In the Bars

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on thebar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth.

The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up.

"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

Bar Exit

I saw the following in the BMW car club magazine.

As related by New York Times writer Lawrence Van Gelder in his "On the Job" column:

A police officer was assigned to stake out the parking lot of a rowdy bar and watch for possible violations of drunk-driving laws. Watching from his car, the cop saw a patron stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, then try to open the doors of a dozen cars before finding his own car and collapsing in the front seat, where he remained immobile. And where he continued to remain immobile as the evening progressed and others left the bar, started up their cars, and drove away.

Finally, with the parking lot all but empty, the patron pulled himself to an upright position, started the car, and attempted to pull out of the lot. Immediately the cop pounced, pulled the motorist from the car, and administered an on-the-spot Breathalyzer test. The result: 0.0 % blood alcohol content. How could that be, the cop asked the motorist. "Simple," the driver said. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

My Brother Is Gay

A guy walks into a bar, slams a twenty down and tells the barman to get him a vodka. The barman serves the drink and enquires about the problem. "I just found out my brother is gay!" says the guy.

"Man, that's tough" says the barman.

Two weeks later the same guy goes into the bar again, and slams another twenty on the bar. The barman again enquires about the problem. "I just found out my father is gay too!" says the guy.

"Wow, you family is fucked up!" says the barman.

Two weeks later, the guy walks into the bar again. Before he has a chance to take out any money, the bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, doesn't anyone in your family like to sleep with women?"

"Yeah", answers the guy, "my wife"...

Mice at Bar

Three mice are sitting in a bar, drunk and telling tales of their great strength. The first mouse says, "I'm so bad, that when I see a mouse trap, I eat the cheese, and as the bar is about to come down on me, I grab it and bench press it 15 times!" Mouse number two says, "You think that's something, whenever I see rat poison, I grab a handful, chew it up and swallow it on down!" Just then, the third mouse gets done with his drink, slams the glass down on the table, and gets up to leave. Mouse number one says, "Where ya going?" The third mouse says, "Home...to fuck the cat."

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK:

--You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
--You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
--Job interfering with your drinking.
--Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
--Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
--The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
--Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
--24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
--Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
--You can focus better with one eye closed.
--The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
--You fall off the floor...
--Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
--Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
--Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
--At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
--Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
--You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
--The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
--You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].
--Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
--Roseanne looks good.
--Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
--That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
--Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
--I'm as jober as a sudge.
--The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
--You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.

Irish in Cemetary

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here", says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87". "That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died".

Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!"

"What was his name?", asks Paddy.

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin"

Drinking Quotes

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. --Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. --William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it. --Anonymous

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink. --G.K. Chesterton

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. --Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol. --Anonymous

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? --W.C. Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder. --Anonymous

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. --His reply

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomaches. --David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking classes. --Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. --Anonymous

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. --Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? ---Anonymous

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven... --Brian O'Rourke

Gay Bar

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but says "What the heck, I really want a drink". When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer "What's the name of your penis?". The customer says "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink". The gay waiter says "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."

So the customer says "all right, what's the name of your penis?". The gay waiter says "NIKE ... you know, JUST DO IT". The customer thinks for a moment and says "The name of my penis is Secret". The waiter says "SECRET?". The customer says "Yeah ... STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!".

O'Malley Men

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course", comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland", replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course", replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin", comes the reply.
"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course", replies the second man.
Curiousity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you goto?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

After 23 Beers

A man walks into a bar the day after he got totally blitzed there.
"Bartender", he said, "don't give me any more of that Rolling Rock. Last night after I left here, I went home and blew CHUNKS!"
"Well, how much did you drink?", asked the bartender. "I lost count after 23."
"Well, what do you expect? Anyone would puke after drinking 23 beers!"
"No, you don't understand", explained the man.......... "Chunks is my dog."

Beer Facts

Some interesting information courtesy of Pete's Wicked Ale:

It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" - or what we know today as the "honeymoon."

Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb."

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."

Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. It's clear from the Mayflower's log that the crew didn't want to waste beer looking for a better site. The log goes on to state that the passengers "were hashed ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have the more beer."

After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.

In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy", a word still in use today.

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle," is the phrase inspired by this practice.

In the middle ages, "nunchion" was the word for liquid lunches. It was a combination of the words "noon scheken," or noon drinking. In those days, a large chunk of bread was called lunch. So if you ate bread with your nunchion, you had what we still today call a luncheon.

Norm Peterson's Famous Quotes (from TV's "Cheers")

"Can I draw you a beer, Norm?"
"No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one."

"How's a beer sound, Norm?"
"I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."

"What's shaking, Norm?"
"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."

"What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?"
"Going Down?"

"What would you say to a beer, Normie?"
"Daddy wuvs you."

"What'd you like, Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"What'll you have, Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."

"What'd you say, Norm?"
"Any cheap, tawdry thing that will get me a beer."

(Coming in from the rain)
"Evening, everybody."
Everybody: "Norm!"
"Still pouring, Norm?"
"That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

Split Irishmen

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness, and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time". The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it at that. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders TWO pints. All the other regular notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss".

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawned in his eye and he laughs. "Oh no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking".

Good reasons for an office on-site bar:
While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some good arguments for changing that policy.

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Reasons for allowing drinking at work include:

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can cure hangovers, from the night before, with another drink.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, breaking wind during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.