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New College Courses For Women and Men

COURSES FOR WOMEN

101. Avoiding Walking in Front of the TV
102. Doing Housework Without Complaining
103. Shopping: Buying What You Can Afford, Not What You Can Charge
104. Going to The Washroom Alone (formerly Coping Without My Friends)
105. Understanding the Male Response to "Do I Look OK?"
106. Exercise: How it Keeps You from Looking Like Your Mother
107. Sex: Learning How to Initiate
108. How to Apologize When You Are Obviously Wrong
109. Understanding the Male Response to "Am I Fat?"
110. Dishwashers: Rinsing Before Is Not a Must
111. The Toilet Seat: I Can Learn to Put It Down Too
112. Sex Thesaurus: Alternatives to "Make Love"
113. "The Weekend" and "Long Boring Walks" Are Not Synonymous
114. How to Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Embarrass Him
115. The Remote Control: Don't Touch What You Can't Handle
116. You Too Can Be the One to Hang Up the Phone
117. Honest, You Don't Look Like Kim Bassinger - But You're Acceptable
118. Hairspray: The Effects On The Ecosystem (formerly One Can Is Enough)
119. Runs In Your Nylons? It's Not the End of the World
120. Fishing: Being Able to Bait Your Own Hook
121. Sex: More Than Just Lying There
122. Learning to Choose What to Wear In Less Than Four Hours
123. Vacations: Doing Without 4 Suitcases
124. Makeup: The Less is More Theory
125. Nagging: Stop the Insanity!

COURSES FOR MEN

Class size will be limited to 18 as material may prove to be difficult.
101 Combating Stupidity
102 You Too Can Do Housework
103 P.M.S. - Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
104 How To Fill An Ice Cube Tray
105 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas - Give Us Money
106 Understanding the Female Response To You Coming In Drunk At 4 AM
107 Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly Called "Don't Wash My Silks")
108 Parenting - No, It Doesn't End With Conception
109 Get a Life - Learn How To Cook
110 How Not To Act Like a Butthead When You Are Obviously Wrong
111 Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
112 Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
113 You - The Weaker Sex
114 Reasons To Give Flowers
115 How To Stay Awake After Sex
116 Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere But the Bathroom
117 Garbage - Getting It To the Curb
118 SEX
118A - You Can Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try
118B - The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake, Take a Shower
119 The Weekend and Sports Are Not Synonymous
120 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
121 How To Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Get Lost
122 The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
123 Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes
124 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
125 You Too Can Be a Designated Driver
126 Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked
127 Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works
128 The Attainable Goal - Omitting %@#*! From Your Vocabulary
129 Fluffing the Blankets After Farting is NOT Necessary
130 Real Men Ask For Directions
131 How To Take Illness Like a Man
If sufficient interest is shown and qualified instructors can be found, the course offerings may be expanded.

Adam and Eve

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy"
"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman', Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.
"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"
The rest, as they say, is history.

New Basic Elements...

2 New Elements for the periodic chart:

Element: WOMEN

Symbol: Wo

Atomic Weight: 120 (more or less, usually more)

Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen. Ages rapidly.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

============================================

Element: MAN

Symbol: XY

Atomic Weight: 180+/-100

Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature but gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young fresh samples.

Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get

Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes

explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for prolonged period of time.

Pretty basic. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Menspeak

"I'm going fishing." Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car." Really means....
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver." Really means....
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means....
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing." Really means....
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means....
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean....
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea." Really means....
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?" Really means....
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me." Really means....
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain." Really means....
"I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means....
"The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done." Really means....
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late." Really means....
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics." Really means....
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to." Really means....
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means....
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means....
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." Really means....
"Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me." Really means....
"You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie." Really means....
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work." Really means....
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?" Really means....
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother." Really means....
"I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means....
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means....
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game." Really means....
"Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means....
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house." Really means....
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means....
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Really means....
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Really means....
"What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?" Really means....
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists." Really means....
"She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping." Really means....
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car." Really means....
"You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys." Really means....
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you." Really means....
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means....
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific." Really means....
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present." Really means....
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you." Really means....
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means....
"No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework." Really means....
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means....
"I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle." Really means....
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means....
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night." Really means....
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer." Really means....
"It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means....
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later." Really means....
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I broke up with her." Really means....
"She dumped me."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." Really means....
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

Plane Crash

As an airplane is about to crash a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman"?

