LinkExchange Member

Fly Me

A friend of a guy in the Nutrition School at Tufts was one of the lucky passengers on board a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during our recent hurricane "Bob".

The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use.

When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom:

"Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it? But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston."

After a short pause and several clicks, we heard: "Jesus Christ... Whatta bitchin' ride! Boy - I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now!"

As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her:

"Don't forget the coffee!"

Driving Test Answers

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving-violation offenders).

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shitfaced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long.

If you think you're having a bad day...

Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wetsuit, complete with a dive tank, flippers and face mask. A post-mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification.

Investigators then set about determining how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast--some 20 MILES away from the forest. The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets. The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied.

You guessed it!!! One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket 300m in the air.

Letter to IRS

This is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of last year's weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions, and credits.

Dear Sirs: I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me, but for now they are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze; Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend . Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, flammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers?)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it.

Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and make a down payment on an airplane.

Yours truly,

Bob

(Note: The taxpayer in question added this caveat at a later date. "Rats, they sent me the refund and allowed the deductions." Our response, "Gee Bob, sometimes you just can't get a break.")

YOUR ORDINARY PENNY-PINCHING JOGGER

Phoenix, Arizona -- Craig Davison isn't your ordinary penny-pincher.

He figures he has jogged 120,000 miles since he began running regularly in 1978 -- and has collected more than $5,170 in loose change on the way.

"People say to me, 'I never find money when I run,"' Davison, 43, said Sunday. "I say, 'You're running too fast."'

Davison, who runs about 30 races each year, isn't in it for the money. But each day he picks up the coins he finds and logs the amount in a diary.

All those dropped dimes, nickels and pennies paid for a second honeymoon in Hawaii in 1991 for Davison and his wife, Irene. He also picks up proofs-of-purchase from discarded cigarette packs. His RCA satellite dish -- courtesy of Marlboro -- arrived last week.

"I asked my tax guy whether I should declare it and he said that, one, they wouldn't believe it, and, two, nobody's that honest to report a penny they found on the ground."

Available Immediately (Heaven's Gate)

Thirty Nine positions at Higher Source, a web site development and production house. Our business has really taken off like a comet and we now have quite a few positions to fill.

The individuals at the core of our group have worked closely together for over 20 years. During those years, each of us has developed a high degree of skill and know-how through personal discipline and concerted effort.

We try to stay positive in every circumstance and put the good of a project above any personal concerns or artistic egos. By sustaining this attitude and conduct, we have achieved a high level of efficiency and quality in our work. This crew-minded effort, combined with ingenuity and creativity, have helped us provide advanced solutions at highly competitive rates.

Currently based in Rancho Santa Fe, California (near San Diego), we provide excellent opportunity for advancement to a higher place. In fact all of our employees have recently been promoted.

We provide free clothing, Nike tennis shoes, pudding, apple sauce and vodka. You must supply your own Phenol Barbital. Every employee is issued a large purple cloth, the purpose of which will become clear. Free haircuts too.

No experience is necessary. We will train you to work and think within our business model.

ID is required. Abduction experiences a plus. We are looking for real team players. Please send resumes to bunchowackos@highersource.com.

Lincoln/Kennedy Connections

*Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
*John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
*The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
*Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
*Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
*Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head.
*Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
*Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
*Both were assassinaited by Southerners.
*Both were succeeded by Southerens.
*Both successors were named Johnson.
*Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
*Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
*John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
*Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.
*Both assassins were know by their three names.
*Both names compromise fifteen letters.
*Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
*Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
*To cap it all off, Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

Real Headlines:

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired
Man Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

More Bad Days

A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore--where a tree blew over and killed him.

Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge--killing him.

Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.

George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.

Depressed because he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.

In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.

A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.

Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison.

In 1976 a 22-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit--Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover.

While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports car. At this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.

Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized in serious condition. Their cars were not scratched.

In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged 18 to 29 received jail sentences of three to four years in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that started when one of the men threw a french fry at another while they stood waiting for a train.

Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him, she fainted. Hearing a disturbance, a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.

An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday Express, was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard. A few moments later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, come to read the meter. "Oh," stammered the woman, "I was expecting the baker." The gas man blinked, excused himself and departed.

Removing A Gerbil

There just isn't any way to describe this.

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Thomaszweski told doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of the Salt Lake City Hospital. He and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained.

"As usual Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon', my cue that he'd had enough, I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Thomaszweski hair and severly burnig his face.

