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Cannibal Jokes

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other,"Does this taste funny to you?"
That reminds me of the cannibal that passed his friend in the woods.
-When do cannibals leave the table? When everyone's eaten.
-What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show? A celebrity roast.
-What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner? The cold shoulder.
-What is a cannibal's favorite game? Swallow the leader.
-Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? He ordered a pizza with everybody on it.
-Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school for buttering up his teacher?
-Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.
-Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says, "Gee, I hate my mother-in-law." The 2nd replies, "So, try the potatoes.
-A man gets captured by cannibals and every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, "You can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks."

Bumper Stickers

All generalizations are false
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once
I love cats... they taste just like chicken
Out of my mind... Back in five minutes
Seen on an old, beat up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle"
Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons
Born Free... Taxed to Death
Cover me... I'm changing lanes
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot
Conserve toilet paper, use both sides
REHAB is for quitters
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep
All men are Idiots and I married their King!
E. coli happens
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician
SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car
Tow-ers will be violated
Work is for people who don't know how to fish
Sex is a misdemeanor... the more I miss it, the meaner I get!!
Montana... at least our cows are sane!
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegatarian
Don't blame me... I'm from Uranus
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!!
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you
If you don't like the news, go out and make some
I Brake for No Apparent Reason
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS
Sorry, I don't date outside my species
Nobody's ugly after 2 am!
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked
Wink, I'll do the rest!
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges!
I took an IQ test and the results were negative
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!
Learn from your parents' mistakes... Use birth control!
Tell me to "Stuff it!"- I'm a taxidermist
Time is the best teacher... Unfortunately, it kills all its students!
Which came first? The woman or the department store?
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill
Pride is what WE have. Vanity is what OTHERS have
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory
Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
I'm not as think as you drunk I am
First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering
Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds... we pick up the worms"
Save Water: Take a shower with your neighbor's daughter!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else
He who laughs last thinks slowest
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes
i souport publik edekasion
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette!
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder!
Three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Ever stop to think... and forget to start again?
Auntie Em: Hate you! Hate Kansas! Taking the dog! -Dorothy
I is a college student
Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off
Lead me not into temptation... I can find it myself
Eschew obfuscation (avoid making anything difficult to understand)
I'm out of bed and dressed!... What more do you want?
I love animals--they taste great.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
Assassins do it from behind.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
We have enough youth--how about a fountain of SMART?
All generalizations are false, including this one.
"Criminal lawyer" is a redundancy.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
If you are psychic--think "HONK."

Nasty Jokes

*What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs.
*What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes
*Life sucks, I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like.
*A truck carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus over-turned on the highway. The local newspaper reported that the onlookers were "stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered, and dumfounded."
*One sperm says to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?" The other one says, "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."
*What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a minute.
*What is the definition of "making love"? Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
*A midget sidles up to a tall blonde and says, "Hey, what do you say to a little fuck?"
She says, "Hello, you little fuck."
*How are women and rocks alike? You skip the flat ones.
*Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
*Did you hear about the blind skunk? Fucked a piece of shit.
*How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
*How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same but you get the remote.
*What's the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.? It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.
*How do we know God is a man? Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.
*What would you call a lesbian with thick fingers? Well-hung.
*What's another term for lesbian? "Vagitarian."
*Charlie marries a virgin, and it's their wedding night. He's on fire. He gets naked, jumps into bed, and then starts groping her as soon as she climbs in. She says, "Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table." He sits up, folds his hands on his lap, and says, "Is that better?" She says, "Much better." He says, "Okay. Now will you please pass the pussy."
*Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair? Because if they pulled them around by their feet, they'd fill up with mud.
*If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? The swallow.
*I saw a bumper sticker on a pickup truck the other day that read, "Jesus is my best friend." Boy, the guy's dog must be pissed.
*What happened to the Polish rocket ship? At 500 feet it ran out of coal.
*What's the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's mouth? Einstein's cock.
*What does a Polish woman do after she sucks a cock? Spits out the feathers.
*What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme.

Ways to reject pick-up lines

1.) Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

2.) Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

3.) Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants." Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."

4.) The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused: Man: "Want to Dance?" Woman: "No, thank you." Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."

5.) Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

6.) Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "Female impersonator."

7.) And here's one including the correct snappy return Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized, screw off!"

8.) A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first two-thirds of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

9.) A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at?" My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."

10.) While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once... When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded, "Yea! Let's pick up some chicks!" He immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.

11.) "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

40 politically correct ways to say someone is stupid:

A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in artificial stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
I wonder how many angels could dance on his head?
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.
Not the sharpest pencil in the box.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

The Top 15 Signs Your TV Weatherperson Needs a Vacation

15> Habitually refers to outlying rural communities as "East B.F. Egypt, if you know what I mean."
14> "3D Doppler Radar" replaced by "3D Virtual Valerie."
13> "Today's forecast: crap. But the Canary Islands have great weather in the spring -- let's go to that map."
12> Last night's report included "A turgid, pulsating jet stream penetrating deep into a warm, moist, aching heartland."
11> "Well, this cold front will be moving right along... AS SOON AS MY EX-WIFE LEAVES TOWN!"
10> Standard weather map replaced by a Risk board with fighter planes and tanks, and he spends the entire segment making explosion and machine gun noises.
9> "I predict a giant fire right here, on my mother-in-law's condo."
8> Illustrates forthcoming snowstorm by shaking his dandruff over the East Coast.
7> "We got a twister rippin' up Texas, an' it's a mean sumbitch! Evacuate the trailer parks! Houston, you have a problem!"
6> Prefaces all reports with "And in another act of a Vengeful God..."
5> Current weather report consists of "Look out the friggin' window, ya lazy bastards."
4> Keeps hurling lightning bolts at the rest of the news team.
3> It looks like he's had a "brief downpour" in his pants again.
2> Starts doing "shout-outs" to his "fly-girls" in various microclimate locales.
1> "Live WeatherCam" really just video highlights of his recent colonoscopy.

CONFUCIUS SAY:
1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.
2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
4. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
5. Passionate kiss like spider web--lead to undoing of fly.
6. Man with holes in pants pockets, feels cocky all day.
7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
8. Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone.
9. Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
11. Baseball all wrong--man with four balls can't walk.
12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
14. Man with penis in peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.
15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
18. When lady say no, she mean maybe,When lady say maybe, she mean yes, When lady say yes--she no lady!

Confuscius also say:

Man who go to bed with question of sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.
Confucius say, man who stand on toilet high on pot.
Confucius say, man who eat crackers in bed wake up feeling crummy!
Confucius say, man with hand in pocket all day not crazy, just feeling nuts.
Confucius say, he who sleep in bed of nails is holy.
Confucius say, do not drink and park, accidents cause people!
Confucius say, man who put pea in soup is very unclean.
Confucius say, squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
Confucius say, man who has money to burn makes an ash of himself.
Confucius say, man who fishes in another woman's well, often catches crab.

BUMPER STICKERS II

Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.

Laws of Nature

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Male and Female Flies

A male fly spots a rather attractive female fly sitting on a cow patty in a field. He swoops down casually and lands next to a suitable patty.

'Excuse me madam', he utters. 'Is this stool taken ?'