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."

Profound Statement:

If a man talks in a forest,
with no woman near to hear him,
is he still wrong?

25 More Rules Women Should Know About Men:

1. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J.Crew or the local Patagonia store.
4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
5. Butthead is the smart one.
6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and pickingoutthe beer.
11. Socks never constitute a gift.
12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
13. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
14. We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
17. Curly is the bald one.
18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that. 20. Its in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.
21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hillary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation are not.
23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
24. No, you can't have the remote control.
25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.

***SCIENCE NEWSFLASH***

Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

WomanSpeak

Womanspeak <=> English
---------------------------------------------
* You want <=> You want
* We need <=> I want
* It's your decision <=> The correct decision should be obvious by now
* Do what you want <=> You'll pay for this later
* We need to talk <=> I need to complain
* Sure... go ahead <=> I don't want you to.
* I'm hungry <=> (a) Make me something to eat. (b) Stop what you are doing, scrape together your last $5, and go drive across town and get me something to eat. -- I don't care if what you are doing is important.
* I'm not upset <=> Of course I'm upset, you moron.
* You're ... so manly <=> You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
* You're certainly attentive tonight.<=> Is sex all you ever think about?
* I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!<=> I'm on my period.
* Be romantic, turn out the lights.<=> I have flabby thighs.
* This kitchen is so inconvenient <=> I want a new house.
* The car is empty <=> Go fill it up
* The trash is full <=> Take it out
* The dog is barking <=> Go outside in your underwear and see what is wrong
* I want new curtains <=> and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
* I need wedding shoes <=> the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
* Hang the picture there<=> NO, I mean hang it there!
* I heard a noise <=> I noticed you were almost asleep.
* Do you love me? <=> I'm going to ask for something expensive.
* How much do you love me?<=> I did something today you're really not going to like.
* I'll be ready in a minute.<=> Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
* Is my butt fat? <=> Tell me I'm beautiful.
* You have to learn to communicate. <=> Just agree with me.
* Are you listening to me!? <=> Too late, your dead.
* It's all right, dear. <=> You'll pay for this.
* Yes <=> No
* No <=> No
* Maybe <=> No
* I'm sorry. <=> You'll be sorry.
* Do you like this recipe? <=> It's easy to fix, so you'd better get use to it.
* Was that the baby ? <=> Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
* I'm not yelling ! <=> Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
* All we're going to buy is a soap dish <=> It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGIOD there's a sale in lingerie, and wouldn't these pink sheets look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

What Girls Say and Mean

______________________________________________________
What girls say .....................................What they mean
______________________________________________________

Can't we just be friends? ..................There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.
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I just need some space. .....................without you in it
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Can you help me with my homework .......If I keep whining, the fool will do it for me
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Do I look fat in this dress? .............We haven't had a fight in a while.
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No, pizza's fine. ........................you cheep bastard
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I just don't want a boyfriend now ..............I just do not want (you as) a boyfriend
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I don't know; what do you want to do?...........I can't believe that you have nothing planned.
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Come here............................ My puppy does this too
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I like you, but.................. I don't like you
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You never listen................. You never listen
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Were moving to fast..................... I'm not gonna sleep with you untill I find out If this guy in bio has a girlfriend
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I'll be ready in a minute.......................... I AM ready, but I am going make you wait because Iknow you will.
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Oh, no, I will pay for myself............I'm just being nice; there is no way I'm going dutch
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Oh yes! Right there ..................Well near there; I just want to get this over with.
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I'm just going out with the girls............we are gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends
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There's no one else................... I'm doing your brother.
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size dosen't count............. Unless I want an orgasm

