In the Garden of Eden,
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.
In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's,
One covered Eve's.
As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away.
At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.
And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
Started to rise.
They found a spot,
That suited them best,
A nice big tree,
Where they began to rest.
Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.
The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.
Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
Was all wet inside.
The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.
Then down through the years,
People did screw,
And now it is time,
For me and you.
So pull down your pants,
And lay in the grass,
Cause I'm in the mood,
For a piece of that ASS!
The opening credits of The Simpsons shows Bart Simpson writing the same sentence over and over again on a chalkboard, the old "write it 100 times" punishment, which establishes him as a troublemaker. Each episode is different. Someone (not us, thank you) apparently went to the trouble of taping all the Simpsons, watching them all and writing down what Bart is writing on the board. These are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits. Even if you're not a fan, you'll like these:
I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal "spud head".
Goldfish don't bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
I will never win an emmy.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.
One day when the teacher walked to the blackboard, she noticed someone had written the word 'PENIS' in tiny letters. She turned around and scanned the class looking for a guily face. Finding none, she quickly erased it and began class.
The next day, she went into the room, she noticed in large letters the word 'PENIS' again; this time written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's larger than the previous one. Finally one day, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."
BOYS
A heart is not a play thing,
a heart is not a toy,
but if you want it broken,
Just give it to a boy.
Boys they like to play with things
To see what makes them run,
But when it comes to kissing,
They do it just for fun.
Boys never give their hearts away
They play us girls for fools,
They wait untill we give our hearts
And then they play it cool.
You will wonder where he is a night
You will wonder if he's true,
One moment you will be happy,
One moment you will be blue.
If you get a chance to see him
Your heart begins to dance
Your life revolves around him,
There's nothing like romance.
And then it starts to happen,
You worry day and night
You see, my friend, you're losing him
It never turns out right.
Boys are great, though immature
The price you pay is high,
He may seem sweet and gorgeous
But remember, he's a guy.
Don't fall in love with just a boy
That takes alot of nerve.
You see, my friend, you need a man
To get what you deserve.
So when you think that you're in love,
Be careful if you can
Before you give your heart away
Make sure that he's a man.
Girls
There are many good things in life,
like cars, money, and kisses.
But if you want something confusing,
a girl is all you need.
A girl doesn't say what she wants,
but you're somehow supposed to know.
If they want to do this or do that,
stay here, stay there, or just go.
Then there's the time, you all know what i mean,
that monthly little joy.
That let's them abuse the shit out of you,
just for being a boy.
If you ever dare look at another girl,
they seem to scream, go on, and panic.
But watch how fast they ignore you,
at the sight of that queer from Titanic.
They give you questions like "Am i fat?",
and "If you could go with one of my friends, who?".
There is no answer, face the facts,
you are definatly through.
They take nothing and blow it up,
and make a tremendous fuss.
So girls, no matter what you think,
you are just as hard to understand as us.
An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to a neurosurgeon and
asked "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?"
"Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out
1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie." The Ontarian was very pleased, and
immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of
cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the
patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's
bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious,
the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident.
Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain."
The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like
one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks'
notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find
you a temp."
* Bob Ettinger
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than
men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
* Conan O'Brien
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single
file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
* Warren Hutcherson
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering
from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then
it's you."
* Rita Mae Brown
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
* Dick Cavett
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
* Rita Rudner
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war . Pretty
impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to
fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's
go! You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off! I've got the toe
clippers right here!'"
* Jerry Seinfeld
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger
and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner .."
* Lynda Montgomery
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?"
* Marilyn Pittman
"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her
hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm
hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk
about me just a little bit?"
* Garry Shandling
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
* Paul Rodriguez
"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up
really fast."
* Johnathan Katz
"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family
knew someone in the Royal family?"
* Robin Williams
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept
God's final word on where your lips end."
* Jerry Seinfeld
Subject: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Moses: And God came down from the heavens, and he said unto the Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road,and there was much rejoicing.
Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did *not* cross the road.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this *chicken* doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but it will lay eggs, file your important documents AND balance your checkbook. Unfortunately, when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.
Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" But is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Buddha: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: The chicken did not cross the road -- it transcended it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Colonel Harlan Sanders: I missed one?
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble- shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washin them individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous Email virus yet. It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play. It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.
Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. These are just a few signs.
Be afraid very, VERY AFRAID.
This married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman... almost." The priest says, "what do you mean almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!"
A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Umm, well, you know...in a vice. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed,"Stop! Stop! You're not going to...to...cut it off, are you???!?" The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
100 reasons it's great to be a guy:
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Nite Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone
crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates
you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be you friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
37. If your 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanic tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking (He
must be mad at me)
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near you pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just to skeevy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries,
at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when your talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell you friends you've
changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase Fuck it!"
