're advertising breathable panty liners. You know some man invented that product. No woman would be inventing a panty liner and putting little holes in there. She'd put little tongues in there.

They kept telling us we had to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it on a Tuesday morning when I genially proposed, "Body, how'd you like to go to the nine o'clock class in vigorous toning with resistence?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen, bitch, do it and you die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing - and then marry him.

Gay, straight...they all want blow jobs.

The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home from work, then I've done my job. (see Jazz you're doing fine)

My doctor said "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is you don't have PMS. The bad news is - you're a bitch!"

I read this article. It said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? This is my idea of a perfect day!

I'll tell you what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody that's 34 inches or 34 years can fit into that shit.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?"

Office Language

From: Management To: Pee-ons

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees.

Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated! The management does however realize the importance of each person being able to express their feelings when communicating with their fellow workers. Therefore, management has compiled the following coded list.

It is imperative that all employees understand and memorize the coded phrase so the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.

New Phase: I'm not certain that's feasible.
Old Phrase: No fucking way.

New Phrase: Really?
Old Phrase: You've got to be shitting me.

New Phrase: Perhaps you should check with... Insert name here]
Old Phrase: Tell someone who gives a rat's ass.

New Phrase: Of course I'm concerned.
Old Phrase: Ask me if I give a shit.

New Phrase: I was not involved with that project.
Old Phrase: It's not my fucking problem.

New Phrase: Interesting behavior...
Old Phrase: What the hell?

New Phrase: Perhaps I can work late.
Old Phrase: When the fuck do they expect me to do this.

New Phrase: He's not familiar with this problem.
Old Phrase: He's got his head up his ass.

New Phrase: You don't say.
Old Phrase: Eat shit.

New Phrase: Excuse me?
Old Phrase: Eat shit and die.

New Phrase: Excuse me, sir?
Old Phrase: Eat shit and die, mother fucker.

New Phrase: They weren't happy with it?
Old Phrase: What the fuck do they want from me.

New Phrase: So would you like some help?
Old Phrase: Kiss my ass.

New Phrase: I love a challenge.
Old Phrase: This job sucks.

New Phrase: You want me to take care of this?
Old Phrase: Who died and left you boss?

New Phrase: I see...
Old Phrase: Blow me.