It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball. Thomaszweski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose for the impact of the gerbil, while Mr. Farnum suffered first degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

Prank on Drunk Guy

We've all seen him, the party drunk/asshole. He has too much to drink, makes an ass out of himself, barfs all over the rug, then passes out on your bed.

We had a guy on the boat (I'm in the USN sub force) who would get so drunk when we pulled into a liberty port the asshole had to be carried back and dumped in his rack. We didn't want the MP's to snag him because that makes the boat look bad and our dickhead CO might have secured everyone's liberty.

To take care of this once and for all, we brought him back one night, out cold of course, and placed him in his rack on his side with his ass pointing to us. One person pulled down is pants and underwear while another person ran to the freezer and Doc's office. The second person came back with a frozen hotdog and a condom.

Here is how you do this little stunt:

1. Unwrap the condom and place it over the frozen hotdog. A lubricated one works best.
2. Shove the device up the guys ass and leave it there for a second or two. The condensation from the hotdog will allow it to be removed from the condom while leaving the rubber in the asshole.
3. Pull the victims pants up and leave them unbuttoned and unbuckled. (OPTIONAL)

The less people involved the better. When our victim woke up and went to the head we all had to leave to keep from cracking up. When he was done with his shit, shower, and shave, he came to the mess decks for chow. He sat next to a friend of mine who was involved with the shen and asked, "Hey man, what happened last night?"

"I was going to ask you the same thing. You started drinking with some dork from a skimmer and the next thing we knew you guys were off to the bars out in town. Why?"
He had a mortified look on his face. "Uhh, just wondering." He never got trashed again while on that deployment.

Music Test Answers

These are stories and test questions accumulated by music teachers in the state of Missouri. circa 1989..
Childrens Answers in Music Education

*Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
*Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.
*A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
*John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.
*Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.
*Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.
*Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.
*Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.
*An opera is a song of bigly size.
*In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after.
*When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.
*Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
*I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.
*Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America.
*A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the odium.
*Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy.
*Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.
*Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and McCoys.
*My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.
*My favorite composer is Opus.
*A harp is a nude piano.
*A tuba is much larger than its name.
*Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.
*You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more cellos.
*Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick with the first name and learn it good.
*A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.
*While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.
*The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.
*When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.
*Question: What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums.
*Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!
*A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.
*Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble.
*Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument? Answer: Yes.
*The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good.
*For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch.
*I can't reach the brakes on this piano!
*The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up.
*Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor.
*Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types.
*The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument.
*The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.
*A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.
*Tubas are a bit too much.
*Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.
*I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow or Friday be best?
*My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.
*It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.
*Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.

Source: Missouri School Music Newsletter, collected by Harold Dunn.

Crime and Stupidity

True story from San Francisco:

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture - of handcuffs. #########################################

True story from Orange County:

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from party the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that his is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find: the police car, lights still flashing.

This is allegedly a true story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting, according to the newspaper account.

UNUSUAL CASE by William A. Morton, Jr, MD

Scrotum Self-Repair One morning I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other than to say that he "needed a doctor who took care of men's troubles."

The patient, about 40, was pale. febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of angry red and black-and-blue scrotal skin. After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-smelling stained gauze wrapped around his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum. Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some half-buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were.

Several days eariler, he replied, he had injured himself in the machine shop where he worked and had closed the laceration himself with a heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch staples of the type used in putting up wallboard. We x-rayed the patient's scrotum to locate the staples; admitted him to the hospital; and gave him tetanus antitoxin, broad-spectrum antibacterial therapy, and hexaclorophrene sitz baths prior to surgery the next morning.

The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement of the left side of the scrotal pouch. Eight rusty staples were retrieved, and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened. The left testis had been avulsed and was missing. The stump of the spermatie cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided, and the vessels lifated properly, though not much of a hematoma was present. Through-and-through Penrose drains were sutured loosely in site, and the skin was loosely closed.

Convalescence was uneventful, and before his release from the hospital a week later, the patient confided the rest of his story to me. An unmarried loner, he usually didn't leave the machine shop at lunchtime with his coworkers. Finding himself alone, he began the regular practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive-belt of a large floor-based piece of running machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum suddenly became caught between the pulley-wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis, and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound close and resumed his work. I can only assume he abandoned this method of self-gratification. Please Remember - This is an ACTUAL case history.

