Rejected State Mottoes

ALABAMA: Literacy Ain't Everything
ARKANSAS: At Least We're not Oklahoma
CALIFORNIA: Se Habla Ingles
CONNECTICUT: New York City's OTHER Suburb
FLORIDA: The Gunshine State
IDAHO: Famous Potatoes ... and Neo-Nazis
ILLINOIS: Gateway to Iowa
INDIANA: Home of Dan Quayle
KANSAS: Don't Blame Us, We Voted For Dole
KENTUCKY: Tobacco is a Vegetable
MAINE: For Sale
MARYLAND: We're Better Than Virginia, Damn It!
MINNESOTA: Land of 7,000 lakes and 3,000 man-made ponds
MONTANA: Land of the Big Sky, and Very Little Else
NEW JERSEY: The Garbage State
NEW MEXICO: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
NEW YORK: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney
NORTH CAROLINA: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
OHIO: Don't Judge us by Cleveland
OREGON: Jerry Garcia was here!
PENNSYLVANIA: Cook with Coal
SOUTH DAKOTA: Closer than North Dakota
TENNESSEE: The Educashun State
TEXAS: Don't Mess with Texas -- We're Armed
UTAH: Our Jesus is Better Than Your Jesus
VIRGINIA: We're Better Than Maryland, Damn It!
WASHINGTON: Keep Washington Green, Grow Hemp
WEST VIRGINIA: Incest is Best

ALABAMA STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION

Name: ________________ (last)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack (Check appropriate box)

Age: ____

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
(_)Farmer
(_)Mechanic
(_)Asbestos Worker
(_)Hair Dresser
(_)Un-employed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___

Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________

Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_)The National Enquirer
(_)The Globe
(_)TV Guide
(_)Soap Opera Digest

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable

Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know

Organizations that you belong to: (Check all that are applicable)
(_) NRA
(_) PTL
(_) 700 Club
(_) KKK
(_) NHRA

Number of tractor pulls you've been to this month :
(_) <5
(_) 5-10
(_) 11-15
(_) Can't count

Beverage of choice:
(_) Night Train
(_) Blind Dog Bourbon
(_) Cousin Cletus' Moonshine (Non-Commercial)
(_) Gasoline

Number of Skoal Belt Buckles You Own:____

Brand of Jeans you prefer: (_) Wranglers

Do you play the banjo? (_) Yes

White Guy In Elevator

A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch d**k, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown"

The small white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch d**k, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown"

The small white guy says "Thank god, I thought you said "Turn around".

Lawyers Change Lightbulb

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."

Football Player Exam

Time Limit: 3 WKS

Name: _____________________________

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic (check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners

9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush: ____________________________________________
Carter: __________________________________________
Clinton: __________________________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five:

11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) Florida
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
___ (a) B.C.
___ (b) A.D.

* You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify.

Here's a little to get you started on EBONICS!

"Damn- that sh*t is DOPE!"
~~~~~ That is a wonderful concept/object/action.

"I can't FADE that!"
~~~~~ I am unable to handle this at this time.

"Shante ain't HAVIN' it!"
~~~~~ This is not something that Shante will allow to occur.

"Homey - Boo was dropping PHAT beats."
~~~~~ Our friend Boo was playing some wonderful music.

"YO! - Let me GAFFLE that BLUNT!"
~~~~~ Might I be able to indulge in your marijuana cigarette?

"JIMMY was on and I was HITTIN' it!"
~~~~~ I had in my possession a condom, which was used in my engagement of sexual activity.

"What's up? Why you ALL UP IN my shit!?!"
~~~~~ Please sir/madam- stay out of my affairs.

"She is HELLA' CLOWIN' you HOMEY!"
~~~~~ The woman is creatively informing you that her interest in dating you is nonexistent at this time.

"Woooooo - Renaldo was PITCHIN' STRAIGHT GAME to baby doll, and it was SMOOOOOOOVE!"
~~~~~ Renaldo was creatively inquiring as to the marital status of the female, with the intention of asking her on a date.

"STEP OFF Cool - before I bust PHAT CAPS in your Ass with my NEENER..."
~~~~~ It would be beneficial to your physical state to leave this area, as I will soon be encouraged by your disrespect towards me to shoot bullets into your fanny with my 9mm pistol.

"Why is 5-OH always BUGGIN'!?!"
~~~~~ Why are the police officers always worried?

"Friday night - COLD CHILLIN' with a 40 and a BLUNT."
~~~~~ It is Friday evening, and I am leisurely enjoying a forty-ounce bottle of malt liquor and a marijuana cigarette.

How do you keep a blonde entertained for hours?

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Hillbilly Honeymoon

Once there was a hillbilly boy who, after getting his G.E.D.(high school equivalency diploma), went to work for his father in the family business of Rust-Collecting. One day he met a hillbilly girl and they hit it off and started dating. They enjoyed each other's company, and both liked the same things, like Cow-Tipping and Beater-Car-Smashing. Eventually, they decided to marry.