88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong
buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because your not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across
the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything
different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere.
ACTUAL "DEAR ABBY" EXCERPTS
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
DEAR ABBY: I've been married for six years and have five kids. No twins. My husband still wants to have sex every night and sometimes in the morning too. I told him he should get himself a hobby, and he says that is his hobby.
DEAR ABBY: I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
DEAR ABBY: I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
DEAR ABBY: I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
DEAR ABBY: Will you please rush me the name of a reliable illegitimate doctor?
DEAR ABBY: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
DEAR ABBY: I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
DEAR ABBY: My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
DEAR ABBY: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
DEAR ABBY: Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.
DEAR ABBY: My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.
DEAR ABBY: I met this nice guy who was in the service. He's the chief petting officer.
DEAR ABBY: I've been going steady with this man for six years. We see each other every
night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never mentions marriage. Do you
think he's going out with me just for what he can get? -GERTIE-
DEAR GERTIE: I don't know. What's he getting?
DEAR ABBY: My husband hates to spend money! I cut my own hair and make my own clothes,
and I have to account for every nickel I spend. Meanwhile he has a stock of savings bonds
put away that would choke a cow. How do I get some money out of him before we are both
called to our final judgment? He says he's saving for a rainy day. -FORTY YEARS HITCHED-
DEAR HITCHED: Tell him it's raining!
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give
him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like? -CAROL-
DEAR CAROL: Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.
DEAR ABBY: Are birth control pills deductible? -KAY-
DEAR KAY: Only if they don't work.
DEAR ABBY: Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound
baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early?
-WONDERING-
DEAR WONDERING: The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.
DEAR ABBY: Do you think about dying much? -CURIOUS-
DEAR CURIOUS: No, it's the last thing I want to do.
DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time?
-JAKE-
DEAR JAKE: Yes, and also hazardous.
DEAR ABBY: I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and he's still
chasing women. Any suggestions? -ANNIE-
DEAR ANNIE: Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught
one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.
DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to
spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? -SAM IN CAL.-
DEAR SAM: Yes. Run for public office.
DEAR ABBY: What inspires you most to write? -TED-
DEAR TED: The Internal Revenue Service.
DEAR ABBY: When you are being introduced, is it all right to say, "I've heard a
lot about you"? -RITA-
DEAR RITA: It depends on what you've heard.
DEAR ABBY: I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad
habits. -ROSE-
DEAR ROSE: So would I.
DEAR ABBY: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? -BESS-
DEAR BESS: Night and Day.
DEAR ABBY: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Budweisium (Ps): Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from urine.
Cabmium (Cb): Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.
Congress (Cg): Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.
Limbaughium (Lb) The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons.
A white lady on business arrived in LA in the heat of the rioting. She was very nervous and distressed about her safety and the danger she felt lurked around every corner. After checking in at the front desk she headed to the elevator. Upon arriving at the elevator there were already 3 black men on it. She quickly debated with herself about the situation. "This is ridiculous, I have nothing to fear from these men, here in the middle of a reputable hotel. Ok, no problem, I'm going to ride this elevator, etc...." She then stepped into the elevator and quickly turned her back on the 3 men and faced the door.
Shortly after the door closed, she heard one of the men say, "Hit the floor, lady." She immediately dropped to her stomach in terror. Upon her quick dive for the floor the 3 men broke out hysterically in laughter. The man after all, had simply meant for her to select the floor she wished to go to. She was terribly shaken and embarrassed about the whole thing, but tried to shake it off as she had several days of business to attend to. At the end of her stay she went to check out of the hotel and pay for her room. To her confusion the clerk informed her that her room had been taken care of. He then handed her a note and explained that it had been left by the person who had picked up the tab for the room. And the note said : Thanks for the best laugh I've ever had in an elevator! Eddie Murphy
THE BOSS ASKED FOR A LETTER DESCRIBING BOB SMITH:
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Sd/- Project Leader
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5, ...) for my true assessment of him. Regards
An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?" "Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week." Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I haven't stoped farting, but now they smell terrible! What's going on?" "Calm down, Mrs.Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."
Twas the night of Nekkid Frustration
Twas a quiet night,
And all through the house,
No one was home,
Not even the spouse.
I was real horny,
With no one here who would care,
So I dialed AOL,
To see if My friends were there.
I looked at my buddy list,
To see who was online,
While visions of cyber-sex,
Danced through my mind.
