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Lipstick on the Mirror
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints. Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2 pm. They gathered at 2 pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodianto clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick. That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror!
A Few Good Kegs
(fade in to a stately looking lecture hall, rain is pounding the windows and thunder crashes sporadically)
Professor: ...you, Mr....um...Smyth? Can you tell me what Rousseau was getting at in
the readings?
Student: Well sir, I didn't get quite that far in the--
Prof: Dammit! I'm tired of your excuses. Everyday you walk into this classroom sleepy-eyed
and unprepared. Not once have you come up anything that even remotely resembled an answer.
Stu: You want answers?
Prof: I think I'm entitled to one.
Stu: You want answers?!
Prof: I want the truth!
Stu: You can't handle the truth!! (dramatic pause) Sir, we live in a world that has
parties, and these parties have to beattended by men with cups. Who's gonna do it? You?
You Mr. Teaching Assistant? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom.
You read your little textbooks and you curse the fraternities. You have that luxury; you
have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that my partying, while grotesque and
incomprehensible to you, saves lives. We use words like "keg-stand","
beer-bong", "shotgun." We use these words as the backbone of a life spent
drinking something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time, nor the
inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps underneath the blanket of the
very inebriation that I provide. I'd rather you said thank you and went on your way.
Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a mug, and start to chug. Either way, I don't give a damn
what you think you're entitled to!
Prof: Did you fail to do the work?
Stu: I did my job, I'd do it--
Prof: DID YOU FAIL TO DO THE WORK?
Stu: YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!
12 Minutes
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU. The author was accepted and is now attending NYU.
3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.
I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.
I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
Top Ten Ways the Bible Would Have Been Different If Written by College Students.
10). Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips
9). Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and
written in a large font, they look like ten.
8). Forbidden fruit would have been eaten only because it wasn't dining hall food.
7). Paul's Letters to the Romans become Paul's E-Mail to the Romans.
6). Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
5). The place where the end of the world occurs.... not the Plains of Armageddon, but
Finals.
4). Book of Armaments would be in there somewhere.
3). Reason why Moses and followers wandered in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to
ask directions and look like a Freshman.
2). Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.
1). Instead of creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, God would have
put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no
one noticed.
INSTRUCTIONS: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit is four hours.
HISTORY: Describe the history of the papacy, from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially but not exclusively on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
MEDICINE: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been checked. You have fifteen minutes. If you have no appendix, either kidney may be substituted. Extra credit for both kidneys.
PUBLIC SPEAKING: 2,600 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek. Only universally recognized hand gestures permitted.
MUSIC: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
PSYCHOLOGY: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, George of Nices, Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotes from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
SOCIOLOGY: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
PHYSICS: Derive the universe. You may use the back side of your paper if necessary.
ENGINEERING: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will find an instruction manual, printed in Swahali. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be permitted into the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.
POLITICAL SCIENCE: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.
PHILOSOPHY: Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
ECONOMICS: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the vitamin E controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.
GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.
EXTRA CREDIT: Define the universe. Give three examples.
Chemistry Final
Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so no one would put it past him to come up with something like this.
Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time.
However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:
(95 points) Which tire?
James F. Bonk, Professor of Chemistry, Duke University, Durham, NC
Biology Question
Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, asked during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body which, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define those conditions?"
Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you, my parents will hear of this," and sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct Miss Johnson." said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
MIT certainly has a reputation to be proud of, but its admissions department went a little over-board, I think. The first letter is an honest-to-goodness mailing from MIT, the second is one prospective student's reply:
April 18, 1994
Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567
Dear John:
You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be.
But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.
The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention!
Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing.
What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here is tough and demanding, but it's also fun. MIT students are imaginative and creative - inside and outside the classroom.
You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams - 39 - than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate.
You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises for you there, too.
Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution? Why not do it right now?
Sincerely,
Michael C. Benhke Director of Admissions
P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "Insight," just check the appropriate box on the form.
May 5, 1994
Michael C. Behnke
MIT Director of Admissions
Office of Admissions, Room 3-108
Cambridge MA 02139-4307
Dear Michael:
You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most universities would be.
But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he will choose only one of the thousands of accredited universities in the country.
The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention!
Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano.
What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I am self-indulgent and over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is funny and amusing - whether you're laughing with him or at him.
You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports - 47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering.
You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got surprises for you there, too.
Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?
Sincerely, John Mongan
P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "John Mongan: What a Guy!" just ask.
YOU MIGHT BE A COLLEGE STUDENT...(YMBACS)
1.If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen, you might be a college student
(ymbacs).
2.If you live in a house with three couches, none of which match, ymbacs
3.If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal, ymbacs
4.If you have ever written a check for 45 cents, ymbacs
5. If you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles, ymbacs
6. If you have ever seen two consecutive sunrises without sleeping, ymbacs
7. If your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic Cups (i.e. Olympic
Dream Team I or II), ymbacs
8. If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads, ymbacs
9. If you cannot remember when you last washed your car, ymbacs
10. If you can pack your worldly possessions into the back of a pick-up (one trip), ymbacs
11. If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural Light, ymbacs
12. If the first thing you do in the morning is roll over and introduce yourself, ymbacs
13. If your bed time is no longer 10:00 PM, but 3:00 AM, ymbacs
14. If you consider Pizza one of the four major food groups, ymbacs.
15. If you consider the other three to be beer, McDonalds, and candy.
16. If you've ever missed a class to watch Ricki Lake, ymbacs.
17. If you've ever sent e-mail to the people you live with, ymbacs.
18. If you refer to your meal card as "plastic", ymbacs.
19. If you've ever spent a good hour searching for your student ID just so you could get
that one dollar off at the movies, ymbacs.
20. If you've ever stayed up all night just so you wouldn't sleep through your morning
class, ymbacs.
21. If you've ever called your roommates, not knowing where you were at and asked them to
come get you, ymbacs..........
22. IF you've ever called home just to talk to your pets, ymbacs....
23. When you work your class schedule around drinking, ymbacs
24. When you watch TV with no volume, while listening to the radio, ymbacs
25. When you can play euchre in any state of mind, ymbacs.
26. When showering doesn't happen on a daily basis. ymbacs.
27. When a blender is your first major appliance, ymbacs.
28. When you're not a dork if you wear your backpack on both shoulders, ymbacs.
29. If you can't find money to buy food but it miraculously appears to buy alcohol, ymbacs
30. When weather begins to be a major factor on your class attendance, ymbacs.
31. When you would rather do e-mail than study for a test, ymbacs
32. When your second major appliance is a coffee maker, ymbacs.
33. When your walls are covered with beer signs, ymbacs.
34. When you have a separate refrigerator for beer, ymbacs.
35. When you spend a majority of your time reading forwarded mail, ymbacs.
The First Realizations That You're Not In College Anymore
--You're waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.
--Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.
--College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up.
--Your parents charge rent.
--Your parents walk in on you having sex, not your roommate.
--The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, pot and cereal.
--It's 'getting late' when it's 9:30 p.m.
--Three words: School Loan Payments.
--You make thousands of dollars a year - and still can't afford that dream Porsche.
--You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively.
--Pickup football games mean that at least one person will be in the hospital by game's
end.
--THEN, discussing with your friends: GPA's, phone rates and tonsil hockey; NOW: IRA's,
Interest rates and their kid's orthodontia.
--Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
--Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.
--Sneakers are now 'weekend shoes'.
--Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
--Your girlfriend being pregnant brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries.
--Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks.
--The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.
--The weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now remembered as a Varsity
dinger for the League Championship.
--You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter and MTV News.
--Random hook-ups are no longer acceptable.
--You wear more ties in a week than you even owned while taking classes.
--You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.
--You empathize with the characters from 'Friends".
--METABOLISM SLOWDOWN Football "season tickets" go FROM $75 for the season with
dozens of friends TO $750 for the season with the three other guys who want to get away
from the family.
--Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.
--You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
--Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.
--When drinking, you say at least once per night, 'I just can't put it down the same as I
used to'.
--You are the only person over the age of 16 in your neighborhood with a Sega.
JUST HOW MANY COLLEGE STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB?
How many Harvard students does it take to change a lightbulb?
*One, he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
How many UC Santa Cruz students does it take to change a lightbulb?
*One, dude.
How many USC students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
*None--Lights are never turned on: makes you an easy of a target for drive by shooters.
How many Fresno State students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
*None--the school is still in the dark ages.
How many San Jose State students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
*One--but it takes him seven years to do it.
How many Cal-Berkeley students does it take to change a lightbulb?
