Sick Names (say them out loud)
1. Amanda Hugenkiss
2. Anita Dick
3. Ben Dover
4. Jack Mehoff
5. Master Bates
6. Mike Hunt
7. Mike Oxlong
8. Oliver Clozoff
9. Pat McCrotch
10. Phil McCrakin
11. Sharon Peters
12. Homer Sexual
1. What was the most surprising thing about the discovery of the body?
That he was recognized.
2. Why did Sonny die in a ski accident?
After being a mayor and a congressman, he wanted to be a Kennedy.
3. What's the difference between Sonny Bono and Michael Kennedy?
About five days.
4. Police reported it was a quick death. Just like his solo career.
5. The Grim Reaper's Boss: "I said, "the singer Ono," not Bono!
Dang, this is the second time you botched a job on her!"
6. What preceded Sonny Bono's senseless death?
Sonny Bono's senseless life.
7. What was the last thing that went through Sonny Bono's mind?
The 60's.
8. How was the body found?
Sonny side up.
9. What were they singing when they discovered the corpse?
"When Sonny gets blue..."
10. What kind of tribute should Cher perform?
A moment of silence.
11. How do we know Sonny was a politician at heart?
At the very end, he was stumping.
12. How will the priest begin the eulogy?
"We are gathered together on this slalom occasion...."
13. We are all mortal. And in the end, Sonny was just ski and bones.
14. New England scientists have been stumped. This is the only occurance they can document of the sap running into the tree.
STARR I ARE
"a newly discovered tale of Dr. Seuss"
I'm here to ask
As you'll soon see-
Did you grope
Miss Lewinsky?
Did you grope her
In your house?
Did you grope
Beneath her blouse?
I did not do that
Here or there-
I did not do that
Anywhere!
I did not do that
Near or far-
I did not do that
Starr-You-Are.
Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek
Beneath her skirt?
And did you tell
the girl to lie
When called upon
To testify?
I do not like you
Starr-You-Are-
I think that you
Have gone too far.
I will not answer
Any more-
Perhaps I will go
Start a war!
The public's easy
To distract-
When bombs are
Falling on Iraq
Top 10 Benefits of a White House Internship
10. First hand knowledge of domestic affairs
9. Pay is lousy, but the hush money is great
8. Gives new meaning to MTV slogan "Rock the Vote"
7. Observe the President's commitment to young people first hand
6. Learn intricacies of statutory rape law
5. Have president chase around desk brandishing his 'subpoena'
4. President tells you he really wants you on his staff
3. Try out JFK's legendary rocking chair
2. Have president introduce you to his 'special investigator'
1. Find out what a politician means when he says he's been polling his constituents
Leadership Skills -- Jokes, One Liners
All this time i've been hearing you get aids from sex, turns out you can get sex from aids
Headline from The Post: "Bush Finally Defeats Clinton"
Clinton: "I never told her to lie in her disposition....I told her to lie in this position...."
Why does Clinton wear underwear? To keep his ankles warm.
What do Clinton and a carpenter have in common?
One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart.
Why doesn't Clinton play his saxophone anymore?
He's busy playing with his whoremonica.
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?
Hi honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes.
What's the new favorite game at the White House?
Swallow the leader.
What is Clinton's favorite movie?
Free Willy
Clinton: "I never asked her to lie....but I did ask her to kneel...."
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?
Only 1500 people went down on the Titanic.
What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
"Sat on the Presidential Staff"
In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President Clinton", 86% replied, "Not again"
What's the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal?
Fornigate.
The price of oil has skyrocketed; rumor has it that the President is drilling in the White House again.
The latest on Zippergate President Clinton's name has been recently identified with the UNABANGER.
What's the new name for the place where Bill Clinton does his business?
The Oral Office.
Why does President Clinton invite so many ladies into his private study?
He wants to show them his executive branch.
Bill Clinton: the only man who can turn attention away from one of his sex scandals with another sex scandal!
President Clinton has vehemently denied that he told former intern Monica Lewinsky to lie. "What I actually said," claims the President, "was to lie down."
Today's headline read, "Clinton Probe Expands." It turned out to be a direct quote attributed to Monica Lewinsky.
Yassar Arafat's advice to President Clinton... "Goats don't talk"
THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS.. THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON _SHOULD_ HAVE GIVEN.
"Members of Congress...people of America....I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.
Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House.
Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability, ' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for beaver-wrestling shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House.
Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.
Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter ...unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the presidential limousine.
