Church Announcments

1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
2. Tuesday, at 4 p.m., there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, come early.
3. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing, "Put Me In My Little Bed", accompanied by the Pastor.
4. Thursday, at 5 p.m., there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All those wishing to become little mothers, please meet the pastor in his study.
5. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
6. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in softly.
7. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper.
8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
9. A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.
10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belser, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belser.

Days In Hell
One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:

Demon: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fxxxin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead.
Guy: Golly!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.
Guy: Gosh, I never played pai gow before...

Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already dead. Guy: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!

Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Demon: Oooh (grimaces), you're gonna hate Fridays!

Confession is good for the soul

David O'Mally and his friend Tim O'Leary went into the church to see the priest for David's confession. Tim asked David why he needed to go to confession. David just said, " I do." Tom said, "I will wait for you outside."

David starts to tell the priest, "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Father asked, "What have you done my son." "Father I have been with a woman and I am not married nor was she." Father asked, "Who was it?" David said, "Father I can not tell you." Father says, Was it Katie McCormick?" David says, "Father I can not tell you." Father asks, "Was it Mary O'Toole?" David says, "Father I can not tell you." Father asks again, "Was it Margaret O'Reily?" David says, "Father I can not tell you."

So Father says, "All right my son, say 10 Hail Marys and stay away from the church for 3 weeks as your penance."

So David comes out and sees his friend Tim. Tim asks him, "How was it?" David says "It was great. I told the priest I had been with a woman." Tim says, " David you have not been with a woman for 2 1/2 years!" David says, " I know but now I have 3 good leads and 3 weeks off!!

The New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Ford In Heaven

Henry Ford went to heaven upon his death and was given a warm welcome at the pearly gates. St. Peter, after completing the formalities, asked him how he would like to spend his time. Ford, the great inventor, asked to see some of the inventors before him.

So St. Peter printed out the list of all the inventors currently (doing time) in heaven. As Ford started to go through the list, he came across the name Adam. He queried if it was the same guy who discovered Eve, the woman. St Peters confirmed that indeed Adam was the man credited with the discovery of women.

Ford requested an audience with Adam, as he had a few things to straighten out with him. When the scheduled meeting took place, Ford was all over Adam, attacking him for the flaws in his invention.

"Your invention is the most stupid work of engineering I ever saw. There is too much front end protrusion, the rear end wobbles too much, it chatters at high speeds and the intake is placed too close to the exhaust".

Obviously, Adam doesn't like it too much. He thinks for a while and then leads Henry Ford to the Celestial computer. He works with the enormous data banks and in a few minutes there are beeps and all that, and out come a few charts and graphs.

"Look here, Mr Ford. Despite all the flaws you pointed out, data shows that there are more men riding my product than yours."

Drunk Confession

A priest noticed a ragged drunk staggering into the church and was pleased to see the man stumble into the confession booth. The priest entered the box and waited patiently to receive the man's confession, but there was nothing but silence for the longest time. Finally, there was a stirring in the booth and the priest heard the drunk say, "Excuse me, is there any paper on your side?"

Three Men to Heaven

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, so Peter had to tell the first one, "heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I 've been asked to admit only people who have particularly horrible deaths.

So what's your story?" so the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding.

Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now, I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back to my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into bushes, stunned but okay.

I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony. "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about the heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me.

I know I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally, I just let go. But again I was lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I am here".

Once again, Peter to concede that that sounded like a pretty horribledeath. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a fridge....."

Pastor's Gravy Ladle

In France, the assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper.

One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his heart he wondered if there was more between the pastor and his housekeeper than met the eye.

After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that everything was purely professional...that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that.

About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"

The Pastor said, " Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he sat down and wrote, "My son, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner."

The young assistant received the letter, and he answered it as follows: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you would find the gravy ladle."

Who Is God

A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?" After thinking a moment, his mother responds, "Well, God is both male and female." This confuses the little boy so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well, God is both black and white." This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers anyway, "Honey, God is both gay and straight." At this, the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Is God Michael Jackson?"

Father's Pregnancy Pains

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do (they don't want the baby). About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.
"It's worth a try," he says.
So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."
"What?" says the priest. "What happened?"
"You gave birth to a child."
"But that's impossible!"
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."

80 Year Old Confesses

A guy goes into confession and says to the priest,"Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them, twice!!" The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father - I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?" "I'm telling everybody!!!!!"

The Truck Driver

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP", and then he would swerve back on to the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?".

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road", replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck".

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back on to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer.

Even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer".

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door."

Where Is God

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!" The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing. Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" Again the boy look all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "WHERE IS GOD?"

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIIIIIG trouble."

The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIIG trouble?"

His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."

Crossword Puzzle

Sitting on a train with a young curate, the Bishop was attempting to do the Times crossword. "Three across," he said out loud.

"Exclusively female, four letters, ends in U-N-T." "That would be 'Aunt'" suggested the curate. "So it would," said the Bishop. "Have you an eraser by any chance?"

Nuns In Heaven

Three nuns die and go to heaven. They're met at the gates of heaven by St. Peter and say to him "Hi St. Peter. We're three nuns. Can we come in?" "No no" said St. Peter "It's not that simple. These days you have to pass a test to get into heaven." "O.K." said the nuns, "We'll do whatever it takes to get into heaven." So St. Peter asks the first nun, "Who was the first man on earth?" The first nun said, "That's an easy one. Adam." Bells are ringing, lights are flashing, people are clapping. Right answer. She gets in. St. Peter asks the second nun, "Who was the first woman on earth?" The second nun said, "That's an easy one. Eve." Bells are ringing, lights are flashing, people are clapping. Right answer. St. Peter then asks the third nun, "What were the first words Eve spoke to Adam?" The third nun says "That's a hard one . . ." Bells are ringing, lights are flashing, people are clapping.