When all of a sudden,
Who on my list should appear,
Just the best little cyber-babe,
I'd ever had here.
I im'd her with "hey darlin",
Kisses, hugs, and hello,
When I suggested a private room,
She said 'lets go".
I made up a name,
We both clicked, and were in,
Anticipating the fun that,
Was about to begin.
We {S kissed and {S hugged,
Then our clothes we did shuck,
It was just then,
I ran out of luck.
Naked and hot,
To the imaginary bed we scooted,
When the next thing I knew,
I had been booted.
I ranted and raved,
And cursed AOL,
For taking my money and,
Putting me through hell.
I signed on again,
And imaptiently waited,
Hoping and praying,
Her lust hadn't abated.
I was finally online and,
To the room I did dash,
To my little cyber-girl,
And heaven at last.
We got past the foreplay,
Were cyber-fuckin and then,
To my utter frustration,
I was booted again.
I cursed AOL,
As I got back online,
For what I swore would be,
The very last time.
We got down to business,
And as the end neared,
It happened again,
That thing that I feared.
Now the first was bad timing,
The second rough,
But the third time booted,
I'd had enough.
A letter I wrote,
Addressed to Steve Case,
Telling him what I would do,
If we ever came face to face.
I wrote in great detail,
Just how he would pay,
For my getting booted,
Three times getting layed.
You may think this funny,
A ass-slappin hoot,
But the next time you cyber,
WATCH OUT FOR THE BOOT
**An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
**A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
**A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (wow!!!)
**It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up it's
stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of it's mouth. Then the frog uses it's
forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down
again.
**White Out was invented by the mother of Mike Nesmith (Formerly of the Monkees).
**In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
**Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty
percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It
supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and
correct itself.
**Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will
digest itself.
**101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both
parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie.
**'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
**A whale's penis is called a dork.
**To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs- it will
let you go instantly.
**Reindeer like to eat bananas.
**If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the
person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a
result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the
person died of natural causes.
**No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.
**Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and
Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added
until 5 years later.
**"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
**The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
**The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."
**Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
**The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only
elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
**In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said "Play it again, Sam."
**Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson."
**More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.
**A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
**The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
**Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's
kissing the conveyor belt.
**Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
The following exam was administered as an Ebonics version of the SAT
1) You just robbed som jack mo fo with $20 in his wallet. You can buy:
A. A dime and two 40's
B. A new pair of Fila's
C. Dashikki down the block
D. Yo mama
2) It's tha end of da monf again and da man is on your jack for da rent. You:
A. Bust a cap in his ass
B. Say, "Shit man, why you all up in ma bidness?"
C. Have anuther kid on welfare
D. Yo mama
3) You and ya holmes are banging down da block when yall scam da uther mo fo's commin your way. If ya both jaking your hydros, and both yall draw yur gats, which of da following happens:
A. Shit goes down in da hood
B. Ya check yur colours and let the cop-killers fly
C. Shit man, I do'no maff
D. Yo mama
4) You drink haff a 40. How much is left:
A. Haff
B. Da uther haff
C. Zum mo
D. Bout enuff to jak yo mama
5) You, beein da shit you are, dress yo self in da morn in which of deese:
A. Yo Tek 9 with da Raiders hat
B. Da AK47 with yo Fila's
C. You blade and ya colurs
D. "Shit man, what's a nigga like me doin up at dis time in da morn?"
6) Tiz yo 21st birfday. You:
A. Hook up with Dashikki down the block and treat her to MceeDee
B. Treat yo self to crack, ice cream, and 40's
C. Gaffle da man
D. I do'no maff
7) Wher iz da mutherland at:
A. Afrika
B. Compton
C. Souff Centra
D. Yo mama
8) What am da capita of California?
A. Da Hood
B. Compton
C. Compton
D. Compton
ANALAMA-G'S
9) Tek 9 : Gatt ::
A. Yo mama : Dashikki
B. Fila's : Nike
C. Tu pac : Barry White
D. St. Ive's : Colt 45
10) Malt Liquor : Da Chronic ::
A. Da Man : Da Systum
B. ReeRun : MC Hammer
C. Fat Albert : Shaft
D. Yo mama : Dashikki
NO. LOOKIE HERE FOO. I GOTS TO AXE YOU AN EXXAY QUEXTIUN:
IN 25 WURDS MO O LESS, TELL UZ ME WHO AM DA MAN?
So dat we may give uh you yo cowrecked sco, sine yo tag below
X---------------------------------------------->>
The Top Entries in Bill Gates's Diary
1> Invited entire tech-support department to play golf. Brought Melissa to complete the
foursome.
2> Steve Jobs started work today. The silverware looks great, but he doesn't do windows
-- yet.