Fresh off of the Associated Press Wire.....
AP - Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President Clinton's firm
denial:
"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face. "This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way I know how: head on.
"I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it.
"Thank you."
Monica Lewinsky
~~~~~~~~~~~
An entry from Monica's diary:
"Dear Diary:
"I see today that Vernon Jordan is testifying. I like him. Unlike 'The Big Creep', Jordan only tried to put WORDS in my mouth."
White House Internship Application
Return to: White House at president@whitehouse.gov
Name:
Hometown:
Sex: F__ Age:
Measurements: (required for medical purposes)
How many beers it takes to get you...
...Giggly:
...Drunk:
...Hot:
...To lie to a federal prosecutor:
Compentancy Exam:
You've always considered the White House:
a) a monument to democracy
b) the place where great leaders meet
c) vaguely erotic
d) extremely erotic
Hillary Clinton is a(n):
a) model wife and mother
b) icon of late 20th century femininity
c) an obstacle
d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world
You've always wanted to know more about the President's:
a) Israeli policies
b) childhood in Hope, Ark.
c) romper room
d) "monument to democracy"
My social life as an intern would likely consist of:
a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns
b) reading, study
c) late nights working at the White House
d) late nights "working" at the White House
Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d.
Scores of 16 can start tomorrow.
Scores of 12 and above, please call soon Uncle Sam wants you.
Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be interested in this
program.
The White House is an equal opportunity employer for all women who want the chance to get actively involved in Presidential matters
Assorted Clinton/Lewinsky Jokes and Stories
Q: Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky?
A: He couldn't give her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.
Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.
Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.
Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.
Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the President. "It's this Abortion Bill Mr. President, what do you want to do about it?" the aide replies. "Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.
So it's about Bill Clinton's new revelations about his sex life. Seems today he finally admitted that he had sex with Gennifer Flowers a couple of times....but he didn't come.
Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
Q: Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary?
A: He wants to be on top.
Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
A: He married her.
Clinton is looking out of the window and he notices that someone has urinated the message, "BILL SUCKS!" on a wall outside the White House. Furious, he orders the FBI to take urine and handwriting samples from every member of the White House staff and find the culprit immediately. A week later, the FBI director calls. "Mr. President, I have good news and bad news," he says. "The good news is that the urine belongs to Bob Dole." "And the bad news?" Clinton demands. After a slight pause, the director replies, "Sir, the handwriting belongs to your wife!"
Q: How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's sexual appetite?
A: It Takes A Village!
President French-Fry was out jogging when a Hooker standing on the corner hailed him. "Hey Mr. President! Fifty bucks!" "No, no." Bill replied with a grin, "Five bucks!" and kept on jogging. This exchange soon became a part of the President's normal routine. Each day as he'd approach the corner, the hooker would yell out, "Hey Mr. President... Fifty Bucks!" and Bill would holler back, "No, Five Bucks!" Well, one day, Hillary decided she wanted to go jogging with Bill. As they neared the corner, Bill suddenly realized what a terrible scene was about to happen. Sure enough, there was the hooker, and just like all the other times she smiled and waved and yelled out, "Hey Mr. President......See what you get for Five Bucks!"
Q: How does Bill Clinton teach a woman to golf?
A: He starts with the irons and ends up in the woods.
Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat?
A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented.
"One thing's for sure about Clinton... He sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs!"
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time.
Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor.
Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes *he* did?
A: A dead girlfriend.
Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?
A: To promote off-shore drilling.
Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.
From The Oval Orifice
Hillary dickery dock,
Bill can't control his cock.
The clock struck eight,
It's time to fellate.
Hillary dickery dock.
Hillary dickery dock,
They're sucking your husband's cock.
The clock struck three,
It's on TV.
Hillary dickery dock.
***
Old Chinese proverb say:
Man who fuck intern...get fucked, in turn.
***
Monica Monica, tell us the news.
Between you and his wife, who would he choose?
Monica Monica, give us a treat.
Is the President salty or sweet?
***
He placed in your mouth the Presidential seal.
In exchange for a million dollar book deal.
There's no guarantee he'll last out his term,
But you are assured a dollar a sperm.
***
As many preceded, many will follow,
But the world needs to know: did you swallow?
***
To the tune of: Hush Little Babies
Hush little money, don't you cry.
We're not exactly saying that you have to lie.
But if you don't keep that big mouth shut,
We'll publicly embarrass you, ya little slut.
Why is oral sex causing such a big mess?
Now where the hell is that spot on your dress.
And if that dress you won't surrender,
In exchange for lots of what we call legal tender,
Someone might turn up on a nice steel slab,
Or perhaps there'll be a fire at the Cellmark Lab.
But if I can't get all of my DNA back,
I guess it's time to start a war with Iraq.
16.That Thing You Do
15.Lady and the Scamp
14.Look Who's Sweating Now
13.Phallus in Wonderland
12.101 Depositions
11.All the President's Yen
10.Sex, Lies and Audiotape
9.Blousehunt
8.Silence of the Ma'ams
7.The Lyin' King
6.Big Hair, Big City
5.As Wood As It Gets
4.Terms of Impeachment
3.Pants/Off
2.My Spare Lady
and the Number 1 Movie Based on the Monica Lewinsky Story...
1.Cleavage and Butt-Head Do America
11. Excuse me "Your Honor", but she was on top
10. I didn't want people to confuse me with the Pope on TV
9. She's not THAT young. In Arkansas, the age of consent is only 16
8. Hey, At least she's prettier than Paula Jones or Gennifer Flowers
7. I had to show the American People that I WASN'T impotent for my second term in office
6. I was jealous of Nixon with his 'Tricky Dick" nickname
5. I didn't leave a message on her voicemail. Get with it. This is the 90's, I sent her
E-MAIL!
4. See I'm not a Lame duck. She said I was pretty GOOD!
3. My real name is not William Jefferson Clinton. It's William KENNEDY Clinton.
2. I couldn't control myself. It was genetic. I was in her jeans -- oops, I mean it was in
my genes.
AND for those of you who remember the famous "I DIDN'T INHALE" comes the now
soon to be famous #1 excuse.......................
1. "I didn't insert"
Top Ten White House Jobs That Sound Dirty
10. ?Polishing the Presidential Podium.?
9. ?Unwrapping the Big Mac?
8. ?Taking Buddy for a walk?
7. ?Handling the hotline?
6. ?Vacuuming under the Oval Office desk?
5. ?Waxing Air Force One?
4. ?Shaking hands with the French Ambassador?
3. ?Giving the President an oral briefing?
2. ?Taking dictation?
1. ?Polling?
Bill Clinton's version of "Favorite Things" from "The Sound of Music"
My Favorite Things
Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things
Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things
Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things
Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things
Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things
When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad
A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on display.
The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture is titled "Got Milk."
The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white mustache. It is entitled "Forgot milk".
The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache on it. It is entitled "Not Milk."
This actually happened at Harvard University in October of this year. Thought you all would find it educational. Remember, aim for the tip of the tongue......
In a biology class, the prof was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?"
"That's correct", responded the prof, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class...and never returned.
However, as she was going out the door, the Prof's reply was classic...
Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest. And be VERY proud of it!
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery
Death is hereditary
Dyslexics of the world - untie!
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
There's no future in time travel
Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero
Oh Lord give me patience, and give it to me NOW!
A good pun is it's own reword
I used to be indecisive - now I'm not sure
I'm writing a book - I've got the page numbers done.
SIGNS OF THE TIMES....
***********************************************
Sign on an electrician's truck: "Let Us Remove Your Shorts."
Sign Outside a radiator repair shop: "Best Place in Town to Take a Leak."
Sign in a Realtor's office: "Lots for little."
Sign in a shoe store: "Come in and have a fit."
Sign in a maternity clothes store: "We are open on labor day."
Sign in a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and
take appropriate action."
Sign on the door of the maternity ward: "Push Push Push."
Sign in a bookstore: "We treat you write."
Sign in an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've
come to the right place."
Sign in a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
Sign in a butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
Sign on used car lot: "Second hand"
Q: Could you please explain the recent historic tobacco settlement?
A: Sure! Basically, the tobacco industry has admitted that it is killing people by the
millions, and has agreed that from now on it will do this under the strict supervision of
the federal government.
Q: Will there be monetary damages assessed?
A: Yes. To compensate for the immense suffering caused by its products, the tobacco
industry will pay huge sums of money to the group most directly affected.
Q: Lawyers?
A: Yes.
Q: Will the federal government also receive large quantities of money?
A: Of course.
Q: How will the tobacco industry obtain this money?
A: By selling more tobacco products.
Q: What if consumers stop buying tobacco products?
A: That would be very bad. That would mess up the economics of the whole thing. The
government would probably have to set up an emergency task force to figure out ways to get
people smoking again in order to finance the historic tobacco settlement.
Q: If the government really wants people to stop smoking, how come it doesn't just make
cigarettes illegal?
A: Because people would smoke them anyway.
Q: Then how come the government makes crack cocaine illegal?
A: That is an unfair comparison. The tobacco industry is merely selling a deadly product;
the crack cocaine industry is guilty of something far far worse.
Q: Failure to make large political donations??
A: Yes.
Q: Many people started smoking because they watched classic movies in which glamorous
Hollywood stars were always inhaling and exhaling vast clouds of smoke and looking totally
cool. What will be done to correct this under the historic tobacco settlement?
A: By 1998, all classic movies will be digitally reprocessed by special Food and Drug
Administration computers so that - to cite one example - in Casablanca, when Humphrey
Bogart makes his dramatic final speech to Ingrid Bergman, he will have the voice of Rocky
the Flying Squirrel.
Q: Whose voice will the late John Wayne have?
A: The late Lucille Ball's.
Q: What will happen to all the tobacco institute scientists, who, despite decades of
dedicated research, were never able to find a single shred of evidence proving that
cigarettes cause cancer?
A: At the request of the White House, they will be reassigned to the Whitewater
investigation.
Q: Speaking of administration scandals, if President Clinton actually winds up in court
over this Paula Jones thing, what steps will be taken to prevent the trial from turning
into a grotesque and demeaning pubic spectacle?
A: Mr. Clinton's face will be covered at all times by an electronically superimposed dark
blob, underneath which will be an electronic label identifying him only as "A United
States President."
Q: How will the historic tobacco settlement affect the aliens whose spaceship crashed near
Roswell, N.M. in 1947, and whose bodies are now being kept in top-secret government
freezers?
A: Millions of dollars will be paid to their lawyers.
Q: I guess that covers it! Thanks! Smoke?
A: No, thank you. I have my own.
- Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two counterfeit $16 bills.
- A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
- A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room, thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
- The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
- A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
- Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the shredder with the copier.
- A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
- Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
- When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
- A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
(attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky)
1. Most blues songs begin "woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick
something nasty in the next line:
I got a good woman-
with the meanest dog in town..
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find
something that rhymes. Sort of..
Got a good woman
With the meanest dog in town..
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
And he weighs about 500 pounds..
4. The blues is not about limitless choices..
5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is
Greyhound bus or a southbound train..
(Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. [So does fixin' to die.])
6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis..
7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues..
8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. persimmon
b. lavender
c. taupe
NOTE: Pink is acceptable ONLY if it applies to a Cadillac
9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong..
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. the empty bed
Bad places:
a. airplanes
b. Gallery openings
c. weekends in the Hamptons
11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man..
12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?
Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state-like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can't be satisfied..
No, if:
a. you were once blind but now can see..
b. you're deaf
c. you have a trust fund..
13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues..
14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues..
Other blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. whiskey
c. muddy water
Blues beverages are NOT:
a. frozen drinks with umbrellas
b. cappucinos
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment..
16. Some Blues names for Women
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
17A. Some Blues Names for Men
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning
NOTE: Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no
matter how many men they shoot in Memphis..
17B. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
Mix and Match
If someone breaks your heart, just punch them in the head. Oh sure, it seems obvious
now, but you'd be amazed at how many people don't think of it when it's relevant. Just
punch them in the head. And then go get some ice cream.
(R.M. Weiner)
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If you ever get your tongue stuck to a flagpole, the best way to handle the situation
is to take off all your clothes. Then people will say, "Hey, look at the naked
guy!" instead of, "Hey, look at that idiot with his tongue stuck to a
pole!".
(Craig Stacey)
Sometimes, it's better to lie to children. For example, when a child asks if they were
adopted, say "yes" and lovingly explain that you have to be extra special to be
adopted. Under no circumstances use the word, "kidnapped."
(Dave James)
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If ignorance is bliss then I must be the happiest thingamajigee in the whatchamacallit!
(R.M. Weiner)
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If I plagiarize, it's only because I like someone else's idea better than mine and I
want credit for it.
(Anna Chin-Williams)
If I plagiarize, it's only because I like someone else's idea better than mine and I want
credit for it.
(Richard W. Lipp)
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S.C.U.B.A stands for something, but I can't remember what it is. I think it might
involve the Village People.
(Paul Paternoster)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you ever fall from the top of a skyscraper, only scream when passing open windows,
because closed windows are usually soundproof, and hey, you'd just be wasting your breath.
(R.M. Weiner)
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If you love somebody, set them free. Unless it's your dog, because there are leash laws
around here, and you probably have at least one psychotic neighbor who will call Animal
Control on your butt.