More Headlines

These are actual headlines from various newspapers... Paper names or source are unknown...
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Emergency Room Stories

Just a few stories from our nation's Emergency Rooms to prove that fact is stranger than fiction.

- A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.

- A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina and then safety-pinned her labia shut. Unable to have children she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby.

- A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could reattach the mans genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good condition. The police were dispatched to the man's house and the search was on. During the search one of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the man's poodle that was sitting in the corner. After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the man's jewels from the dog's mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee while sitting (if you know what I mean) The officer was given a commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.

- A woman with shortness on breath and who weighed approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not least during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch".

- A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" at this the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!) Instead he was saying "Whore! Whore! Whore!"

- A 40-year old man and his wife were playing with some vegetables when a cucumber became lodged in his rectum. Unable to get it out on his own he showed up at the ER for some assistance. All he was given was some pain pills and KY jelly and told to wait and he would eventually poop it out. On his way out one of the nurses yelled "Come on back this afternoon. Were having a Butt- luck supper". (How embarrassing is that!)

- An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter (a tube passed through the urethra and into the bladder) a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had found the money. His response: "It was a fifty, bitch!"

- An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green vines in my virginny" (Interesting). A pelvic exam verifies that she did, indeed, have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about it.

- The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.

- A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young female's room.

-Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?"
Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."
Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"
Patient: "No. Who?"

- A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"

- A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly, "I've been fucking the dog?"

- A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. "I went to the bathroom and "gagged" myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."

Newspaper Ad

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Pbone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoyiny telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!

Only in America: Insured Cigars

A North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars, insured them against... get this... fire. After he had smoked them, he then decided that he had a claim against the insurance company and filed. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigar normally. The man sued. The judge stated that since the company had insured the cigars against fire, they were obligated to pay. After the man accepted payment for his claim, the insurance company then had the man him arrested . . . for arson.

ALL GREEK TO SHAQUILLE

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." -- Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

MILITARY OFFICER EVALUATIONS

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity."
"I would not allow this Officer to breed."
"This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
"He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction."
"He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle."
"Technically sound, but socially impossible."
"This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably."
"Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig."
"She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age."
"This Officer should go far--and the sooner he starts, the better."
"In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet."
"Works well when under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap."
"This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

Mr. Gorsky and Neil Armstrong

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual comm traffic between him, Buzz Aldrin, and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lunar module, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

Just last year, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

True story.

NASA Being Sued

July 24, 1997 Web posted at: 10:44 p.m. EDT (0244 GMT)

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- No one expects to lose much sleep over it but, for the record, NASA has been sued by three men from Yemen for invading Mars.

The three say they own the red planet, and claim they have documents to prove it.

"We inherited the planet from our ancestors 3,000 years ago," they told the weekly Arabic-language newspaper Al-Thawri, which published the report Thursday.

Adam Ismail, Mustafa Khalil and Abdullah al-Umari filed the lawsuit in San'a, Yemen, and presented documents to the country's prosecutor general which they say proves their claim. There was no word on whether they had paid the appropriate inheritance taxes.

The claim is prompted, apparently, by the exploration of Mars by NASA's Pathfinder spacecraft and Sojourner rover, which have been sending back photos and data for analysis since early July.

"Sojourner and Pathfinder, which are owned by the United States government, landed on Mars and began exploring it without informing us or seeking our approval," the men charge.

They demand the immediate suspension of all operations on Mars until a court delivers a verdict. They also ask that NASA refrain from disclosing any information pertaining to Mars' atmosphere, surface or gravity before receiving approval from them, or until a verdict is reached.

'It's a ridiculous claim'

"It's a ridiculous claim," NASA news chief Brian Welch told CNN Thursday after smothering a chuckle. "Mars is a planet out in the solar system that is the property of all humanity, not two or three guys in Yemen."

Richard Cook, the Pathfinder mission manager at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, California, agreed. "It's everybody's," he said. "Mars is for the whole world to explore and to understand."

Welch says a 1967 international treaty holds that everything in the solar system, except Earth itself, is the property of everyone in the world and no one country.

"Just because we land on Mars first doesn't mean the United States owns it," he said.

Welch said he thought the issue could get more serious in the future "when people actually are going to these places and the resources found have some value. ... More complicated issues will have to be resolved between countries, or between companies."

Taking the opportunity to clear the air on another galactic real estate matter, Welch said he knew of no plans to take legal action against a man who has been selling deeds to property on the moon.

