LinkExchange Member
YOU HAVE BEEN ONLINE....
1.) You have been online for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay online? Please respond
within 10 min. or you will be logged off.
2.) You have been online for 92 minutes. Do you still want to stay online? Please respond
within 10 min. or you will be logged off.
3.) You have been online for 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you, but there are
other people in the world who would like to sign on.
4.) You DO realize that you have been online for 184 minutes, right? When was the last
time you went outside?
5.) Ok, this is getting ridiculous. You have been online for 240 minutes. Frankly, you are
starting to piss us off. If you sign off now, we will bring back your buddy list, ok?
6.) You have now been online for 360 minutes. We promised you unlimited time, we know, but
can't you just finish up NOW and go read a good book?
7.) You have been online for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members' names?
8.) You have been online for 513 minutes. Your spouse has left you and your dog is
starving. Do you wish to remain online?
9.) You have been online for 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming over personally to kick
your ass.
10.) You have been online 852 minutes. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY HOURS THAT IS?
11.) You have been online for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints
per hour about busy phone lines? This is because of YOU, you loser! Now log off and go to
bed!!
12.) You have been online for 1000 minutes. When AOL went unlimited, we didn't think you
would take it literally, Now hang up before we go broke........!!!!
YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN ONLINE TOO LONG IF:
1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.
2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL" out loud.
3. You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile.
4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other.
5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".
6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
7. If you are male and see a female in the "Real" world that you wish to meet,
your first thought is to IM her.
8. If you are female and you see a male in the "Real" world that you wish to
meet, your first thought is that you wish he'd IM you.
9. You don't understand the humor in the above mentioned #7 and #8 since the
"real" world is at your fingertips.
10. You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.
11. When you have sex, you no longer are concerned about sexually transmitted diseases.
12. You walk into a room, and, finding that it has more than 23 people, you inform
management that there is an error.
13. When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "yelling" at you.
14. You go up to people you are attracted to "in real life" and ask them for
their GIF.
15. Although you don't know what they look like, you become insanely jealous of people
hitting on your cyber-love.
16. You don't even know what your cyber-love looks like.
17. When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the word i should be capitalized.
18. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
19. Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your sleep instead of talking.
20. Your kids are eating cereal morning, noon, and night.
21. When someone says, "What did you say?" you reply, "Scroll up!"
22. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your
spouse is asleep.
23. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know you're on-line
again.
24. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do your own spouse's.
25. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they complain
that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.
26. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.
27. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than
the truth (online all night).
28. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own profile to see
who you are.
29. You go into labor and you stop to type a special E-mail to let everyone know you're
going to be away and how you're feeling.
30. You marry your cyberboyfriend/girlfriend and you both sit at your own computers &
chat to each other every night from across the room.
31. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.
32. You understand the humor in all of these jokes because you have committed then
yourself!
33. Your dog leaves you.
34. You are doing things more and more that you swore you would never do when you first
got online.
35. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on their buddy list.
36. You have a map on the wall w/ LOTS of red thumbtacks to mark where people are you have
met.
37. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore button handy.
38. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer. 3
9. Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting and you think, "Uh
oh, cyber sex perv".
40. You go thru "withdrawal" if you are away from the computer for more than a
few hours.
41. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.
42. You understand what BIF ISO BIM means. (I wonder how many will get this one...If so,
you've been hanging out in *strange* places).
43. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you have
your first cup of coffee.
44. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.
45. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's welcome screen.
46. You wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to come home from
work.
47. You don't know where the time has gone.
48. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by hand.
49. Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had.
50. You get up at 2 am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead.
51. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.
52. You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/ {{hugs}} or **kisses**.
53. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.
54. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n & I will
TTYL".
55. You type faster than you think.
56. You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now undergoing therapy in
private rooms instead of at his office.
57. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa.
58. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.
59. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV
screen at the end of a movie.
60. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes and fingers, you
would have been classified as a vegetable!"
61. You dream in "text".
62. Being called a Newbie is a "MAJOR" insult.
63. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you're really bored.
64. You don't want to leave in case you miss something.
65. You double click your TV remote.
66. You can now type over 70 wpm.
67. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.
68. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else & say
"BRB" or "BBL".
69. You check your E-mail and forget you have real mail (a.k.a. snail mail).
70. You go into withdrawals during dinner.
71. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room.
72. You stop speaking in full sentences.
73. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended up "giving"
tech support to other AOLers.
74. You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life".
75. Your last sexual experience was really just a "textual" experience. 76. You
know what a "snert" is.
77. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to "check
your mail" & while there you "just wanted to see who was online".
