Golf

Desert Island

A guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says. She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket in her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in here!"

Golf Confession

This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language.
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.

Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.
The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."

The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"

The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in it's sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!!!"

Golfing Rabbis

Two rabbis were golfing last week and the younger rabbi was having a bad day. On the second hole he missed a three foot putt and said some rather bad words. The older rabbi corrected him and reminded him of he would incur the wrath of God for his bad language. On the next hole the younger man sliced his drive off into the woods and once again let loose with some colorful metaphors. The older and wiser rabbi once again scolded him.

But then the older rabbi duffed a five iron into the lake and his patience, too, ran out and he hollered a few choice oaths. Just then a dark cloud formed overhead and a bolt of lightning came down and hit the caddie. A booming voice came from above, "Damn it!"

Physical Therapist

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain". "Please allow me to help, I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!", she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin. After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?" The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good...but my thumb still hurts like hell!!

Wife Slices

Mack, the golfer, wakes up in the emergency room with a doctor standing over him asking what had happened.

"Well, I was playing golf with my wife. I'd been having a great game but unfortunately she wasn't. On the 15th tee I hit a beautiful shot, 270 yards straight down the fairway. My wife steps up and hits a tremendous slice that leaves the course and lands in the pasture out of bounds. We both went looking for the ball and just as we were about to give up I spotted a glint of white coming from a cow's behind, just under its tail. I lifted the tail to make sure and then called to my wife saying 'Here, honey, this looks like yours'. That's the last thing I remember."

Hearse Near Green

It's a nice hot summers day and two men are playing golf on a course that is situated near a main road. As he is just about to tee off on the 10th hole one of the men notices a hearse driving slowly along the road. He stops in mid swing and places his club on the ground, turns round, faces the road and removes his hat in a solemn gesture. The second man turns round to him and says...

M2: "Come off it, it's only a hearse."
M1: "But you don't understand, its my wife's funeral..."

Golfer Drowns Self

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake." The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

Vicars Golfing

Vicar George and Vicar Henry were out for a game of golf one day. On the first green, having missed a two foot putt, George screamed aloud, "Fuck it, I missed!". This really caught Vicar Henry by surprise but he decided to say nothing.

So, along the game went and on the third green Vicar George missed another simple putt. To Henry's surprise again, George shouted, "Fuck it, I missed!". Henry decided to calm George down a little and told him that the Lord would strike him down for using such foul language.

Anyway, both vicars played on, and George was able to control his temper until the final green where he missed yet another two-footer to win the match. Uncontrollably, the same, foul words came from his mouth, and in a flash, lightening came down from above, struck Vicar Henry, and killed him instantly. Suddenly, Vicar George heard a big booming voice from above, sounding the words: "Fuck it, I missed!".

Religious Golf

Jesus and Moses were playing golf and Jesus had a pretty bad shot over a water hazard onto the green. Moses told Jesus to use a 4 iron and Jesus said that if the world's most famous golfer, Jack Nicholas, can succeed using a 3 iron than he can use a 3 iron as well.

Again, Jesus hit the ball with the 3 iron and the ball fell right in the water - a horrible situation for a golfer.

He asked Moses to go get his ball so Moses went and parted the water and got the ball. He then asked Jesus if he now was going to you use a 4 iron.

He argued again if Jack Nicholas can use a 3 iron he can use a 3 iron and he proceeded to hit his ball in the water again, and again he asked Moses to get his ball.

Moses said if he hit his ball in the water one more time, than he would have to get the ball himself from the water.

"So, will you use the 4 iron now, asked Moses"

Jesus repeated again "If Jack Nicholas can use a 3 iron... and he proceeded to plop the ball directly into the water - AGAIN.

Jesus didn't bother asking Moses again to help out, so he went out himself to get his ball. At the same time, a man walked by and saw him walking on the water and asked Moses. Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"

"No", replied Moses, "Jack Nicholas."