What Guys Say and Mean

________________________________________________________________

What guys say ............................What they mean ________________________________________________________________
It is just orange juice................... 3 more shots and she'll have her legs try it around my head
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She's kind of cute.................... I want to bang her till i am blue
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I don't know if I like her ....................She won't blow me.
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I need you ...................My hand is tired
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I had her ..........................I had (wet dreams about)her all week
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I really want to get to know you better................So i can tell my friends about it
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How do I compare with all all your your other boyfriends.............. Is my penis really that small? your other boyfriends.
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Your the only girl I've ever cared about............Your the only girl who hasn't rejected me.
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I want you back .................for tonight anyway
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We've been through so much together ...................If it wasn't for you I would never had lost my virginity
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I miss you so much ................I'm so horney that my roommate is starting to look good
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No i don't want to dance right now............ shit, she'll know that I have a hard-on
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The break up should not start for another 24 hours............I want to have sex a few more times
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I'm different than most guys........... I'm not circumcised

Woman Element

MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET NO. EZ36C-24-36

"WOMAN" A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

Element: Woman Symbol: Wo Discoverer: Adam

Atomic mass:
Accepted as 53.6 kg; may vary from 40-200 kg.
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all urban areas, concentrations noted in and around malls.

Physical properties:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. bitter if used incorrectly
5. Exists naturally in various states: ranges from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure at correct points

Chemical properties:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. may explode spontaneously with no warning and for no reason
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly after saturation in alcohol
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man

Common uses:
1. Highly ornamental, particularly in sports cars
2. Can be a great aid in relaxation
3. Very effective cleaning agent

Tests:
1. Pure specimens turn rosy pink in their natural state
2. Turns green when placed besides a better specimen

Potential hazards:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations provided specimens do not come into direct contact with one another

****WARNING*************WARNING*************WARNING****

PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE PHYSICAL, MENTAL, AND FINANCIAL DAMAGE

Computers Are Male

Top 10 reasons computers are male
=================================
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter

5 More Reasons Computers are Male...

5. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.
4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a network connection.
3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.
2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested so much in the damn machine that they're compelled to remain with an underpowered system.
1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention.

TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE

5. No one but their creator understands their logic.
4. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

WOMEN'S 50 RULES FOR MEN

1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag", "Lardass", and "Bitch" are bad.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed .
15. Her cooking is excellent.
16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17. Dish soap is your friend.
18. Hat does not equal shower, after shave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
22. Two words: clean socks.
23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.
24. Burping is not sexy.
25. You're wrong.
26. You're sorry.
27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
28. Ditto for your discourse on football.
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like atthat particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11 pm.
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
42. Think boxers.
43. Silk boxers.
44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
46. Her haircut is never bad.
47. Don't let your friends pick on her.
48. Call.
49. Don't lie.
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything.

WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE
by Matt Groening (the creator of "The Simpsons")

HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: and when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants,empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".

Men are like....

1. Men are like department stores....
their clothes should always be half off.

2. Men are like vacations....
they never seem to be long enough.

3. Men are like computers....
hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

4. Men are like coolers...
load them with beer and you can take them anywhere

5. Men are like chocolate bars....
sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like coffee....
the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

7. Men are like horoscopes....
they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

8. Men are like plungers...
they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

9. Men are like cement....
after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

10. Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the shit out of you

11. Q: Why did God create man?
A: Because vibrators don't mow lawns

12. Q: What are two reasons men don't mind their own business?
A: No mind-No business

13. Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: The good ones are taken and what's left is handicapped

