LinkExchange Member
DR. SEUSS' LESSER-KNOWN BOOKS
1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Are You My Proctologist?
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Feels a Ho
6. The Lemon-Fresh Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the F**k Out!
12. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
13. The Bitch Set Me Up
14. I've Fallen---And I Can't Get Up!
15. Yentl the Lentil
16. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
17. Aunts in My Pants
18. Hop On Mom
19. Oh, the Place You'll Scratch and Sniff!
20. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
21. The Grinch's Ten Inch
Fry Tim McVeigh (To the tune of YMCA By the Village People)
Trials - there's one every day
I said trials - spent 2 years with OJ
With these trials - now we're on Timmy McVeigh
And there's one thing we want to say
chorus We want the jury to
FRY Tim Mcveigh
We want the jury to
FRY Tim McVeigh
We don't want no parole
We don't want no appeal
We don't want no big bargain deal
We want the jury to
FRY Tim McVeigh
WE want the jury to
FRY Tim McVeigh
Send him straight to the chair
Shave his crewcut - dork hair
And don't stop till he's medium rare
We know - he's a murdering scum
We think - he should be strung up by his thumbs
For what he did - with his rented truck bomb
And now that the trial has begun
Connections - there's a new one each week
They've been published - by some internet geek
And by Playboy - we know they'd never lie
It's all there right by Miss July
repeat chorus
Lawyers - we won't let this one go
So reserve him - the best room on death row
In the meantime - while he waits in the pen
Let's hope some hulk makes Tim his girlfriend !
repeat chorus
"I Will Survive (College Version)"
At first I was afraid
Now I'm petrified
That I can't keep my GPA above 2.5
I spent all those stupid nights
Chilling way too long
And that was wrong
But now I must be strong
And now they're back
They're in my face
3 finals and 2 papers to be done in just five days!
I shouldn't have gone out
I shouldn't have partied
'Cause now all this work I have
Is piling up on me!
And I must go
To the library
To do research on those papers
And, yes, I must study
It's hell, I'll tell you that and you know it's not a lie
But I can't crumble
I can't lay down and die
Oh no not I!
I will survive!
If I keep a 2 point O
At least I'll be alive!
I've got five more days to live and I think my brain will give
But I'll survive!
I will survive!
Lance Ito's Sidebar & Grill
If You Have An Hour To Kill,
Please Join Us For Dinner
APPETIZERS
ROSA LOPEZ NACHOS......................
$3.95 Spicy, with a thick Mexican accent. Nachos haven't been this good since... well, we
can't remember!
SALADS
KATO SALAD.............................
$3.95 An empty head of lettuce, with very little dressing.
FROM THE BAR
RON GOLDMAN WINE.......................
$3.95 Young vintage, good body. But you have to bring your own glasses.
PAULA BARBERI COCKTAIL.................
$3.95 O.J. with a little honey on the side. Goes down real easy.
MARCIA CLARK BEER......................
$1.95 We thought we had a case, but now we're not sure.
SANDWICHES
SIMPSON ALIBI SANDWICH.................
$4.25 Full of baloney, and hard to swallow, but lots of stupid people are buying it!
SOUP
SOUP DuJURY............................
$4.95 Aged for over a year. May be bitter.
FROM THE GRILL
MARK FUHRMAN CHICKEN PLATE.............
$5.95 Absolutely no dark meat.
VEAL A'LA NICOLE.......................
$4.95 Well battered, and sliced. Served without the head.
DENNIS FUNG PLATE......................
$5.95 Grilled detective, served open face. May be contaminated.
DESSERT
Sorry, our Bakery is TEMPORARILY CLOSED. The Lawyers have taken all the dough.
Hey, Masturbater (to the tune of the Macarenna)
Sitting in my house, and I know that I m alona,
Feeling kinda horny, got a jingle in my bona.
Go and grab a Penthouse its the one with Sharon Stona.
Hey Masturbata!!