(Rich Potter)
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If all men are created equal, why don't we all weigh the same?
(Craig Stacey)
Laugh, and the world laughs with you. But most of them probably didn't get the joke in
the first place, the lying weasels.
(Wade Kwon)
I think something that's due for a comeback is people walking around with a parrot on
their shoulder. I mean, come on! How cool was that?
(R.M. Weiner)
A penny saved may be a penny earned, but it's a waste of a deposit slip and it really
ticks off the tellers.
---------------------------
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn!
---------------------------
Patience is something admired in the driver behind you, but not in the one ahead of you.
---------------------------
A fool and his money are soon... Hey! Where's my wallet?
---------------------------
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I'll always have each other.
---------------------------
Excercise is bunk. If you're sick you shouldn't take it and if you're healthy you don't
need it. -- Henry Ford ---------------------------
I'm not opinionated. I'm just always right.
---------------------------
Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of congress. But I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain ---------------------------
If you're not the lead dog, the view never changes....
--------------------------- =
Famous Playwright sent Churchill two tickets to opening night saying,
"Bring a friend,... if you have one." Churchill sent regrets saying, "Can't
make opening night, I can come the 2nd night,... if there is one."
---------------------------
Never buy a pitbull from a one armed man.
---------------------------
The reason some people are alive is simply because it's against the law to kill them.
---------------------------
Lady Astor: If I were your wife I'd poison your tea.
Winston Churchill: If I were your husband I'd drink it.
---------------------------
YOU CAN'T GET AHEAD WHILE YOU'RE TRYING TO GET EVEN!
---------------------------
For every action, there is an equal but opposite Government program.
---------------------------
Items found in various church bulletins...
Thursday night: Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our Church and Community.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the Church. Children will be Baptised at both ends.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the Church basement.
A guy is at the Pearly Gates, hoping to be admitted, and St. Peter says to the guy, "I can't see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad either. I tell you what: if you can tell me one REALLY good deed that you did, you're in."
So the guy says, "Once I was driving down the road and saw a gang of bikers assaulting this poor girl. I pulled over, got out my car, grabbed a tire iron, and walked straight up to the gang's leader; a huge ugly guy with a studded leather jacket, bald head but with hair all over his body, and a chain running from his nose to his ear. Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and, wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them, 'You leave this poor, innocent lady alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! GO HOME BEFORE I TEACH YOU ALL A LESSON IN PAIN!'"
Impressed, St. Peter says, "Really? When did this happen?" "Oh, about two minutes ago."
Many of you have seen the film "Titanic"which is a great big boat that sank like a thousand years ago that for some reason everyone is just no getting worked up about. Some of you-I am speaking to the women here-have seen the movie several times. And I would like to know why. Have the principals of film making not been adequately explained to you, so you think there's a chance the movie will end differently if you see it again? Do you think this is a "Choose Your Own Adventure" movie? No matter how many times you see it, the boat is going to sink and the same people are going to die, including the guy who falls and whacks his noggin on the railing on the way down. I think this movie is entirely too long.
The actual sinking of the Titanic took only four hours; the movie is easily three times that long. Note to reader: from the following choises, select the "This-movie-is-too-long"line you like best and go with it:
-Savings bonds have matured in less time than it takes to watch this movie
-Many marriages don't last this long
-I had to shave twice durring the movie
-Three Eastern European nations were formed while I was at the movies
Hearts and roses and kisses galore...
What the hell is all that shit for?
People get mushy and start acting queer
It is definitely the most annoying day of the year
This day needs to get the hell over with and pass
Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass
I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
And wear all black for the rest of the week
Guys act all sweet, but it soon will fade
For all they are doing is trying to get laid
The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit
Because I think love is a crock of shit
So there's the story...what else can I say?
Love bites my ass...Fuck Valentines Day!
An elderly man, hard of hearing, is joined by his wife as the doctor makes an exam. Finally, the doctor says: "I am mystified. I need to do further tests. So leave me a urine, feces and sperm samples." The gentleman asks: "What did he say? What does he want?" His wife responds: "Leave him your underwear."
This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca <last name deleted and Gary <last name deleted>
English 44A
SMU
Creative Writing
Prof Miller
In-class Assignment for Wednesday
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is
simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.
One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the
first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then
add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written
each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a
conclusion has been reached.
----------------------------------------------------------------
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth-when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semiliterate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
Asshole.
Bitch.