After the ceremony, the boy was really looking forward to the wedding night, and to show how big a deal this marriage was, he took his new bride to an actual, money-paying Motel. When they arrived, his wife went into the bathroom to change, while he was getting ready himself.

She came out of the bathroom dressed in her sexiest burlap, and the boy grabbed her and tossed her on the bed. "Be gentle with me," she said,"I'm a virgin." The boy immediately flew into a rage, got dressed, grabbed the girl and threw her into the back of his pickup truck. He screeched to a stop in front of her parents' house, threw her out, and burned rubber outta there. He drove to his Dad's house and told him the whole story through eyes filled with tears. His Dad comforted him and said,"You did the right thing, son---don't feel bad. A VIRGIN??!! Well, if she wasn't good enough for HER family, she sure isn't good enough for OURS!!!"

Proof Jesus Was...

Three Proofs that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into his fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

Three Proofs that Jesus might have been Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was a drink.

Three proofs that Jesus might have been Puerto Rican:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was in often in trouble with the law.
3. His mother never knew his Father.

Three proofs that Jesus might have been Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.

Three proofs that Jesus might have been black:
1. He called everybody brother.
2. He had no permanent address.
3. Nobody would hire him.

The proofs that he was definitely from California:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion.

Two Attorneys

Two attorneys were sitting on a park bench. A really beautiful young woman walks by. The first lawyer's eyes follow her a ways and he says to his companion, "Boy, I'd like to screw that!!"

The second lawyer looks at the young woman for a minute and asks the other guy, "Outta what?"

Ventriloquist Cowboy

A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Indian sitting on his porch. He figures he'll have a little fun...

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Indian: <extreme look of shock>
Cowboy: " Is this Indian your owner?" <pointing at Indian>
Dog: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: <look of disbelief>
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: <extreme look of shock>
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? "<pointing at Indian>
Horse: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Indian: <total look of amazement>
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep Lie."

NYC Cabbies

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?", to which the mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work."

The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!!!! Tell your daughter the truth!!!! For crying out loud. They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

Ventriloquist in the South

A ventriloquist is working down South and during his show a hick stands

up and yells,"HEY YOU! ONSTAGE! You been making smart-ass remarks about us southerners being stupid all night long! We're not all stupid, ya know!"

"Relax" said the vetriloquist, "They're just jokes!"

"I'm not talking to you, sir!" The hick replied "I'm talking to that little bastard sitting on your knee!"

Blonde Jokes

Q: What do a blonde and a turtle have in common?
A: Once they're on their backs, they're both fucked!

Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A: It chips their teeth...

Q: How do you tell if a bank robber is blonde?
A: she ties up the safe and blows the guard...

Q: Whats the same between a blonde and a 747?
A: They both have big cock pits

Dallas Cowboys

1. What do you call a drug ring in Dallas? A huddle.

2. If there are four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving? The police.

3. Why can't Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore? It is a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.

4. Did you know Chicago is trying to sign Michael Irvin? They got rid of the refrigerator so now they want a coke machine.

5. The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take out the artificial turf. The Cowboys play better on "grass."

6. The Dallas Cowboys have adopted a new "Honor System". Yes, your honor, no, your honor...

7. The Dallas Cowboys had a 12 and 4 season this year. 12 arrests, 4 convictions.

8. The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense so they hired a new defensive coordinator. Johnny Cochran.

9. How do the Cowboys spend their first week at training camp? Studying their Miranda rights.

Fighter Pilots

What is the ideal cockpit crew?
A pilot and a dog. The pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.

How many fighter pilots does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. He holds the bulb, and the world revolves around him.

How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
He'll tell you.

What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot....

What is the difference between a fighter pilot and a pig?
The pig doesn't turn into a fighter pilot when it's drunk.

What do fighter pilots use for birth control?
Their personality.

What is the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A jet engine stops whining when it pulls in to the parking spot.

You know you are a Yankee if...

You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
You don't even know what applique is.
You don't have bangs.
For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
You don't know what a moon pie is.
You've never had grain alcohol.
You've never, ever, eaten Okra.
You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
You have no idea what a polecat is.
Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.
You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.
You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
You call binoculars opera glasses.
You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within the context of a football game.
You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
You've never been to a craft show.
You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
You can't do your laundry without quarters.
None of your fur coats are homemade.

LAPD vs. CIA and FBI

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

You know you live in SF when...