I go a little faster and its feeling kind of nicea,
Once ain't enough so I have to do it twicea.
If you wanna spank the monkey I can give you good advicea.
Hey Masturbata!!
I use some baby oil or a little Vaselina,
Laying down a towel so I keep my carpet cleana.
Never shake my hand cause you don t know where its beena
Hey Masturbata!!
I do it in the car when I m driving down the streeta,
One hand on the wheel and the other s on my meata.
I can't get out the car cause I m sticking to the seata.
Hey Masturbater!!
Since I was a kid I have been a Masturbata,
choke the chicken, hum the knob, squeezing the tomata.
I've looked at Ms. November now I m gonna decorate her.
Hey, Masturbater!!
Buffing the banana, Mr. Lizard shaking bacona,
Pounding on the flounder and its mayonnaise I'm makinga.
Spank the frank, wax the carrot, god my hand's achinga.
Hey, Masturbater!!
BE MY GUEST New lyrics by: John P. Daly and Scott Danby
Alternative lyrics to _Be Our Guest_ from the movie "Beauty and the Beast"
Be my guest
Be my guest
Put my service to the test
Wrap your legs around my waist Cherie
And I will do the rest
Menage a trois, 69
Without your clothes you look just fine
Try the white stuff, it's delicious
Don't believe me? Ask Da bitches
They can scream, they can moan
When I give them all the bone
Cuz a screwing here is never 2nd best!
Come on unzip my pants
Then take a look, a glance
Be my guest!
I'm the best!
Be my guest!
Be my love
Be my slave
Let's kick back and watch some Dave
I'll prepare
Extraordinaire
And then I'll spelunk in your cave
We're alone and you're scared
But the bedroom's all prepared
No one's ever been complaining
Cuz I'm always entertaining
I sell smokes, you turn trix
I'm the Dick to end all Dicks!
Lick me, bite me, suck me, blow me, give me head
You're such a nice young lass
Come on and shake your ass
Be my guest
If you're stressed
It's my love spear
I suggest
Be my guest
I'm the best
Be my guest!
Life is disconnecting
To a flirter who's not flirting
He's not whole without a soul
To jump upon
Ah those good old days when I was fruitful
Tonight we'll be fruitful until dawn
Three weeks it's been missing
Needing so much more than kissing
Needing exercise, a chance to use my skill
Most days I just jerk off in the bathroom
Flabby, fat and lazy
You walk in and I go crazy
It's a guest!
It's a guest!
Wine's been poured
And I've been bored
Gosh I'd love to stroke her breast
With dessert she'll want me
With some luck we'll make it three
While the bed starts in a-squeaking
I'll be coming, I'll be peaking
You'll get warm, piping hot
Heaven's sakes, is that a spot?
Clean it up, we want the company impressed.
I've got you to do
Was that one fuck or two?
For you my guest
She's my guest
My command is your request
It's been three weeks since
I've seen anybody's peaks
And I'm obsessed
You're a treat, you're a tease
Yes indeed I aim to please
Through the night we'll keep a-going
Pretty soon you'll be a glowing
Thrust by thrust
One by one
Till you shout "Enough, I've come"
Then I'll whisk you off to bed for oral sex
Tonight you'll prop your feet up
And I'll start to eat up
Be my guest
I'm the best!
BE MY GUEST!
A Whole Nude World
by Walther, Fleury, and Friedland
(Aladdin)
I can show you my penis,
Big and sparkling and splendid,
I can make it extended
On my magic mattress ride.
I can open your thighs,
Rock your body like thunder,
Over, sideways, and under
On my magic mattress ride.
A whole nude world,
A new fantastic way to screw,
Everyone tells me "no,"
I need a blow, So I can start my screaming.
(Jasmine)
A whole nude world,
My sizzling space you never knew,
But when you're way down there,
Engrossed in hair,
Now I'm in a whole nude world with you.
(Aladdin)
Now I'm in a whole nude world with you.