3> Bought my first Macintosh. It's sooooo cute!
4> Memo to self: Next time, when my wife says we need to buy china, she means dishes.
5> Ran into Demi and Bruce. Upped my offer to a billion dollars.
6> Seventh day: rested.
Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5. Some doubt He even wrote it Himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, He deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled His first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
INSIDER'S GUIDE TO THE MALE VOCABULARY
"I'm a Romantic." ( "I'm poor." )
"I want a commitment." ( "I'm sick of masturbation." )
"I'll give you a call." ( "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.")
"You're the only girl I've ever cared about" ( "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me." )
"I really want to get to know you better." ( "So I can tell my friends about it." )
"Haven't I seen you before?" ( "Nice tits." )
"She's kinda cute." ( "I want to have sex with her till I am blue." )
"I don't know if I like her" ( "She won't sleep with me." )
"I miss you so much" ( "I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good." )
"Was it good for you?" ( "I'm insecure about my manhood." )
"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?" ( "Is my penis really that small?" )
"I had a wonderful time last night." ( "Who the hell are you?" )
"Do you love me?" ( "I've done something stupid and you might find out." )
"Do you 'really' love me?" ("I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later.")
"How much do you love me?" ("I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you now.")
"I have something to tell you." ( "Get tested." )
"I've been thinking a lot." ( "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk." )
"I've learned a lot from you." ( "Next!!!!" )
The following are excerpts from various American Medical Journals, most of which are pretty sick, but they are all TRUE...You have been warned!
INNER SKELETON
A 63 year old widow was admitted to a hospital in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.
FEMALE SOFA
A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.
OUCH!
A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his towel around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.
BABY CHICKEN
A 50-year old woman was brought into a New York emergency room complaining of abdominal pains. During an examination, doctors found that the woman's labia were pinned together with old safety pins. Further inside, they found the dismembered body of a chicken. The woman explained that she inserted the chicken pieces, convinced that they would grow into a baby.
SEX EDUCATION
A California doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains asked her if she was sexually active. She said that she wasn't. A later examination showed that she was pregnant. Asked why she said that she was not sexually active, the woman replied "I'm not, I just lie there." When asked if she knew who the father was, with a puzzled look she replied "No. Who?"
BLIND DRUNK
A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered that the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.
GROWING SEASON
An old woman in a North Carolina ER complained of green vines growing from her vagina. Investigation revealed a large potato trapped in her womb. The woman then suddenly remembered that she had inserted it two weeks previously, because she thought that her uterus was falling out.
PRICKLY PAIR
In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had a "rat in her pussy" and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, if was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
LAST STAND
A Cambridge man hobbled into casualty complaining of a permanent erection. He admitted to doctors that while on holiday in Cuba, he frequented many brothels, and in one he was given some erectile cream to keep him hard. He was told to use it sparingly. However, since he was having so much fun, he kept using more and more. By the time he came to casualty, all the blood vessels in his penis were swollen and his testicles had ballooned in size. Doctors could do nothing except prescribe painkillers, and told him that it would return to flaccidity in a few days. They also told him to enjoy his erection while it lasted, because it was going to be his last.
JUICY LUCY
In Kentucky, a woman complained of a purple discharge from her vagina. She thought it might have something to do with the diaphragm that her doctor had recently given her. "I followed all the instructions to the letter," she told her doctor, "and used it with the jelly." When asked which kind of jelly she had used, she replied "Grape."
BRUSH AFTER MEALS
A very unhygienic patient was being treated by two nurses for a burst vein in his stomach. While changing the dressing, one of the nurses screamed. They saw maggots crawling down the man's chest. They had been breeding between his teeth, and smelling the open wound, decided to feed further down his body.
PET SHOP BOYS
In Salt Lake City, two men came into the ER. One had "partial thickness burns to the natal cleft". The other had a singed moustache and a broken nose. Investigating doctors found a live gerbil in the first man's colon. The pair explained that they tried to free it using a cardboard cylinder. Unable to see, the second man lit a match to get a better view, which resulted in substantial methane combustion.
CALL THE BUM SQUAD!
A World War II veteran came into a London clinic with a hemorrhoid problem. One painful pile would often hang down from the man's anus and he was in the habit of pushing it back up with an artillery shell. On this occasion, the shell got stuck. Doctors were going to remove it but the man told them the shell was still live. So the hospital called in the army bomb disposal squad, who built a lead box around the man's anus to defuse the shell before it could be removed.
KLINGONS AROUND URANUS
A 20-year old man came to casualty with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anaesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed -- along with a stray Ping-Pong ball.