Welch said the deeds are as worthless as the Yemenis' claims. "That's why they invented the phrase 'Caveat emptor' [Let the buyer beware]," he said.

Removing A Lightbulb

In all societies, individuals have introduced foreign bodies into the rectum, penis, and vagina, sometimes for sexual gratification and sometimes for unusual psychological reasons. The literature contains many reports of such instances, particularly with respect to foreign bodies in the rectum. Objects reported include stones, coke bottles, plastic vibrators, pencils, sticks, a baseball, knives, screwdrivers, the U-bend of a sink, a sponge rubber ball, glass tumblers, a pickle bottle, and a beer glass.

This case report adds to the list a 100-watt electric bulb, an object not previously reported, and describes the technique used for the successful removal of this fragile object. A 54-year-old man presented with the complaint that two days earlier he had drunk whiskey and "did something" to his rectum. He was obviously embarrassed and reluctant to explain his problem. Rectal examination revealed a hard, smooth, globular mass. The results of the rest of the physical examination were within normal limits.

When asked specifically, the patient admitted that an electric bulb had been in his rectum for two days. He said he had gotten drunk, accepted a wager of $100 and, using shaving cream as a lubricant, had inserted a 100-watt electric bulb into his rectum. The next day, sober, he realized that he had done a "stupid" thing but believed that the bulb would come out unassisted. After two days he became aware of difficulty defacating, and when he began to experience difficulty urinating, he became frightened and sought medical help. AP and lateral films of the pelvis verified the location of the electric bulb in the rectum, and the patient was taken to the operating room.

He was placed in a face-down position with his hips elevated. The buttocks were separated and held apart by a circular metal ring. With the aid of malleable retractors in the rectum, the electric bulb was visualized, but it was not possible to get a gloved finger over the maximum diameter of the bulb. Toy darts with suction cup ends were used to draw the electric bulb to the sphincter. After drying the glass surface of the bulb with ethyl ether swabs, we attempted to attach the suction cup end of the dart to the eletric bulb with cyanoacrylate cement. Four attempts of this maneuver were unsuccessful: the cement would not stick. The patient was then turned to the lithotomy position and another dart was successfully attached to the bulb without any glue, and the bulb was pulled to the sphincter. Three #24 Foley catheters with 30-cc terminal balloons were lubricated with mineral oil and passed over the maximum diameter of the bulb. The catheters were placed at the six, ten and two o'clock positions.

Throughout this procedure, a steady pull was maintained on the attached dart. After it was verified by digital examination that the tips and balloons of the catheters were beyond the maximum diameter of the bulb, the balloons were inflated with 30 cc of water, and about 30 cc of mineral oil was injected into the rectum through a Foley catheter. A steady pull of about five pounds was applied to each catheter, and after about ten minutes the sphincter began to dilate and the bulb began to emerge. The electric bulb finally came out through the external sphincter with no further complications. Sigmoidoscopic examination showed no bleeding or other injury to the rectal mucosa. After 24 hours of observation, the patient returned home.

The literature describes various methods that have been employed to retrieve foreign bodies from the rectum. Because this electric bulb was a large object (maximum diameter, 61 mm; length from metal end to top, 114 mm) made of fragile glass, special consideration had to be taken to avoid breakage that would have resulted in lacerations to the rectum and adjacent structures, with consequent complications. Ideally, the bulb should be removed intact from the rectum through the anus. If this is not possible, the abdomen must be opened and the bulb gently squeezed through the rectum and the anus, with great care taken to avoid injuring the rectum. Should this method be unsuccessful, the sigmoid colon must be opened and the bulb removed through the abdominal incision; however, opening the sigmoid colon is a very lenghy procedure with severe morbidity and a prolonged recovery period, and this maneuver should be reserved as an extraordinary measure.

Vaman S. Diwan, MD, MS Huntington, West Virginia

Resume Statements

1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
5. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
12."Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
18. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
20. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
21. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
22. "Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
23. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
24. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions."
25. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
26. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
27. "References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

Farmer's Claim

The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent.

Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"

Farmer: "That's right."

Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"

Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life.

Proxy Father

British Humor The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant Through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father - a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.

The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon". Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell...Ms. Smith: Good morning.

Salesman: Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to...

Ms. Smith: No need to explain, I've been expecting you.

Salesman: Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins.

Ms. Smith: That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

Salesman: (Sitting) Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?

Ms. Smith: Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do.

Salesman: Well, perhaps we should get down to it.

Ms. Smith: (Blushing) Just where do we start?