14. Q: Why is it hard for a women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends

15. Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last

16. Q: Why are men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they don't hump women's legs at cocktail parties

17. Q: Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A: Because they're all pigs

Facts About Men

So you women want to bash men? Well at least try to understand us. Here I have prepared an answer list to most of your complaints about us.
Q:Why are men such jerks?
A:It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning.
Q:Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)?
A:Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.
Q:Why do men always have to ogle at other women?
A:Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.
Q:Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
A:We occasionally need to adjust our little ... friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
Q:Why do men always say such stupid things?
A:We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
Q:Why are men so uncommunicative?
A:You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.
Q:Why do men have to act like such retards?
A:Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it.It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.
Q:Why can't men just share their feelings?
A:Do we look like women to you?
Q: Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different?
A:How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or being on fire, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
Q:Why can't men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)?
A:Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam...Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeast... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.
Q:Why can't men just say "I love you?"
A:Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.
Q:Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me?
A:Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.
Q:What does it mean when men say "I Love You?"
A: 1. Please sleep with me. 2. I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did. 3. I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do. 4. Huh? I'm sorry; I wasn't listening. 5. What did I forget? This should buy me a little time. 6. Stop nagging me. 7. What do I have to do to get a beer around here?
Q:Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?
A:We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.
Q:Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?
A:Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.
Q:What's with all the belching and farting?
A:This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.
Q:Why do men hate shopping?
A:It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? err... Buying?
Q:Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down?
A:Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is a function of the time spent peeing over the time spent sitting. The closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the proposition. Besides, it's actually a courtesy that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all over the seat. You're the ones that have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually lift the darn thing. We aim to please.
Q:Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?
A: :) Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and doing exciting things. They don't walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a hard time for being a dumb male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they don't get). We just have to pry their feet off the floor once in awhile when they spill their nail glue. What more could any of us males ask for?
Q:Why do men act like they own the remote control?
A:What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine tenths of the law. Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote control is to arm wrestle for it.
Q:Why can't men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds?
A:Are you kidding? What if there is something good on the next channel? We could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (See also: Why do men fear commitment?)
Q:Why do men fear commitment?
A:Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what commitment means and can spell it correctly. It's like an automobile. No matter how good you think this year's model is, they're always coming out with newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be expected to purchase the first one we see. We must browse around a bit and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon? At least with a car, there's a slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic. It simply makes much more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger.err... I mean newer models every couple of years. Some of them come with fun extras like dual air bags. What does it mean when men say, "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now" or "I don't want a girl friend?" It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so that we want to see you repeatedly.
Q:What does it mean when men say, "Can we just be friends?"
A:Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide adequate protection.
Q:Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?
A:As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are so obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up,some people are always going to be left out. I don't see anyone screaming about equal treatment for the stupid people either.
Q:Why do men like younger women?
A:Well, let's see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they're easily impressed. They're also perky, energetic, and come with very little baggage. And gravity has less prevail over their bodies.
Q:Why do men only have one thing on their minds?
A:While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may only be able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of lots of other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get hungry quite often.
Q:How can men possibly find that other woman attractive (i.e.whatever do you see in that fat pig)?
A:Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that you are ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you lose a few attractiveness points. I'm a bit puzzled by this one myself. I think evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent bystanders in the war of the selfish genes. You should love us despite our inherent weakness. Q:Why are men such dogs?
A:I resent that. Dogs are faithful... loyal... affectionate... and obedient...

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME

Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, dig, floralize, feed, laminate, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, bark, purr, hug, baste, marinate, coddle, excite, pacify, tattoo, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, tunnel, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, ululate, trust, dip, twirl, dive, grovel, ignore, defend, milk, coax, clothe, straddle, melt, brag, acquiesce, aromate, prevail, super collide, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, reddi-whip, embrace, delouse, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, mosh, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, hold her hair while she's puking in the toilet, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, do a nickel in Attica for, dream of, promise, exceed, deliver, tease, flirt, enlist, torch, pine, wheedle, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, hezbollah, jihad, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her to Funkytown, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME

Show up.

She/He Vocab

wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n.
female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
male: Food, sex and beer.

Thingy (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

Lesbian (lez-bi-an) n.
female: A woman who makes love to other women.
male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch and get really turned on.

Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n.
female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.

Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing ball without a cup.

Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

Butt (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: The organ of mooning (and farting).

Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.

Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of enterainment, self-expression and male bonding.

Making love (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.

Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.

Taste (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.