*Seventy-six--one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb's right to not
change, and twenty-five to hold a counter-protest.
How many Memphis St. students does it take to change a lightbulb?
*Two--One to change the bulb and one to complain about how if they were at a better school
the lightbulb wouldn't go out.
How many Chico St. students does it take to change a lightbulb?
*A whole frat--but only one of them is sober enough to get the bulb out of the socket.
How many U. of Texas students does it take to change a lightbulb?
*Seven--One to change the light bulb and six to throw a party because he didn't screw it
in upside down this time.
How many UC Irvine students does it take to change a lightbulb?
*None--Everyone would wait for maintenance to do it as to not take away from their busy
study time.
How many Humboldt St. students does it take to change a lightbulb?
*Three--One to change it and two to figure out how to get high off the old one.
How many Occidental students does it take to change a lightbulb?
*One from every ethnicity, race, gender, background, and culture.
How many UCLA students does it take to change a lightbulb?
*Five--One to change the lightbulb and four to find the perfect J.Crew outfit to wear for
the occasion.
How many Sacramento St. students does it take to change a lightbulb?
*None--Sacramento looks better in the dark.
How many UC Davis students does it take to change a lightbulb?
*None---Davis doesn't have electricity.
How many Mississippi St. students does it take to change a lightbulb?
*One--but he'll only change it if he can put in a white-light bulb.
How many Princeton students does it take to change a lightbulb?
*Two---one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.
How many Brown students does it take to change a lightbulb?
*Eleven---one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience.
How many Cornell students does it take to change a lightbulb?
*Two--One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.
How many Penn students does it take to change a lightbulb?
*Only one, but he gets six credits for it.
How many Reed Students does it take to change a lightbulb?
*The Entire Reed Community (tm) --One to change the bulb and 1200 more to throw a $30,000
party for no reason.
How many MIT students does it take to change a lightbulb?
*Five --one to design a nuclear-powered one that never needs changing, one to figure out
how to power the rest of Boston using that nuked lightbulb,two to install it, and one to
write the computer program that controls the wall switch.
How many Vassar students does it take to change a lightbulb?
*Eleven--One to screw it and ten to support its sexual orientation.
How many Georgetown students does it take to change a lightbulb?
*Four--One to change it, one to call Congress about their progress,and two to throw the
old bulb at American U. students.
How many Williams students does it take to change a lightbulb?
*The whole student body--when you're snowed in, there's nothing else to do.
How many Tufts students does it take to change a lightbulb?
*Two--One to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did it as well as an Ivy
League student.
How many Sarah Lawrence students does it take to change a lightbulb?
*Five--One to change the bulb and four to do an interpretive dance about it.
How many Swarthmore students does it take to change a lightbulb?
*Eight--It's not that one isn't smart enough to do it, it's just that they're all
violently twitching from too much stress.
How many Mount Holyoke students does it take to change a lightbulb?
*One--she calls a Smithie to do it.
How many Boston University students does it take to change a lightbulb?
*Four--One to change the bulb and two to check his math homework.
How many Amherst students does it take to change a lightbulb?
*Thirteen--One to change the bulb and an a capella group to immortalize the event in song.
How many Wesleyan students does it take to change a lightbulb?
*Wesleyan's boycotting GE . . . you know, military-industrial complex and all that.
How many Bowdoin students does it take to change a lightbulb?
*Three--One to ski down to the general store and buy the bulb, one to take the chairlift
back to school, and one to screw it in.
How many Bard students does it take to change a lightbulb?
*One--but she'll only do it if it's an alternative light bulb.
How many Harvard College students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
*One to call physical plant to do it, since the whole campus is too darn apathetic to do
anything besides their homework.
How many Skidmore College students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
*One--and his maid, butler, cook, poolman, and gardener.
Sorority Girl
A sorority girl comes to a young professor during office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do ANYTHING to pass this exam" She leans closer to him, flips her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do anything!"
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything!"
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"
Anonymity In Class
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at a university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.
Half an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.
After two hours, the professor called for the exams and the students filed up and handed them in--all except the late student, who continued writing.
Half an hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry, "Do you know who I am?" "No as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!" the student asked again. "No and I don't care," replied the professor with an air of superiority. "Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
Letter From College
Dear Mom and Dad:
Since I left for college I have been remiss in writing and I am sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down. Okay? Well then, I am getting along pretty well now.