Salesman: Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out.

Ms. Smith: Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me.

Salesman: Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the result. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please'.

Ms. Smith: Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal.

Salesman: Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that.

Ms. Smith: Don't I know? Have you had much success at this?

Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London.

Ms. Smith: Oh, my??

Salesman: And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.

Ms. Smith: She was?

Salesman: Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.

Ms. Smith: Four and five deep?

Salesman: Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in.

Ms. Smith: You mean they actually chewed on your, eh ..., equipment?

Salesman: That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store.

Ms. Smith: I just can't believe it.

Salesman: Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.

Ms. Smith: TRIPOD???

Salesman: Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting...

Ms. Smith?... Ms. Smith? ...My word, she's fainted?

Women In Front

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation.

"This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"

Courtroom Quotes

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses

"Were you present when your picture was taken?"

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."

Honesty Is The Best Policy

That honesty is the best policy was driven home to me a couple of days ago, when I went to the butcher's shop late in the day. A wizened old lady wanted to buy a lamb roast, so he'd pulled one out, weighed it, and told her, "That'll be $13.45, please."

"Too small, I'm afraid. Do you have a larger one?"

The butcher picked up the roast, went out to the back room, waited a while (it was obviously the last one he had in stock), and came back. "This one should be better. It's $15.20."

I was just about to explode in protest, when I saw the old lady give him a sly grin. "Thank you. That's perfect. I'll take both."

In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times

Britain returned control of Hong Kong to China this week. In a last minute decision, England decided to throw in Fergie for free. (Cutler Daily Scoop)

Now that Hong Kong has switched, it's only a matter of time before they'll be bothered during dinner by AT&T, Sprint and MCI trying to get them to switch again. (Miller)

China should be doing pretty good at this point - Britain gave them Hong Kong, and the Democrats are selling them Washington.

Washington has been experiencing a heat wave. It was so hot, people were standing around Senate Republicans just to feel the chill coming off their hearts when they cut Medicare for the elderly. (Leno)

Travel Advisory: Don't go to the Republic of Congo. They're having a fight. (rhf)

The Senate voted to increase the Medicare eligibility age from 65 to 67, and senior citizens are upset. Senator Strom Thurmond responded, "These kids today, it's always gimme gimme gimme."

The White House has released its report on the future of the Internet. Most experts agree there is only one thing keeping the average person off the net - America Online.

A dissident faction of Ross Perot's Reform Party has broken off to form its own party. Politics are getting pretty bad when you have to reform the Reform Party.

President Clinton responded to the UN Earth Summit criticism by endorsing tough new standards for clean air. It's about time - twice during the '96 Olympics, the javelin got stuck in the sky.

The House adjourned without voting disaster aid for flood victims. Those people waited weeks for emergency help - never have a natural disaster in a year that doesn't end with an election.

McDonald's heiress Joan Kroc's $15 million gift to North Dakota flood victims has spawned other philanthropy. Michael Kennedy offered to drive their baby sitters home.

Mike Tyson was disqualified because of a lobe blow. (rhf)

The only person happy with the outcome of the fight was Tyson's new corner person - Lorena Bobbitt.

Mike Tyson used to be a world ranked prize fighter - now he's just a two bit boxer. (rhf)

A Russian cargo ship crashed into the Mir space station. Did you know that 'Mir' is Russian for 'Amtrak'?

The Air Force says aliens didn't land in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947. They say they were just test dropping mannequins. Knowing what we know about the Air Force, they were probably blow up dolls. (Sorry Ken :)

Debate continues on Capitol Hill over the Kelly Flinn case. Most lawmakers think the military code is too strict. Of course, these are the same lawmakers who think the Sixth Commandment says, 'Thou shalt not admit adultery'.

I think if everyone in the Air Force who deserved it was court martialed for adultery, SAC bombers would have to contract out to UPS.

The Pentagon says it wants to be prepared to fight two wars at once - for example, one with Iraq and one with the '90's. (Cutler Daily Scoop)

The tobacco industry has agreed to pay $360 billion to settle lawsuits. The good news for them - they can get a full refund on all the congressmen they bought in the last year if they still have the receipts. (Leno)

As part of the agreement, the tobacco companies have to get rid of all their billboards. Pretty soon, Joe Camel and the Marlboro Man will be living in OJ's guest house.

Smokers can relax, though. It's still legal to smoke under water and on top of Mt. Everest.

And finally, following a lengthy illness, famed undersea explorer Jacques Cousteau has died. In accordance with his wishes, he will not be buried or cremated - his family will flush him down the toilet. (rhf)

Job Application

This is an actual job application someone submitted for a Fast-food establishment:

APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

SCIENCE IN A NUTSHELL
5th and 6th graders

The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom.

A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water and then forcing it through an aviator.

The inhabitants of Moscow are Mosquitoes.

It is so hot in some places that people there have to live in other places.

Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places which is why they look like umbrellas.

The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I never have been able to make out the numbers.

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.

One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

Blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

I'm not sure how clouds are formed, but clouds know how to do it, and that's the important thing.

To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.

Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because so many people are stomping around there these days.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.

The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up with coming down.

Someday we might discover magnets that can point in any direction.

You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

Tyson Headlines

Some newspaper headlines the day after the big fight.

"Pay Per Chew" - Philadelphia Daily News.
"Ear-Responsible" - Fort Worth Star-Telegram.
"Undisputed Chomp" - USA TODAY.
"Earmarks of cowardice" - Houston Chronicle.
''Tyson Subject of Biting Criticism" - The (Baltimore) Sun.
''Reality Bites" - Times Union of Albany, N.Y.
"Did Tyson Bite Off More Than He Can Chew? Time Will Tell" - Salt Lake Tribune.
"A Bad Bite for Boxing" - The News & Observer of Raleigh.
"Twice Bitten" - Times-Picayune of New Orleans.

Slogans for Tyson Holyfield III:
The Third Gogh Around
Dahmer vs. Psalmer
The Last Supper
Ear-Reconcilable Differences
Grazing Bull
You Wanna Peice of Me?
Blood Sweat and Ears
No Lobe Lost
Bite of the Century
Because you're dumb enough to pay for it.

Contraceptive Jelly

PHILADELPHIA, Pa. - A woman is suing the pharmacy that sold her a popular contraceptive jelly - because she ate the stuff on toast and got pregnant anyway.

And, incredibly, many legal experts are saying she's got an excellent chance of collecting!

"The woman is a complete idiot," said one attorney who asked that we not use his name. "How bright can you be if you think eating a vaginal gel will prevent conception?

"But certain aspects of the case involve truth in labeling and false advertising issues. She may not collect but she'll make a lot of noise and trouble. People are down on lawyers anyway. They think we waste time and money on frivolous lawsuits. This isn't going to help our public relations any."

A spokesman for the unnamed mom-and-pop drugstore says he's shocked and angry that such a case could ever be taken seriously. "All she has to do is open the box and read the directions," says the spokesman. "Next thing you know someone will come after us because they couldn't stick things together with their toothpaste.

"I can just imagine some moron saying: 'It's paste, isn't it? Why can't I glue these papers onto my bulletin board?' "

But attorneys for Mrs. Chyton say she was swindled and lied to by implication and they intend to make the pharmacy pay $500,000 for the hardship the woman will have to endure.

"It says right on it 'jelly,'" says Mrs. Chyton, a former model who was once a cheerleader for a popular professional basketball team.

"And they kept it on the shelf just two aisles from the food section. I know, now, that the directions say it should be used vaginally with a condom.

"But who has time to sit around reading directions these days - especially when you're sexually aroused?

"The company should call it something else and the pharmacy shouldn't sell it without telling each and every customer who buys it that eating it won't prevent you from getting pregnant."

As bizarre as it sounds, the pharmacy could wind up losing the lawsuit. "It's hard for businesses to avoid troublesome lawsuits," said another attorney.

"With the courts bending over backwards to please consumer groups, the temper of the times is perfect for these crackpots to bring legal action against businesses - even a moronic legal action like this."

San Diego Zoo

Some years ago, the famous San Diego Zoo opened a second, larger branch called the San Diego Wild Animal Park. The Park is built around an enormous open-field enclosure where the animals roam free. To see the animals, visitors ride on a monorail called the Wgasa Bush Line which circles the enclosure. Here's the true story of how the Wgasa Bush Line got its name.

They wanted to give the monorail a jazzy, African sounding name. So they sent out a memo to a bunch of zoo staffers saying, "What shall we call the monorail at the Wild Animal Park?" One of the memos came back with "WGASA" written on the bottom. The planners loved it and the rest is history. What the planners didn't know was that the zoo staffer had not intended to suggest a name. He was using an acronym which was popular at the time. It stood for "Who gives a shit anyhow?"