(Jasmine)
Unbelievable size,
Indescribable squealing,
Leaning, bending, and kneeling
At my moist and gaping thighs.
A whole nude world
(Aladdin)
Don't you dare close your thighs
(Jasmine)
A hundred thousand sperm in me
(Aladdin)
Hold your breath-- it gets better
(Jasmine)
I'm like a shooting star,
I've come so far,
I can't go back to my virginity.
(Aladdin)
A whole nude world
(Jasmine)
Every thrust of your thighs
(Aladdin)
With new positions we can screw
(Jasmine)
Every moment gets wetter
(Both)
I'll lick you anywhere,
Hey, I don't care,
Let me share this whole nude world with you.
(Aladdin)
A whole nude world
(Jasmine)
A whole nude world
(Aladdin)
That's where we'll be
(Jasmine)
That's where we'll be
(Aladdin)
A thrilling taste
(Jasmine)
Of my hot place
(Both)
To you from me.
Season's Greetings
Money's short,
times are hard,
here's your fucking,
Christmas card.
Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the house,
everyone felt shitty,
even the mouse.
Mom at the whorehouse,
Dad smoking grass.
I'd just settled down,
for a nice peace of ass.
When out on the lawn,
i heard such a clatter.
I sprung from my piece,
to see whats the matter.
Then out on the lawn,
i saw a big dick.
I knew in a moment,
it must be Saint Nick.
He came down the chimney,
like a bat out of hell.
I knew in a moment,
the old fucker fell.
He filled all our stockings,
with pretzels and beer.
And a big rubber dick,
for my brother the queer.
He rose up the chimney,
with a thunderous fart.
The son of a bitch,
blew the chimney apart.
He swore and he cursed,
as he rode out of sight.
Piss on you all,
and have a good night.
North Pole, from the AP wire
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was necessary due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
- The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
- The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;
- The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
- The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
- The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;
- The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;
- The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;
- As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
- Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
- Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year; - Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending. Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Happy Holidays!
Christmas Story
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where. More Stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"
AND THAT my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree. Think...Act...Persevere...
Dr. Seuss' version of the Tyson-Holyfield Fight:
Evander's Ear ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Would you eat Evander's ear?
Would you, Mikey? Tell me clear.
I would not like that ear to eat.
I do not think it would taste sweet.
Ears are flavored bitter, friend,
and they've been known, careers to end.
Could you eat that fleshy thing?
Would you eat it in the ring?
Would you bite it on a dare?
and store it in the Fridgidaire?
I could not store it in the fridge.
It is mostly cartilage.
I will not bite Evander's flesh
whether frozen, fried or fresh.
You could be tempted, this I know
If things do not the right way go.
Your tiny brain will start to shout,
"This is a way to get me out!"
I will not eat it on a dare,
I will not eat it hanging there.
Even if the fight I lose
that's not a mouthful I would chewz.
Would you eat it in the ring?
Would you eat it for Don King?
Don King can ask, and ask, ask he
won't goad me 'cause that is nasty.
But what of head butts from Evander?
He'll knock your noodle, you know he can, sir.
He can butt me all he likes.
That does not mean his ear I bites.
Oh no! He butted Mikey's head!
He butted it just like I said!
Bite his ear! For vengeance sake!
Nibble on it like a snake.
I would not, could not bite his ear!
It would cost me my career.
Bite it, Mikey! Bite it off!
Or are you starting to get soft?
OK! OK! I'll bite that thing!
I will bite it in the ring.
"Hey... Tastes just like chicken from Colonel Sanders!
I like this chunk of ear Evander's.
Now I would like a second bite.
A guy gets hungry in the fight."
"You bit it! Geez! You bit his ear!
Our lust for blood ain't that severe.
You need control inside the ring.
Now there's two Mikeys who'll eat anything!
One bite is fine, but two's too much.
You make us want to toss up lunch.
We shelled out big for Pay-per-view
To watch a fight, not have to spew.
You'll be fined three million smackers.
