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Vowel to Bosnia
Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O,U, and Y, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian words more pronounceable.
"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world," Clinton said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say 'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavor."
The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Storm by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying more than 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.
Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels. "My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my poor, wretched family just one 'E.' Please."
Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream."
If the initial airlift is successful, Clinton said the United States will go ahead with full-scale vowel deployment, with C-130's airdropping thousands more letters over every area of Bosnia. Other nations are expected to pitch in as well, including 10,000 British "A's" and 6,500 Canadian "U's." Japan, rich in A's and O's, was asked to participate, but declined.
"With these valuable letters, the people of war-ravaged Bosnia will be able to make some terrific new words," Clinton said. "It should be very exciting for them, and much easier for us to read their maps."
Linguists praise the US's decision to send the vowels. For decades they have struggled with the hard consonants and difficult pronunciation of most Slavic words. "Vowels are crucial to construction of all language," Baylor University linguist Noam Frankel said. "Without them, it would be difficult to utter a single word, much less organize a coherent sentence. Please, just don't get me started on the moon-man languages they use in those Eastern European countries."
According to Frankel, once the Bosnians have vowels, they will be able to construct such valuable sentences as: "The potatoes are ready"; "I believe it will rain"; and "All my children are dead from the war" [And "Oh my God, there's an axe in my head."?]
The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, lifegiving supplies of L's, S's and T's. The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the letters were intercepted and hoarded by violent, gun-toting warlords.
Political Systems with 2 Cows
This sheds a whole new light on comparative politics.
Do you have two cows?
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with
everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as
much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a
barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take
care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives
you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and
sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all
share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government
takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two
unlicensed farm animals in an apartment. Six canes!
MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who
gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After
the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs
the affair "Cowgate".
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The
government doesn't do anything.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them
and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both,
shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to
fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try
to kill you and take the cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed
company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with
a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a
Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority
shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The
annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever
existed. Milk is banned.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a
symbol of the phallo - centric, war - mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged
(but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of
this milk.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Clinton's Pigs
Air Force One comes in for a landing at the airport. A ramp is wheeled up and President Clinton appears carrying a pig under each arm. As he comes down the ramp, the Marine at the bottom snaps to a salute.
Clinton says, "You'll have to excuse me. I can't return your salute. My hands are full."
"Yes Sir. I see the pigs Sir!" responds the Marine.
"Now hold on," says Clinton. "These aren't just pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks."
"Yes Sir! Razorbacks Sir!" says the Marine.
"I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary," Clinton explains.
The Marine answers, "Yes Sir! An excellent trade if I may say so myself Sir!"
Clinton in Heaven
Clinton and the Pope die on the same day. Due to some administrative glitch, Clinton is sent to Heaven and the Pope is sent to Hell.
The Pope explains the situation to the Hell administration, they check their paperwork,
and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to
make the switch. The next day the Pope is called in, the Hell administration bids him
farewell and he heads for Heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down; they
stop to chat:
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
Clinton: No problem.
Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to Heaven.
Clinton: Why's that?
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
Clinton: You're a day late.
Air Force One $100
Bill Clinton, Bob Dole, and Ross Perot are on a long flight in Air Force One.
Perot pulls out a $100 bill and says "I'm going to throw this $100 bill out and make someone down below happy."
Dole, not wanting to be outdone, says, "If that was my $100 bill, I would split it into 2 $50 bills and make two people down below happy."
Of course Clinton doesn't want these two candidates to outdo him, so he chimes in, "I would instead take 100 $1 bills and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier."
At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."
Clinton Jokes
The first...
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the
VIP section and yells something, and suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and
throws her over the side and onto the field. The stunned umpire shouted, "No, Mr.
President! I said, 'Throw the first PITCH!'"
Q. Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
A. The nation.
Q. What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a dishonest lawyer?
A. Chelsea Clinton.
Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after having Sex?
A."Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
Chelsea's Letter
Of course everyone has heard about Chelsea Clinton's move from Washington DC to her new college home. Well, I'm happy to bring you a top secret transcript of her first letter back to President Bill Clinton:
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your Daughter Chel$ea.
*************
Dear Chelsea ,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Your Father,
Bill Clinton
New EU Language
The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the
official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had
some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as
"EuroEnglish": -- In the first year, "s" will replace the soft
"c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear
up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm
in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the
"f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage
where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of
double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is
disgraceful, and they should go away. By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such
as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaiining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!
Clinton In Class
Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can
give him an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stands up and offers "If my best friend who lives next door was
playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff,
killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT
LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks Clinton,
"Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an
airplane carrying Bill & Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a
tragedy."
"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would
be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly
would be no great loss.
What is Politics?
Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"
Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"
Son: "What is Politics?"
Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your needs, so let's call you The People. We'll call the Maid The Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it."
That night, awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his nappy, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what politics is."
Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: " Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is in deep shit!"
THE PRESIDENT'S PARROT
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While Bill, Hillary and Chelsea were vacationing at Camp David the housekeeper was tasked
with looking after their pet parrot. They hadn't been gone for more than a couple of days
when the parrot was found dead in the bottom of it's cage.
The housekeeper knew the first family would be desolate at the loss of one of their family pets, so she set out to find a replacement bird and visited nearly every pet store in Washington.
After nearly two days of looking no-stop, she came across an almost exact duplicate of the bird. As she purchased the parrot, the shop owner cautioned her that the bird had previously be owned by a Madam and had lived for several years in a house of ill-repute.
The housekeeper replied that no one would ever know and she took the bird back to the White House.
The morning after the Clintons return to the White House, Chelsea walked through the room and the bird said, "Too young."
A little later Hillary came into the room and the bird responded with, "Too old."
Late that afternoon the President entered the room and the bird said, "HI, BILL!"