A ship goes out to sea and crashes. 6 people (1 Woman and 5 men) survive and use a life raft to float to a deserted island. After spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely... sexually deprived, and lonely. So they come to the following agreement: each man will marry the woman for a week. So the first man has her for one week, then the second man has her for the second week, and so on. Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree to it. This goes on for five years and everyone is happy. Each man gets sex every fifth week and the woman gets to have sex whenever she wants with a different man every week. Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies!!!! The first week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad, the third week it's getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad...really bad, the fifth week it is just awful...it's getting so bad... Sooooo...on the sixth week...... they finally bury her.
A small town farmer had three daughters. Being a single father, he tended to be a little over-protective of his daughters. When gentlemen came to take his daughters out on a date, he would greet them with a shotgun to make sure they knew who was boss.
One evening, all of his daughters were going out on dates. The doorbell rang, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door. A gentleman said,
Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, We're goin' to the show, Is she ready to go?
The farmer frowned but decided to let them go. The doorbell rang again, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door. A gentleman said,
Hi, I'm Eddie, I'm here for Jenny, We gettin' spaghetti, Is she ready?
The farmer frowned but decided to let them go. The doorbell rang again, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door. A gentleman said,
Hi, I'm Chuck,
And the farmer shot him.
DIRTY DISHES
There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic harley with a "for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner:
"This bike is beautiful!! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape."
"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline
So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents house. See, it's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.
"Honey," she says," I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, a huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he reaches over, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make it on the dinner table. Of course no one says a word.
"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, no one says a word. Then, the boyfriend notices it starting to rain, he better take care of the motorcycle. He pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. The father stands up and shouts:
"All right, I'll do the fucking dishes!!"
Little Red Riding Hood
Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest and her mother said: "You'd better not go out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because the big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do.... He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off." But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said: "Don't worry Mum, I've got it covered."
So she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little pigs. One of them ran out of the brick house and said "You shouldn't be out tonight Little Red Riding Hood! The big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do if he catches you. He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off."
So she pulled out the shotgun and said: "Don't worry boys. Got it covered!" As she continued through the forest she came across the big bad wolf and he said: "You shouldn't have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I'm going to do..... I'm going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off."
So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, lay down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him and said "NO!!!!!!! You're going to eat me like the book says."
Kings and Queens
Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "weapon".
The first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon...he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon did rise. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played appropriate music.
Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon did rise. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.
After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...the King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played "God Save the Queen."
Nudist Camp
A family of three (mom, dad and a 10 year-old girl) went down to Florida to visit a nudist camp.
The girl goes walking around on the beach and comes back to her mother and says, "Mommy, mommy, women down here have bigger breasts than you."
The mom replied, "That's right honey, but the bigger they are the dumber they are."
The girl goes and walks around again. She comes back to her mom and says, "Mommy, mommy, guys down here have bigger penises than dad." The mom replied, "That's right honey, but the bigger they are the dumber they are."
The girl goes on her way and comes running back to her mom again. "Mommy, mommy, dad is talking to this really dumb blonde and the longer he talks the dumber he gets."
Barbie Jokes
Q: Have you heard about Divorced Barbie ?
A: She comes with all of Ken's stuff.
Q:Why doesn't Barbie ever get pregnant?
A:Because Ken comes in another box?
A father wants to buy his daughter a present for having really good grades. He goes to
his local Toys R Us and is overwhelmed by the Barbie aisle, so he asks for help from one
of the stocking clerks.
Father: Does Barbie come with Ken?
Clerk: She comes with GI Joe, she fakes it with Ken.
Pinocchio's Girlfriend
Pinocchio is getting complaints from his girlfriend about their lovemaking. "You give
me splinters!," she says. Pinocchio is devastated; he goes running to Gepetto and
tells him, "My girlfriend says she gets splinters whenever we make love!" What
you need, my boy," says Gepetto, "is some sandpaper. That will fix the
problem." So he sends Pinocchio away with the sandpaper.
A few weeks later, Gepetto runs into Pinocchio and asks, "So, since I gave you that
piece of sandpaper, have you been getting any complaints from girls?"
"Girls?," Pinocchio says. "Who needs girls?"
Died a Virgin
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:
"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no- goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote:
"Returned unopened"
Punk On Bus
An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on. The punk rocker's hair is red, green, yellow and orange. He has feather earrings.
When he sees the old man staring at him, the punk rocker says "What's the matter old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a young guy?"
The old guy says in reply "Yeah. One time I fucked a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid..."
2 Jokes
Q: There were 2 lesbians and 2 gay guys going to the same place. Who got there first?
A: The lesbians; they lick-ady split while the gay guys were still packing thier shit.
Q: How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
A: Burger King forgot to wrap up his meat.
Chinese Detective
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house. I watch house.
He come to house. I watch.
He and she leave house. I follow.
He and she get on train. I follow.
He and she go in hotel. I climb tree - look in window.
He kiss she. She kiss he.
He strip she. She strip he.
He play with she. She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE
In Too Far
A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the spedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, I'm sorry Miss; He's too far in."
Indian's Name
A young American Indian goes up to his father Wild Wind and asks him, "Father, why is my sister called Riding Horse?" "Because, my son, she was conceived while we were riding ahorse."
The boy considers this for a moment and then asks, "Father, why is my brother called Fearless Snake?" "Because he was conceived just after your mother and I had stopped running from an angry snake, my son."
The boy's father looks at him curiously and eventually asks, "But why all these questions, Broken Condom?"
Curing Impotence
After a few years of married life , this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confess, " I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor tells , "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke........
The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news....... So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"
Old Prostitute
A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes and the girl was among them. The police had all the prostitutes lined up when the girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked, "What are you lining up for?" Not willing to let her know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that some people were passing out free oranges and she was lining up for some. Grandma wanted oranges too, so she went to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and asked, "You are so old, how do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy. I just take my dentures out and suck them dry."
Room For a While
A husband and wife and their two boys are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes, boys, we're going up to our room for a little while." Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom. "Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts for sucking our thumbs."
Fighter Pilot Pierre
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are doing, Pierre?" asks the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs the Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her chest.
"Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! And when I go down, I go down in flames!"
Big Tits
When I was in Junior High School, all I wanted was a girl with BIG TITS.
In High School, I finally DATED a girl with BIG TITS!
But there was no EMOTION. I wanted all that romance stuff like in the movies!
In College, I went with a REAL romantic girl. But she was way TOO emotional. Cried over everything. Got kinda scary. I decided I wanted someone stable.
My girlfriend after College was VERY stable. THAT got boring awfully fast.
I wanted someone with AMBITIONS.
Then I lived with an ambitious woman. NEUROTIC like you wouldn't BELIEVE!
I finally realized what I wanted was a woman with SELF-CONFIDENCE!
So I found a woman who was self-confident, and I MARRIED her!
And when we got divorced, she was so self-confident, she cleaned me out and left me with nothing.
Now all I want is a girl with BIG TITS.