The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival here is pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches once a day. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me in the hospital, and since I have nowhere to live because of the burned-out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning on getting married.
We haven't got the date exactly yet, but it will before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know that you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has a minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him.I know that you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and, although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by that.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I am not infected and there is no boyfriend in my life. However, I am getting a D in Calculus and F in Chemistry and I want you to see those marks in their proper perspective.
Your loving daughter,
Susie
Commencement Speech
From the Chicago Tribune:
Vonnegut? Schmich? Who can tell in cyberspace by Mary Schmich Web-posted: Saturday, August 2, 1997
I am Kurt Vonnegut.
Oh, Kurt Vonnegut may appear to be a brilliant, revered male novelist. I may appear to be a mediocre and virtually unknown female newspaper columnist. We may appear to have nothing in common but unruly hair. But out in the lawless swamp of cyberspace, Mr. Vonnegut and I are one. Out there, where any snake can masquerade as king, both of us are the author of a graduation speech that began with the immortal words, "Wear sunscreen."
I was alerted to my bond with Mr. Vonnegut Friday morning by several callers and e-mail correspondents who reported that the sunscreen speech was rocketing through the cyberswamp, from L.A. to New York to Scotland, in a vast e-mail chain letter.
Friends had e-mailed it to friends, who e-mailed it to more friends, all of whom were told it was the commencement address given to the graduating class at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. The speaker was allegedly Kurt Vonnegut.
Imagine Mr. Vonnegut's surprise. He was not, and never has been, MIT's commencement speaker. Imagine my surprise. I recall composing that little speech one Friday afternoon while high on coffee and M&M's. It appeared in this space on June 1. It included such deep thoughts as "Sing," "Floss," and "Don't mess too much with your hair."
It was not art.
But out in the cyberswamp, truth is whatever you say it is, and my simple thoughts on floss and sunscreen were being passed around as Kurt Vonnegut's eternal wisdom.
Poor man. He didn't deserve to have his reputation sullied in this way.
So I called a Los Angles book reviewer, with whom I'd never spoken, hoping he could help me find Mr. Vonnegut.
"You mean that thing about sunscreen?" he said when I explained the situation. "I got that. It was brilliant. He didn't write that?"
He didn't know how to find Mr. Vonnegut. I tried MIT.
"You wrote that?" said Lisa Damtoft in the news office. She said MIT had received many calls and e-mails on this year's "sunscreen" commencement speech. But not everyone was sure: Who had been the speaker?
The speaker on June 6 was Kofi Annan, secretary general of the United Nations, who did not, as Mr. Vonnegut and I did in our speech, urge his graduates to "dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room." He didn't mention sunscreen.
As I continued my quest for Mr. Vonnegut -- his publisher had taken the afternoon off, his agent didn't answer -- reports of his "sunscreen" speech kept pouring in.
A friend called from Michigan. He'd read my column several weeks ago. Friday morning he received it again -- in an e-mail from his boss. This time it was not an ordinary column by an ordinary columnist. Now it was literature by Kurt Vonnegut.
Fortunately, not everyone who read the speech believed it was Mr. Vonnegut's.
"The voice wasn't quite his," sniffed one doubting contributor to a Vonnegut chat group on the Internet. "It was slightly off -- a little too jokey, a little too cute .. . . a little too `Seinfeld.' "
Hoping to find the source of this prank, I traced one e-mail backward from its last recipient, Hank De Zutter, a professor at Malcolm X College in Chicago. He received it from a relative in New York, who received it from a film producer in New York, who received it from a TV producer in Denver, who received it from his sister, who received it. . . .
I realized the pursuit of culprit zero would be endless. I gave up.
I did, however, finally track down Mr. Vonnegut. He picked up his own phone. He'd heard about the sunscreen speech from his lawyer, from friends, from a women's magazine that wanted to reprint it until he denied he wrote it.
"It was very witty, but it wasn't my wittiness," he generously said.
Reams could be written on the lessons in this episode. Space confines me to two.
One: I should put Kurt Vonnegut's name on my column. It would be like sticking a Calvin Klein label on a pair of K-Mart jeans.
Two: Cyberspace, in Mr. Vonnegut's word, is "spooky."
Here is the alleged speech. . . .
Here is a copy of Kurt Vonnegut's commencement address at MIT.
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Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97:
Wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recallin a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.