Your co-worker tells you they have eight body piercings- and none are visible.
When someone says TENDERLOIN- you don't think steak, you think "danger."
You make well over $100,000 and you still can't find a nice place to live.
You think anyone who drives a car to work is decadent.
You keep a list of companies to boycott.
You would never dream of crossing a picket line.
You take the bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
You realize there are far more Rainbow flags in the city than California state flags.
The guy who cuts your hair is straight, your plumber is gay,
The woman who delivers your mail is straight and your Mary Kay Lady is gay.
Old friends you haven't talked to in years suddenly call- do you have a spare bedroom for a weekend?
You think anyone wearing a George Clooney haircut is visiting from the Midwest.
You can't remember...Is pot still illegal?
You go to your office manager's baby shower - the parent's are named Judy and Becky.
You give a "thumbs up" gesture to a car with a "FREE TIBET" bumper sticker-and you mean it.
You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown, and are willing to fight about it.
A really great parking spot can move you to tears.
You prefer the Spanish Soaps on TV - the guys are much hotter!
You know that anyone wearing shorts in June is just visiting from Ohio.
A man walks on MUNI in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't notice.
You still can't believe a company doesn't offer domestic partner benefits.
You curse those damn tourists - but always stop to help a cute guy/gal who is looking puzzled at a city map.
When you drive under an underpass- for one moment you think "earthquake".
Your boss runs in "The Bay to Breakers"... it's the first time you have seen him nude.
Your child's 3rd grade teacher has a nose ring and is named "Breeze".
You haven't been to Fisherman's Wharf since the first month you moved to the bay.
You are thinking of taking an adult ed class - but you can't decide between a Yoga, Channeling, or Building Your Web Site class.
Your new neighbor goes to temple- but you are still not sure if they are Jewish or Buddhist.
You realize the only Republicans you know are your Aunt and Uncle in Georgia.

You're not a kid anymore when...

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
Your are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half his age..... and isn't breaking any laws.
You call Olan Mills before they call you.
Your arms are almost to short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?".
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with, "because I said so!".
You send money to PBS.
You still buy records, and you think a CD is a certificate of deposit.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

County Workers

A fellow stopped at a rural petrol station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county, " one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hold and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike hereputs the dirt back.

Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work."

Rural Company Lingo

Log On
Makin' the wood stove hotter.

Log Off
Don't add any more wood.

Monitor
Keep an eye on the wood stove.

Download
Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.

Mega Hertz
When yer not careful downloadin' (watch th' toes!).

Floppy Disk
Whatcha get from pilin' too much firewood.

Disk Operating System
The equipment the Doc uses when you have a floppy disk.

RAM
The hydraulic thingy that makes the woodsplitter work.

Hard Drive
Gettin' home in mud season.

Prompt
What you wish the mail was in mud season.

Windows
What to shut when it's 30 below.

Screen
What you need for black fly season.

Byte
What black flies do.

Chip
What to munch on.

Micro Chip
What's left in the bag when the chips are gone.

Infrared
Where the leftovers go when Fred's around.

Modem
What you did to the hay fields.

Dot Matrix
John Matrix's wife.

Printer
Someone who can't write in cursive.

Lap Top
Where little kids feel comfy.

Keyboard
Where you hang your keys.

Software
Them plastic eatin' utensils.

486
One of them fancy imported cars.

Mouse
What eats the horses' grain in the barn.

Main Frame
The part of the barn that holds the roof up.

Port
Fancy wine.

Enter
C'mon in!

Random Access Memory
When you suddenly can't remember how much that new rifle costs when your wife asks.

Digital
Like those numbers that flip on your alarm clock.

Apple
If you don't know what an apple is, I ain't tellin'.

Program
What's on the TV when there's reception.

CD ROM
The place in the bank where they sell retirement accounts.

Types of People one Meets In A Men's Public Bathroom

1. EXCITABLE--Runs in, grabs for zipper, zipper is stuck; finally gets it down, finds shorts half twisted around his leg, can't find hole, rips button off in rage, pees in pants.

2. SOCIABLE--Joins a friend in a pee whether he has to or not.

3. CROSS-EYED--Looks in one on left, pees in one in middle, flushes one on right.

4. NOSEY--Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

5. TIMID--Cannot urinate when someone is watching. Flushes urinal as if he has already used it, sneaks back later.

6. INDIFFERENT--All urinals being used, pees in sink.

7. CLEVER--No hands, shows off by fixing tie, looks around, pees on floor.

8. WORRIED--Is not sure of what he has been into lately; makes quick inspection.

9. FRIVOLOUS--Plays stream up and down and across urinal, tries to hit fly, never grows up.

10. ABSENT-MINDED--Opens vest, pulls out tie, pees in pants.

11. DISGUSTED--Stands for a while, gives up, walks out, goes a few paces, turns and charges back. Doesn't make it.

12. SNEAKY--Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will be blamed.

13. CHILDISH--Looks directly into bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

14. PATIENT--Stands for a very long time, reads paper with free hand.

15. DESPERATE--Waits in long line, teeth grinding, pees in pants.

16. EFFICIENT--Waits until he has to poop and then does both jobs at once.

17. TOUGH--Bangs penis against side of urinal to dry it.

18. FAT--Has to back up and take a long blind shot at urinal, misses, pees on shoes.

19. LITTLE--Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

20. DRUNK--Holds left thumb in right hand, pees in pants.

21. EGOTISTICAL: thinks he needs to use both hands.