78. You meet people from AOL in public & you have no idea what their real name is, so
you call them by their screen name.
79. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-face.
80. When seeing someone you wish to meet, your second thought is wishing they'd be on AOL
so you don't have to meet them in person.
81. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.
82. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.
83. You have met over 100 AOLers.
84. When meeting a stranger, you ask for their profile. If they have a profile you ask
them for an age/sex/location check.
85. You understand the humor in all of this.
86. You keep telling yourself to Get a Life.
87. When someone online says BRB, gotta go pee, you ask them to go for you, and think they
can.
88. When your boss walks in and gives you your third and final IM warning about being
on-line during office hours.
You know you have a problem when...
--You find yourself typing 'com' after every period when using a word processor.com
--You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug
on a loved one.
--Your start introducing yourself as 'John @ I-I-Net dot com.'
--Your wife drapes a wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
--All of your friends have an @ in their name.
--You and your mother can't communicate -- she doesn't have a modem.
--Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
--You laugh at people with 14,400 modems.
--You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
--You refer to going to the bathroom as [downloading].
--You tell the cab driver you live at the following address:
http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
--Your spouse makes a new rule: 'The computer cannot come to bed.'
--You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer
with a commode.
--You start tilting your head sideways to smile :-)
--You turn on your computer and turn off your spouse.
--Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage, so you buy another computer
and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
Seattle Directions
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer."
You know you're addicted to the net when...
You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher."
You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one
You laugh at people with 14000-baud modems.
The last girl you picked up was a JPEG.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
If People Bought Cars the Way They Buy Computers...
Helpline: General Motors Help Line. How can I help you?
Customer: I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened.
Helpline: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?
Customer: What's an ignition?
Helpline: It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the
engine.
Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of those technical
terms just to use my car?
Helpline: General Motors Help Line. How can I help you?
Customer: My car ran fine for a week but now it won't go anywhere!
Helpline: Is the gas tank empty?
Customer: Huh? How do I know?
Helpline: There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle and markings from 'E'
to 'F'. Where's the needle pointing?
Customer: It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?
Helpline: It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline.
You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you.
Customer: What! I paid $12,000 for this car. Now you tell me that I have to keep buying
more components? I wanted a car with everything built in!
Helpline: General Motors Help Line. How can I help you?
Customer: Your cars suck!
Helpline: What's wrong?
Customer: It crashed, that's what's wrong.
Helpline: What were you doing?
Customer: I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal to the floor. It worked
for a while, but then it crashed. Now it won't start!
Helpline: It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do
about it?
Customer: I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn't crash anymore.
Helpline: General Motors Help Line. How can I help you?
Customer: Hi, I just bought my first car and I chose your car because it has automatic
transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes and power door locks.
Helpline: Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?
Customer: How do I work it?
Helpline: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: Do I know to what?
Helpline: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: I'm not a technical person, I just want to go places.
Abe, Isaac, and Computers
Abraham was trying to load WINDOWS 95 onto his old 286 computer.
Isaac said: "But Dad, you don't have enough memory."
Abraham said: "Be patient my son, God will provide the RAM."
NEWLY DISCOVERED COMPUTER VIRUSES
Here's a list of the new viruses you should watch out for:
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T VIRUS
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an
"electronic microorganism."
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS
Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a
file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS
It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
TED TURNER VIRUS
Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically
nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS
The computer locks up, screens splits erratically with a message appearing on each half
blaming the other side for the problem.
AIRLINE VIRUS
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
PBS VIRUS
Your computer stop every few minutes to ask for money.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS
Your programs can never be found again.
STAR TREK VIRUS
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
OJ VIRUS
It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to
find the virus that did it.
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE NOT SPENDING
ENOUGH TIME ON INTERNET CHAT
10. You've never used the pickup line, "What's your URL?"
9. You don't need carpal tunnel surgery yet.
8. Poor spelling annoys you.
7. You've seen the inside of a shower stall at least once in the past 48 hours.
6. You only replaced your worn-out keyboard once last month.
5. Daytime soaps don't challenge you mentally.
4. Your closest friends call you by your name, not your handle.
3. Your favorite singles hangout isn't called #LonelyAdult.
2. You still have the capacity for speech.
1. Your repertoire of emoticons hasn't hit double figures.
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR SPOUSE MAY BE HAVING AN ONLINE AFFAIR:
10. Lately she sits at the computer naked
9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette
8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive
7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up
6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand
5. She makes sarcastic remarks about your "software"
4. Lipstick on the mouse
3. During sex, she screams "A colon backslash enter insert!"
2. The fax file is filled with pictures of someone's butt
And the number one reason. . . . .
1. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear