A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"
The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it would be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."
The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!" The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000." The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!" He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of sluts."
Hello, my name is Alfonso Merkin. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not sending out 50 billion fucking forwards sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them, that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with lung cancer brought on by secondhand smoke from the cigarettes smoked by the big bad men who kidnapped her and took pornographic pictures of her for use on their child pornography web site will get 6 fucking cents every time you send me the letter.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How fucking stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Victoria's Secret model in the catalog! What a bunch of bullshit.
So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid forwards. Maybe the evil chainletter leprechauns will come into my dorm room and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous of blatant stupidity.
Fuck them. If you're going to forward something, at least send something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity. Thank you, and feel free to delete this email without sending it on to others (unless they have it coming).
A survey asked women what they would do if they woke up and had a penis for the day. These responses were taken from the survey:
--I would walk around and prod him all night long with it, whatever he is doing I'll be
there prodding him with it.
--I would write my name in the snow.
--I would go into my boss' office and lay it on his desk and say "where is my raise?
--I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him & tell him to roll over & try
something new.
--I would want a big one and show it off to everyone.
--I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed.
--I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing.
--I would measure it both ways.
--Pee off of a tall building.
--I would get racked to see if it really hurts.
--I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed.
--I would see what a woman felt like on the other end.
--I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with it all day.
--Demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit the water and not
pee all over everything.
--Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it.
--I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot.
--Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what was the best.
--Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around.
--See how many donuts I could carry with it.
--Check out my boyfriends gag reflexes.
Jane entered the kitchen one morning, reached to turn on the light, and it didn't work. After replacing the bulb, still no light. When John, her husband, came home, she said "Honey, the light switch is broken. Could you fix it for me please? To which John replied while displaying proudly the front of his TShirt, "Do you see 'Electrician' written on the front of this shirt?" Jane said nothing. Next day John came home and Jane said, "Honey, the cabinet door fell off today. Could you put it back on for me please?" To which John, of course, replied, "Do you see 'Carpenter' written anywhere on the front of this shirt?" Next day John came home and Jane said, "Honey, the water pipe under the sink is leaking. Could you fix it for me please?" Right! John replied, "Do you see 'plumber' written anywhere on the front of this shirt?" Next day John came home and the light switch was working, the cabinet door had been replaced, and the pipe wasn't leaking. John said, "I see you found some good repairmen". To which Jane replied, "No, I just called the neighbor next door." John asked, "Oh really? And how much did he charge?" Jane laughed and said, "He didn't charge anything. He said I could just bake him some "goodies" or we could trade it out in sex." To which, of course, John asked, "Well, what kind of "goodies" did you bake for him?" And Jane said proudly while displaying the front of her shirt, "Honey, do you see Betty Crocker written on here anywhere?"
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With YOU!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"
"Dear God, please help me be the person my dog thinks I am." - Unknown
Dear God, In Sunday School they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? - Jane
Dear God, I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. - Elliot
Dear God, Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you?" Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. - Darla
Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. - Margret
Dear God, I read the Bible. What does "begat" mean? Nobody will tell me. - Love, Allison
Dear God, Are you really invisible or is that a trick? - Lucy
Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? - Anita
Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? - Norma
Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? - Jane
Dear God, Who draws the lines around countries? - Nan
Dear God, The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool". But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. - Eddie
Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? - Neil
Dear God, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. - Jane
Dear God, Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce
Dear God, Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. - Tom L.
Dear God, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. - Bruce
Dear God, If we come back as something - please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. - Denise
Dear God, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.-Danny
Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. - Larry
Dear God, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. - Sam
Dear God, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways.-Dean
Dear God, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. - Nan
Dear God, Of all the people who work for You, I like Noah and David the best. - Rob
Dear God, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? - Marsha
Dear God, If You watch me in Church Sunday. I'll show You my new shoes. - Mickey D.