And have to refund all your backers.
They paid to see you beat him bloody.
Not bite his ears. That's yucky, buddy.
Why did you bite him? What's the scoop?
Why to gnawing did you stoop?"
"It was anger! I saw red!
When he butted on my head!
Things just happen in the rings.
When boxers snap, they do weird things."
"We don't buy it. You're being gory!
We must know all! The whole damn story!"
"OK, OK. You've earned the right.
You paid fifty bucks to watch the fight.
Why did I bite him? Here's the tale --
I got a taste for it in jail."
"Wow. What a story. Now tell us, Mike,
What your future plans are like."
"I think I'll sell off all the rights
To market various merchandise.
We'll sell action figures! What a trip!
Like "Iron Mike" with"Kung Chew"grip."
"So you bit him on the ear.
That's all we'll hear about, I fear,
until some other news breaks clear
And pushes biting to the rear.
I guess we like it when we see
People biting on TV.
We only have ourselves to blame
for watching such a bloody game."
Would YOU decline his ear to bite
If you got paid 30 mil per fight?
Let me! I'd bite it in the ring!
I'd bite it off! I'd eat the thing!
I'd swallow it with Gatorade --
For one tenth of what poor Mike got paid.
Something Christmassy
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they are told that they must present something "Christmassy." in order to get in.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family's Christmas tree. He is let it. The second man presents a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier in that night. So he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" To which he replies, "Oh, They're Carol's."
Dr. Suess Purity Test
Have you done it on a boat?
Have you done it with a goat?
Have you done it in a bed?
Have you done it with the dead?
Have you done it in the ass?
Have you done it, high on grass?
Have you done it in the car?
Have you simply gone too far?
Have you done it on the beach?
Have you done it with the teach?
Have you done it on your back?
Have you done it strapped to a rack?
Have you done it in a box?
Have you done it with a fox?
Have you done it in a tree?
Have you done it with more than three?
Have you done it in the rain?
Have you done it for the pain?
Have you done it 'tween the tits?
Have you done it wearing mitts?
Have you done it packed in rubber?
Have you done it undercover?
Have you done it on a perch?
Have you done it in a church?
Have you done it with a virgin?
Have you done it with a sturgeon?
Have you done it with ropes and chains?
Have you done it while insane?
Have you done it on the stage?
Have you done it underage?
Have you done it with all your friends?
Have you done it in both ends?
Have you done it with your dog?
Have you done it on a log?
Have you done it under clamps?
Have you done it with the lamps?
Have you done it without style?
Have you done it on the bathroom tile?
Have you done it for all to see?
Have you ever had VD?
Have you done it on Mother's couch?
Have you done it in your mouth?
Have you done it while on tape?
Have you done it out of shape?
Have you done it on live TV?
Have you done it whilst you pee?
Have you done it in the gym?
Have you done it on a whim?
Have you done it on a dare?
Do you really think we care?
Answer these and count your "no"s,
Pray this number never grows;
Fifty questions we asked thee,
Score times two is your Purity.
Hints on preparation of the Thanksgiving Feast!
HOLIDAY RECIPE:
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of Scotch
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of Scotch
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more Scotch's of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 Scotch's of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Scotch another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of Scotchey
Step 13: Bake the Scotch for 4 hours
Step 14: Pour another Scotch of glassey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of Botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out
A Marv Albert Christmas!
(To the tune of Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland)
Lacy things - the girlfriend's missin',
Didn't ask - her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes , Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' round in women's underwear.
In the store - there's a teddy,
Little straps - like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight, Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' round in women's underwear.
In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He'll say, "Are you ready?" We'll say,"Whoa, Man!"
"Let's wait until our women are out of town!"
Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress - like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade, And join the parade,
Walkin' round in women's underwear!
Lacy things - the girlfriend's missin',
Didn't ask - her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes, Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' round in women's underwear,
Walkin' round in women's underwear,
Walkin' round in women's underwear!