Dear God, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. - Love, Chris
Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So, I bet he stoled Your idea. Sincerely, Donna
Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are God already. - Charles
THE LAST THINGS ANY WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY:
1. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
2. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
4. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
5. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
6. This diamond is way too big.
7. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
8. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
9. Does this make my butt look too small?
10. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
11. I think belching is really sexy.
12. Sure, I'd love for us to have three-way sex with my best friend.
13. Why don't you go out with your friends to see the strippers tonight?
14. I could never be with any other man, but I don't mind at all if you see other women.
15. I insist that you always put your mother before me.
16. I love a good cigar after sex.
17. I think we should spend our life savings and buy a big, old bass boat.
18. Move over, I'm driving. I love city traffic.
19. The smell of oil and gas makes me horny. Let's do it on the workbench.
20. That porn star Dixie Dynamite sounds like one heads-up chick. I wish I could meet her
one day.
21. It's so romantic when you pull out and cum on my back.
22. Let's skip that stage show with Mel Gibson and go watch the Tyson fight at a bar.
23. Hey, we didn't have sex last night!
24. That shirt doesn't smell bad enough to need washing. Wear it again today.
25. Your buddies tell the best stories. I could listen to them all day.
26. I understand.
27. You don't swear enough.
28. I love it when you finger me while you drive.
29. Let's stay at that dirty, old motel on the highway. It's cheaper and we can spend the
money we save on beer.
30. Don't fix the toilet, I'll just keep going in the bushes outside.
31. Sure, you can wear your old cowboy boots at our wedding. They go with anything.
32. I think I'll call him up and ask him out.
33. Sleeping with all the guys on the softball team doesn't make that girl a slut! She's
just really friendly.
34. I farted again. Lift the covers so we can smell it.
35. Don't dirty a knife or fork, eat with your hands like me.
36. Oh yeah, any hole you want.
The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records in the US.
1) Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
2) Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just
passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
3)Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me".
Q: Did he kill you?
4) Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
5) The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
6) Were you alone or by yourself?
7) How long have you been a French Canadian?
8) Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
9) Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
10) Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
11) Q: Now, Mrs Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
12) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes
Q: What were you doing at the time?
13) Q: Mrs Jones, do you believe that you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
14) So you were gone until you returned?
15) Q: She had three children right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?
16) You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you
describe it?
17) Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
18) Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
19) A Texas attorney realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question,
interrupted himself and said, "Your honor, I'd like to strike the next
question."
20) Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at
the rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker
asked her, "How many children do you have?" "Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she
answered. "They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to
come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come
running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?" The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal." The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started." The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss." The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!"
HERE'S JOHNNY..............................
A guy's walking down the street and sees Little Johnny smoking a cigarette. He says, 'Kid, you're too young to smoke. How old are you?' Johnny says, 'Six.' The guy says, 'Six? When did you start smoking?' Johnny says, 'Right after the first time I got laid.' The guy says, 'Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?' Johnny says, 'I don't remember. I was drunk.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought around cookies for snack time. 'Here Little Johnny, have a cookie.' 'I don't fucking want one,' declared Johnny. The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day. When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her hide behind the curtain until snack time came around.
As she came to Little Johnny, she again told him 'Here Little Johnny. It's time for your cookie.' 'I don't fucking want one,' stated Little Johnny again. The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother, 'See? Did you hear what he said?' 'Yeah, so don't fucking give him a cookie,' said Little Johnny's mother.
---------------------------
Little Johnny was in a spelling bee in class. He had to spell the word and use it in a sentence. The teacher asked him to please spell the word 'ear'. Little Johnny stood up and proudly said 'E-A-R'. Then to use it in a sentence, he pretended to take a big hit off a joint and then while pretending to have his lungs full of smoke he pretended to pass the joint to Little Suzy and said, 'ear'
"Logging Off Is Hard To Do"
Sung to the tune of "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do"
Don't take my mouse away from me
Don't you bump me...hear my plea
If you do then I'll be blue
'Cause logging off is hard to do
Remember when we met on-line
I sent a pic of my big behind
You sent one back or was it two?
logging off is hard to do
They say that logging off is hard to do
Now I know, I know that it's true
Don't say that this is the end
Instead of logging off I wish that we were in the loft again
I beg of you, don't say goodbye
Can't we give our cyber another try
Come on baby, let's start anew
'Cause logging off is hard to do
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.
Life Lessons from Melrose Place...
1. If your "significant other" leaves town for more than a week, sleep with
whomever you want. After all, you can't be expected to wait around forever.
2. Never sleep with your boss or co-worker. Just kidding. You should do both, often.
3. A good way to unwind after a hard day at the office is to build a fire, curl up with a
good book, and rapidly drink seven large glasses of straight vodka.
4. Every once in a while, just go ahead and slap somebody in the face, really hard.
5. Pretend you're pregnant.
6. Feeling a little insecure? Buy a gun!
7. If marriage isn't working, consider a divorce. If divorce isn't convenient, fake your
own death.
8. Don't walk too fast when feigning blindness.
9. Never base a relationship on lies and deceit. Just kidding! Dishonesty should be an
integral part of any relationship.
10. When you leave someone to die of carbon monoxide poisoning, be sure to shut the door
tightly on your way out.
11. Don't date drug dealers...unless they're really good-looking...or have a lot of
money...or unless you can gain something from it in some way...or...oh hell, go ahead and
date drug dealers.
12. Don't get too close to people in comas. Sometimes they wake up and try to choke you.
13. If you get fired, get drunk.
14. Call your ex-wife "Baby."
15. If you've got to fix your Harley, you might as well take off your shirt and do it by
the pool.
16. Randomly insult the people around you.
17. Parents will be parents. Sometimes they'll nag. Sometimes they'll be judgmental.
Sometimes they'll commit you to a miserable insane asylum where you'll be bound in a
straightjacket and heavily sedated.
18. If you lose your job, wait a few minutes and you'll get an even better job at twice
the salary.
19. A good way to aggravate your sister is to tell her that Mom liked you best. Another
good way is to sleep with her husband a bunch of times.
20. Just because you're in the midst of ruining someone's career doesn't mean that you
can't carpool to work with them.
1. Men are like department stores.... their clothes should always be half off.
2. Men are like vacations.... they never seem to be long enough.
3. Men are like computers... hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
4. Men are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere
5. Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your
hips.
6. Men are like coffee.... the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night
long.
7. Men are like horoscopes.... they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
8. Men are like plungers... they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the
bathroom.
9. Men are like cement.... after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
10 Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the shit out of you
11 Q: Why did God create man?
A: Because vibrators don't mow lawns
12 Q: What are two reasons men don't mind their own business?
A: No mind-No business
13 Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: The good ones are taken and what's left is handicapped
14 Q: Why is it hard for a women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good
looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends
15 Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last
16 Q: Why are men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they don't hump women's legs at cocktail parties
17 Q: Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A: Because they're all pigs
IF MEN WERE TO REWRITE THE RULES
Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2 If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Rule # 3 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 4 It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 5 Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
Rule # 6 Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
Rule # 7 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
Rule # 8 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Rule # 9 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
Rule # 10 Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
Rule # 11 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
Rule # 12 Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived
Why Mountain Bikes Are Better Than Girls
1. Mountain Bikes don't get pregnant.
2. You can ride you Mountain Bike any time of the month.
3. Mountain Bikes don't have parents.
4. Mountain Bikes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
5. You can share you Mountain Bike with your friends.
6. Mountain Bikes don't care how many other Mountain Bikes you've ridden.
7. When riding, you and your Mountain Bike can arrive at the same time.
8. Mountain Bikes don't care how many other Mountain Bikes you have.
9. Mountain Bikes don't care if you look at other Mountain Bikes.
10.Mountain Bikes don't care if you buy Mountain Bike magazines.
11.You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to own a new Mountain Bike"
unless you go out to buy one yourself.
12.If your Mountain Bike goes flat you can fix it.
13.If you Mountain Bike is too loose you can tighten it.
14.If you Mountain Bike is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.
15.You can have a black Mountain Bike and bring it home to your parents.
16.You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on you Mountain Bike.
17.If you say bad things to you Mountain Bike, you don't have to apologise before you ride
it again.
18.You can ride you Mountain Bike as long as you want and it won't get sore.
19.You can stop riding you Mountain Bike as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.
20.Your parents won't remain in touch with your old Mountain Bike after you dump it.
21.Mountain Bikes don't get headaches.
22.Mountain Bikes don't insult you if you're a bad rider.
23.Your Mountain Bike never wants a night out with the other Mountain Bikes.
24.Mountain Bikes don't care if your late.
25.You don't have to take a shower before you ride your Mountain Bike.
26.If your Mountain Bike doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts.
27.You can ride your Mountain Bike the first time you meet it, without having to take it
to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
28.The only protection you have to wear when riding your Mountain Bike is a decent helmet.
29.When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you
were on your Mountain Bike.
The three explorers viewed the green lush land they had discovered. An argument broke out to what they would name the place.
It was finally decided that each of them would pull a letter of the alphabet from a cloth bag and hopefully that would spell out a suitable name.
So the first guy pulls out a letter; "I got a C, eh?", then the second; "I got a N, eh?" and then the third "I got a D, eh?" and that's how Canada got its name........
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.
If a light-sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a hard-sleeper sleep with?
What is the difference between Olympic swimmers and Olympic divers?
Mark Spitz and Greg Swallows.
What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.
What has three teeth and sixty feet?
The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.
What is the new O.J. web site address?
slash.slash.backslash.escape
What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
They're right! We do taste like chicken!
What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat me!
What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.
What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
About three inches.
What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well-hung
What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
You can't hear an enzyme.
What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Mega-sor-ass
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One..Men will screw anything.
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to
carry groceries.
What did the blonde say when asked if she'd been picked up by the fuzz?
No...but I've been swung around by the tits.
Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
For traction in the mud.
Why can't Hellen Keller drive?
Because she's a woman.
The Personal Ad Translations(Part 2 - Men Seeking Women)
Code Word: 40-ish
Really Means: 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Code Word: Affectionate
Really Means: Needy and looking for mother-figure
Code Word: Artist
Really Means: Delicate ego badly in need of massage
Code Word: Athletic
Really Means: Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Code Word: Average looking
Really Means: Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back
Code Word: Distinguished-looking
Really Means: Fat, grey, and bald
Code Word: Educated
Really Means: Will always treat you like an idiot
Code Word: Employed
Really Means: On management track at Radio Shack
Code Word: Financially Secure
Really Means: I will spend some money on you, in return for which I will expect you to
obey my every whim for the duration of your mortal life.
Code Word: Free Spirit
Really Means: Sleeps with your sister
Code Word: Friendship first
Really Means: As long as friendship involves nudity
Code Word: Fun
Really Means: Good with a remote and a six pack
Code Word: Good looking
Really Means: Arrogant bastard
Code Word: Honest
Really Means: Pathological Liar
Code Word: Huggable
Really Means: Overweight, more body hair than Gentle Ben
Code Word: Light drinker
Really Means: Headed for AA
Code Word: Like to cuddle
Really Means: Insecure, overly dependent
Code Word: Like romantic walks
Really Means: I read Cosmo and think this is what you want on the beach to hear on the
beach
Code Word: Mature
Really Means: Until you get to know him
Code Word: Open-minded
Really Means: Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Code Word: Physically fit
Really Means: I spend a lot of time in front of mirrors admiring myself
Code Word: Poet
Really Means: Once wrote on a bathroom stall while constipated
Code Word: Professional
Really Means: Owns a white button down
Code Word: Reliable
Really Means: Shows up on time--give or take 3 hours
Code Word: Self-employed
Really Means: Out of work and eat nachos all weekend
Code Word: Sensitive
Really Means: Needy
Code Word: Smart
Really Means: Thinks Cheers was "the wittiest show ever on TV"
Code Word: Spiritual
Really Means: Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter
Code Word: Stable
Really Means: Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Code Word: Thoughtful
Really Means: Says "Please" when demanding a beer
Code Word: Virile
Really Means: can read 3 Penthouse Forums without passing out
Code Word: Young at heart
Really Means: Pedophile
The Personal Ad Translations (Part 1 - Women Seeking Men)
Code Word: 40-ish
Really Means: 48
Code Word: Adventurous
Really Means: Has had more partners than you ever will
Code Word: Affectionate
Really Means: Possessive
Code Word: Artist
Really Means: Unreliable
Code Word: Athletic
Really Means: Flat chested
Code Word: Average looking
Really Means: Ugly
Code Word: Beautiful
Really Means: Pathological liar
Code Word: Commitment-minded
Really Means: Pick out curtains, now!
Code Word: Communication important
Really Means: Just try to get a word in edge-wise
Code Word: Contagious Smile
Really Means: Bring your penicillin
Code Word: Educated
Really Means: College dropout
Code Word: Emotionally Secure
Really Means: Medicated
Code Word: Employed
Really Means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Code Word: Enjoys art and opera
Really Means: Snob
Code Word: Enjoys Nature
Really Means: Bring your own granola
Code Word: Exotic Beauty
Really Means: Would frighten a Martian
Code Word: Feminist
Really Means: Fat; ball buster
Code Word: Financially Secure
Really Means: One paycheck from the street
Code Word: Free spirit
Really Means: Substance user
Code Word: Friendship first
Really Means: Trying to live down reputation as slut
Code Word: Fun
Really Means: Annoying
Code Word: Gentle
Really Means: Comatose
Code Word: Good Listener
Really Means: Borderline Autistic
Code Word: Humorous
Really Means: Caustic
Code Word: Intuitive
Really Means: Your opinion doesn't count
Code Word: In Transition
Really Means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills
Code Word: Light drinker
Really Means: Lush
Code Word: Looks younger
Really Means: If viewed from far away in bad light
Code Word: Loves Travel
Really Means: If you're paying
Code Word: Loves Animals
Really Means: Cat lady
Code Word: Mature
Really Means: Will not let you treat her like a farm animal in bed, like last boyfriend
did
Code Word: New-Age
Really Means: All body hair, all the time
Code Word: Non-tradional
Really Means: Ex-husband lives in the basement
Code Word: Old-fashioned
Really Means: Lights out, missionary position only
Code Word: Open-minded
Really Means: Desperate
Code Word: Outgoing
Really Means: Loud
Code Word: Passionate
Really Means: Loud
Code Word: Petite
Really Means: Wouldn't stand out in a pack of Munchkins
Code Word: Poet
Really Means: Depressive Schzophrenic
Code Word: Professional
Really Means: Bitch
Code Word: Redhead
Really Means: Shops on the Clairol aisle
Code Word: Reliable
Really Means: Frumpy
Code Word: Reubenesque
Really Means: Grossly Fat
Code Word: Romantic
Really Means: Looks better by candle light
Code Word: Self-employed
Really Means: Jobless
Code Word: Smart
Really Means: Insipid
Code Word: Special
Really Means: Rode the short schoolbus
Code Word: Spiritual
Really Means: Involved with a cult
Code Word: Stable
Really Means: Boring
Code Word: Tall, thin
Really Means: Anorexic
Code Word: Tan
Really Means: Wrinkled
Code Word: Voluptuous
Really Means: Very Fat
Code Word: Weight proportional to height
Really Means: Hugely Fat
Code Word: Wants Soulmate
Really Means: One step away from stalking
Code Word: Widow
Really Means: Nagged first husband to death
Code Word: Writer
Really Means: Pompous
Code Word: Young at heart
Really Means: Toothless crone
Subject: Philosophies to Live By - Maybe
1. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.
2. A conclusion is the place you get to when you get tired of thinking.
3. Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.
4. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
5. He who hesitates is probably right.
6. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
7. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
8. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
9. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
10. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
11. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.
12. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
13. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
14. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
15. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you have never tried.
16. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
17. Always try to be modest, and damn proud of it.
18. Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
19. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
21. 99.9 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
22. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
23. If at first you don't succeed, then sky diving is definitely not for you.
A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?" The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion. " The rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate... but... " The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice. " The two resumed their reading. There was silence for a while. Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?!"
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
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A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
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Did you hear about the Buddist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!
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A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
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A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
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There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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So this hem walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "We don't serve stitchery in here; you'll have to leave." The hem doesn't move from his stool, so the bartender throws him out. After landing on the sidewalk, the hem finds a broken bottle, and decides he's going to get his revenge. He's so angry he doesn't even bother to neaten himself up before he goes back in. The bartender looks at him, and says "Hey, aren't you a piece of stitchery?" and the hem (finally noticing that he's a bit unravelled) answers "I'm a frayed sew."
Senate Approves Road Kill Proposal
.c The Associated Press
CHARLESTON, W.Va. (AP) - Road kill - it's what's for dinner.
A state Senate committee approved a proposal Monday that would legalize immediately collecting and eating animals killed while running in front of vehicles.
Proponents said that if drivers can be encouraged to eat their road kill, the state could save paying highway workers to remove the carcasses.
People now can take possession only after they've contacted authorities, which ``can take hours, and the thing's spoiled by then,'' said sponsoring Sen. Leonard Anderson.
``They need to be able to pick it up and take it home immediately,'' he said.
The idea has drawn support in this state where wild game is widely consumed. But there are those who can't stomach the idea of carving up and cooking the carcass of an animal whose life came to an end in a failed attempt to cross a road.
``I would not like for it to be known that I voted for West Virginians eating road kill,'' said Sen. Rebecca White.
Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
Q: What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving?
A: Turkey.
Q: What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
A: They both have Kurds in their Whey.
Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!
Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador
Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They can't turn them on anyway.
Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of
$800,000.
Q: "How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time."
Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A: You only have to teach them to take off.
Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-52
Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck
Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile?
A: Aeroflot has killed more people.
Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.
Q: Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss?
A: He elected to receive.
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass." Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he apologized for his bad language. "That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."
Q: How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A: A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
Q: What do you call a female midget who's nice and gives head?
A: Short, sweet, and to the point!
Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A: No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A: It changes their blood type.
Q: What was the first obscenity ever heard on T.V.?
A: "Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"
Q: When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.
Q: Whats the worst thing about having sex with a 5 yr old?
A: When she says shes had better.
Q: What do women and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both squirm when you eat them.
Q: Whats 69 and 69?
A: Dinner for four.
Q: Why don't chickens wear underwear?
A: Because their peckers are on their faces.
Q: Whats worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?
A: Being fingered by Captain Hook.
Q: Whats worse than lobsters on your piano?
A: Crabs on your organ.
Did you hear about the nympho at the hotel pool?
She was barred from the area after the lifeguard saw her go down for the third time.
Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Don't pay her.
Q: Why have lepers got soft heads?
A: So their friends can dip their chips in.
Did you hear about the Leper Card game?
One threw his hand in, one laughed his head off and one cried his eyes out.
Q: Whats the difference between 'ohh' and 'ahh'?
A: About 4 inches.
Q: Whats the difference between Like and Love?
A: Spit and Swallow.
Q: How does a women hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.
Q: Whats the difference between men and jelly beans?
A: Jelly beans come in difference colours.
Q: What does Rubiks cube and a penis have in common?
A: The longer you play with it, the harder it gets!
Q: Why do female paratroopers wear jockstraps?
A: So they don't whistle on the way down.
Q: How can you tell a macho women?
A: She rolls her own tampons.
Q: What does a coffin and a condom have in common?
A: They're both filled with stiffs - only ones coming and ones going.
Q: How do you know that a female bartender is pissed off with you?
A: There's a string hanging out of your bloody Mary.
Q: How do you recycle a used tampon?
A: As a tea-bag for vampires.
Q: What do you get if you cross Bananarama with a Vibrator?
A: Wet, Wet, Wet
Q: What's 12 inches long and stiff in the morning?
A: Cot-death.
How do you get four poofs on a barstool?
Turn it upside down
What do elephants use as tampons?
Sheep
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job
Did you hear about the poof who got fired from the Sperm Bank?
He was caught drinking on the job
What do you do in case of fallout?
Put it back in and take shorter strokes
What's better than a rose on your piano?
Two lips on your organ
What is the definition of pure agony ?
Fucking a meat mincer!
What's a 68?
You do me, and I'll owe you one!
Why does Nancy Reagan always climb on top?
Because Ronnie can only fuck up
Why do women have two holes so close together?
In case you miss
How do you tell if a woman is wearing underwear?
Look for dandruff on her shoes
What's the height of confusion?
Fathers Day in Brixton
What's the ultimate in rejection?
When your wanking hand falls asleep
What is organic dental floss?
Pubic hair
What are the three greatest lies?
a)the cheque is in the post
b)small is beatiful
c)I won't come in your mouth
Q :How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid ?
A :When you open her legs the lights go on
Q :Why did the pervert cross the road?
A :Because he got his dick stuck in the chicken.
Q :Why did God give women legs?
A :Well, think of the mess a snail makes!
Q. What do you call a whore with her own transport?
A. Feels on Wheels !
Q: Why is a woman like a dog turd?
A: The older it is, the easier it is to pick up.
Q: What's the difference between a woman(man) and a toilet?
A: A toilet doesn't follow you around once you've used it.
Q: What's got four legs and one arm ?
A: A Rotwieller.
What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?.
Fucks funny!.
Did you hear about the guy that entered his dog at Crufts?
He got 16 months
Q what do you call grit in a condom
A An organ grinder!.
Q Whats green and eats nuts
A Herpes!.
Why did the condom fly across the room?
Because it got pissed off.
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year!
Q: Daddy, how come I get so many gifts to my birthday?
A: Because you have cancer, son.
Q. What does american beer and making love in a small rowing-boat have in common?
A. They are both fucking close to water!
Q: What is the similarity between British Telecom and Elton John?
A: They have both been fucked by Mercury.
Q. What does a motor scooter and a fat woman have in common?
A. They are both fun to ride until your friends see you.
Q: What do Robert Maxwell and Freddie Mercury have in common?
A: They were both knocked off by dodgy seamen!
Some scary stories for all. True? But Ouch!!
A 34 year-old New-Yorker injected a cocaine solution into his penis to heighten his sexual pleasure. After enjoying intercourse with his girlfriend, however, he couldn't get rid of his erection, and after three days he went to the doctor in search of help. Shortly afterwards, he developed blood clots in various parts of his body, gangrene set in and he lost both legs, nine fingers and his penis.
A man turned up at a hospital wearing an overcoat, and with blood dripping down his leg. When he removed the coat, the doctor saw he had a geranium inserted in his penis. The man had got the flower in without any difficulty, but when he tried to remove it, the hairs on the stem of the flower had dug into the urethra and ripped it to shreds.
A man of 20 reported to a casualty department complaining of pain in his rectum. The examination revealed a hard, stony mass. According to the man, he had been "fooling around" with his boyfriend, which involved lying on his back with his feet against the wall, while his boyfriend inserted a funnel in his rectum and poured a quantity of concrete mix through it. The man underwent surgery to remove the by now solid lump of concrete, which weighed 275 grams, and on further examination, was also found to contain a ping-pong ball.
A number of men, generally in the 55 to 65 age group, have ended up in hospital after attempting to make love to a vacuum cleaner, although their explanations are rarely so straightforward. One 60-year-old man was changing the plug of the Hoover when it "mysteriously switched itself on" and sucked him in. A 65 year-old single man bent down to pick up his tools and caught his penis in a nearby vacuum, while another was merely bending over to turn the vacuum off when the accident happened. Bizarrely, all were in a state of almost total undress when their accidents happened.
A patient in the USA went to see his doctor, and was checked for hemorrhoids. During the examination, the doctor asked if he was enjoying it, at which point the patient turned around and noticed that the doctor was masturbating. The doctor was given one year's probation.
A young couple appeared in casualty one evening, he with a bleeding and lacerated organ and she with serious bruising around the head. It appears that during the course of providing her husband with oral sex in the kitchen the young lady had suffered a "grand mal" epileptic fit, clamping her jaws closed on her husband's wedding tackle. In great pain and fear of actually losing the aforementioned penis, he grabbed a convenient heavy implement (a saucepan - fortunately empty) and used it to render his wife unconscious, so that she would release her grip.